Writing

Here you can view all the articles I have written, all in one place. These are also linked from the main page. This also happens to be the archive page for January 2000, but these weren't actually written at that time; I just needed a place to put this.

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On Cartoons

Ok picture this: you're sitting in a crowded movie theatre watching Disney's "The Little Mermaid" for the first time. It's a pretty good movie, so you're starting to get into it. You sit back, eating popcorn and drinking pop that you smuggled in from the variety store next door (because pop is WAY too expensive in movie theatres), and you're letting your mind think the random thoughts it normally thinks while watching a movie. "It would be kinda cool to live underwater", you think. "Wow, this movie is sure animated well", you notice. And then a thought comes out of nowhere: "Hmmm, I wonder what's under those seashells that Ariel's wearing?"

At first you're embarassed that you'd even consider thinking such dirty thoughts about a cartoon character. But then you look closely at Ariel, in all her big screen glory, and realize that she really is pretty damn hot. Especially after she loses that fish tail.

Perhaps this hasn't happened to you (especially if you're female), but statistics show that over 73% of all heterosexual males have found a cartoon character attractive at least once in their lives. Like most statistics, I just made those ones up, but I'm sure it's pretty close to the truth. Think about it: cartoons are physically perfect. They have perfect skin, big, bright eyes, and curvy bodies. The animators at Disney make them this way on purpose. You wanna know why? Here's a statistic so obvious I didn't even have to make it up: 95% of the people at Disney are horny bastards.

If you need proof of this, simply go down to your local video store and look at the box of The Little Mermaid. See those towers in the background? Isn't their shape a little...odd? Ok, now actually rent the movie, and fast forward to the part where Ariel and some guy are getting married or something. Keep an eye on the little priest guy, especially his crotchal area. You can't blame him really...I mean, if I saw Ariel in real life, I think my pants would be feeling a little tighter too.

I once saw a TV show about the making of Beauty and the Beast. The people at Disney spent a lot of time researching exactly what the beast should look like. They went through pictures of various animals and monsters from past works of fiction, and eventually decided he should look kinda like a baboon. So why shouldn't they do the same thing for the women in their movies? They could look through pictures of actresses and porn stars, find the best parts from all of them, and put them all together in one bundle of cartoon perfection.

"Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon 'cuz that cartoon has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing"
--Barenaked Ladies

The people at Disney aren't the only ones guilty of teasing us with images of attractive people that aren't even real. Look at Sailor Moon. I hear that in the original Japanese version of the show, they actually got naked once in a while. The existence of this "anime" or "japanimation" (those movies you see in video stores that say THESE CARTOONS ARE DEFINITELY NOT FOR KIDS, YOU MUST BE 18 TO RENT THEM written on them) alone proves that I'm not the only one who's looking at cartoons as more than cute happy fuzzy animals.

Speaking of animals...perhaps I'm going too far here, but I think the love interest in Disney's version of Robin Hood was a real fox. (Sorry, that was a horrible joke).

Ok by now you're probably thinking that this Phronk character is as much of a horny bastard as the people at Disney. Well, maybe I am, but I admit it so it's ok. And you should too. So the next time you're watching a Disney movie and the main female character comes on, stop trying to tell yourself that she's just a cartoon character, that's she's not kinda cute. Disney has done years of research to make you think otherwise, and you would never want to let Disney down, would you?

P.S. Mulan doesn't count. The fact that she could pass as a man by cutting her hair says enough.

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Shirley's Adventures in Science

This is an assignment I handed in for a Classical Studies course. We had to write a story, then analyze some of the words for their Greek / Latin origin. I present it here for your educational benefit.

Classical Studies 100b: Assignment #1

Mike *****

January 22^nd, 2002

Shirley's Adventures in Science

Chapter 1

Once there was a boy named Shirley. One day, he was walking down the street when he saw Nicole and her boyfriend Tom sitting on a dumpster. Shirley had a huge crush on Nicole, and this drove Tom insane with jealousy. As soon as Tom saw Shirley, he went into a bovine rage. Tom's fists flew repeatedly into Shirley's head. Shirley, a frangible boy, broke into two pieces.

"Stop this fatuous commotion!" screamed Nicole. Tom stopped his assault. Shirley, thoroughly embarrassed, pulled himself together and crawled to the hospital.

Chapter 2

Ten years later, Shirley was a successful scientist. His specialty was the genetic makeup of monkeys. One day, he drifted to sleep while working late into the night on the mundane task of counting monkey DNA. He dreamed of Nicole, for the first time in years. Seeing her there, in intangible dream form, made him long for the real Nicole. When he woke up, he vowed to find Nicole and make her his wife. "Surely she must have broken up with Tom by now," he thought, then laughed at the reference to his own name.

Shirley came up with a plan. In the stinky darkness of his lab, he created a new species of monkey. This was no generic monkey, this monkey was 20 feet tall and could shoot peanut butter out of its eyes! Shirley made a brilliant deduction: he could ride his monkey to Nicole's home, then ask her to marry him. She would be so impressed by his arcane knowledge of monkey DNA that she would want to do vulgar things to him.

Shirley rode his giant monkey out into the night. He found Nicole's house, and ordered the monkey to crash through her bedroom wall. The monkey did so, and Shirley was faced with a grave sight. Tom was there, in bed with Nicole. Shirley began to cry, as Tom pulled a shotgun out from under the bed. The monkey, sensing the pertinent danger they were in, shot two gobs of peanut butter from its eyes. The gobs hit Tom, and he collapsed in a brown gooey mess. Nicole got out of bed, rubbed her eyes, and looked at Tom.

"Mmm, peanut butter, my favourite!" she cried, and ate a handful of the wonderful stuff. She smiled perversely. "Shirley? Are you responsible for this?"

"Yes ma'am." replied Shirley.

"Any man who can create a peanut butter monkey is the man for me! Let's go get married now!" squealed Nicole. She joined Shirley on the monkey's back. They rode off into the sunrise together and lived happily ever after.

The End

Analysis of Bolded Words

"insane"

sanus (adj.) "sound, healthy" (san-)

+ in-: prefix, used with adjectives, meaning "not"

Literal meaning: "Not healthy."

Modern meaning: "Not mentally healthy. Crazy."

"bovine"

< bos (n.) "cow" (bov-)

+ -inus: suffix indicating possession or having features of

Literal meaning: "Having features of a cow."

Modern meaning: "Like a cow. (Note: in my experience, cows can be pretty violent. So "bovine" is a legitimate characteristic of rage)"

"frangible"

< frangere (v.) "to break" (frang-)

+ -ibilis: suffix forming an adjective, meaning "capable of being"

Literal meaning: "Capable of being broken."

Modern meaning: "Breakable, or fragile."

"fatuous"

< fatuus (adj.) "foolish" (fatu-)

Literal meaning: "Foolish."

Modern meaning: "Stupid, silly, foolish."

"commotion"

< motus (v.) "move" (mot-)

+ com- : prefix meaning "together"

+ -io, -ionis: suffix forming a noun, meaning "state, quality or action"

Literal meaning: "A state of moving together."

Modern meaning: "A condition where there is a lot of motion. A disturbance."

"mundane"

< mundus (n.) "world" (mund-)

+ -anus: suffix forming an adjective

Literal meaning: "Having characteristics of the world."

Modern meaning: "Boring or ordinary…i.e. of this world, not heavenly."

"intangible"

< tangere (v.) "touch" (tang-)

+ -ibilis: suffix forming and adjective, meaning "capable of being"

+ in- : prefix meaning "not"

Literal meaning: "Not capable of being touched."

Modern meaning: "Incapable of being perceived by the normal senses. Immaterial."

"species"

< species (n.) "appearance" (speci-)

Literal meaning: "The appearance of something."

Modern meaning: "A classification of animals. Animals within a species have a similar appearance and are capable of interbreeding."

"generic"

< generis (n.) "race, kind, origin" (gener-)

+ -ic: adjective-forming suffix.

Literal meaning: "Characteristic of a certain race."

Modern meaning: "Relating to an entire group. Not out of the ordinary in the group."

"deduction"

< ductus (v.) "lead" (duct-)

+ de- : prefix meaning "down"

+ -io, -ionis: suffix forming a noun, meaning "state, quality, action"

Literal meaning: "The act of leading down."

Modern meaning: "Drawing a conclusion through reasoning. I.e. being lead down a path of clues and coming to a conclusion (?)."

"arcane"

< arcanus (adj.) "secret" (arcan-)

Literal meaning: "Secret."

Modern meaning: "Mysterious, or only known by a few people. Rare."

"vulgar"

< vulgus (n.) "the crowd, ordinary people" (vulg-)

+ -aris: suffix forming an adjective

Literal meaning: "Characterized by the ordinary people."

Modern meaning: "Something lacking in refinement, or offensive."

"grave"

< gravis (adj.) "heavy" (grav-)

Literal meaning: "Heavy."

Modern meaning: "Somber, dark, or serious. Not 'light.'"

"pertinent"

< tenere (v.) "hold" (ten-)

+ per- : prefix meaning "thoroughly, very"

+ -entis : adjective forming suffix.

+ vowel weakening ('e' becomes 'i')

Literal meaning: "In a state of being thoroughly held."

Modern meaning: "Very relevant to the current situation. Should be held in attention."

"perversely"

< versus (v.) "turn" (vers-)

+ per- : prefix meaning "thoroughly, very"

+ -ly: suffix forming an adverb

Literal meaning: "Doing something in a way which involves thorough turning."

Modern meaning: "Doing something in a way that is opposed to what is right and good."

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Quotes Page

Some Good Quotes: Wisdom from geniuses other than me

Organized in semi-logical order.

"The heart has its reasons which reason does not know"
-- Pascal, Pensees, 1670

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it."
-- Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"Dreaming is the singing of the mind."
--Sean Lennon

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people."
-- André Dubus, Broken Vessels, 1991

"I am a deeply superficial person."
-- Andy Warhol

"They always talk who never think."
- Matthew Prior

"An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it."
--Laurence J. Peter

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."
--Laurence J. Peter

"Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively."
--Laurence J. Peter

"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
-- Henry Miller

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."
- Oscar Levant

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woody Allen

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it
ceases to be serious when people laugh."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Don't be content to be the chip off the old block - be the old block itself."
- Winston Churchill

"Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to
accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference."
--Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)

"True enlightenment lies on the verge of insanity"
-Aristotle

"The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane."
- Nikola Tesla

"Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the
same figures to draw different conclusions."
- Evan Esar

"It's not pre-marital sex if you're not getting married."

"The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he
has no genitals."

"Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important."
-- T.S. Eliot

"If Atheism is a religion, then health is a disease!"
--Clark Adams

The scientist yearns to find and eventually know the truth;
The religious man wants the truth to fit his preconceived mold. So, as a result...
The scientist alters his perception to conform to the facts;
The religious man tries to change the facts to conform to his beliefs.
--(no source)

"Unanswered questions are far less dangerous than unquestioned answers."
-- The Roadside Pulpit

"Midgets have little in common."

"If you meet your master today, kill him. Be your own master."
-- Marilyn Manson

"Without being self aggrandizing. I've seen the little tidal waves that
I've caused in the music industry, and how people are becoming more
evolved in their images. And there are a lot of new Marilyn
Mansonesque people, but I don't get mad at those things.
It's like there's one real Santa Claus, but there's a
lot of fake ones at the mall."
-- Marilyn Manson

"The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."
-- (Unknown)

"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
--Laurence J. Peter

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former."
--Albert Einstein

"The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it
needs to be."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you
wake up, and doesn't stop until you get to school."

"Life is like a shit sandwich; the more bread you have, the less shit you
have to eat."

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that
is struck with the difference between what things are and what they
ought to be."
--William Hazlitt

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
-- Frank Sinatra

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"All censorships exist to prevent any one from challenging current conceptions and existing institutions. All progress is initiated by challenging current conceptions, and executed by supplanting existing institutions. Consequently the first condition of progress is
the removal of censorships."
--George Bernard Shaw

"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."
Laurence J. Peter

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
-- Paula Poundstone

"History is a set of lies agreed upon."
--Napoleon Bonaparte

"I am Time: And I have destroyed countless beings, even the gods who
preside over this universe. I am the consumer and you are our food...This
relationship is not based on mutual likes or dislikes."
-- Yoga Vasishta

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
-- George Bernard Shaw

"For many, faith is a suitable substitute for knowledge,
as death is for a difficult life."

"To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous
as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin."
--Cardinal Bellarmine, 1615, during the trial of Galileo

"Man is quite insane. He wouldn't know how to create a maggot
and he creates Gods by the dozen."

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god
than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible
gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
--Stephen Roberts

"Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them."
--Laurence J. Peter

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