September Part 2
September 13 2001
The events of Tuesday are still all over the news, I have cried so much I cannot cry no more. Such a tragedy that did not need to happen. These people accomplished nothing, but brining a country and its friends closer together, and stronger than ever. I really never thought something like this would happen not here; it happens other places but not here. I think this was a reality for some us, which made us realize that no one is invincible.
Too all the Victims and their families to all the Americans my heart is with you.
I have been trying hard to make up for lost time in my dieting, I drank tons of water today, and tried to eat well. I even walked my 1.5-hour walk this evening with some ladies I know, which was kind of nice. My
challenge is going well it has been worth it, to keep each other motivated. Since September 1 we have lost a total of 22 lbs., and that is without every member weighing in.September 14, 2001
Well I have not done that great. But looking over what I ate, I didn't do that badly. Although I did make some bad choices, when I looked through my journal I found I didn't eat as much junk as I thought. I felt really good after my walk last night (1.5 hours) and am feeling pretty good today as well.
I guess staying motivated is the issue for me. I lose some and feel great then gain that back plus some. So far this time around has been all right (mind you it has only been 14 days LOL) But I feel like I can do it. Yes I had a little set back this week, but... I know I can over come this. It is a daily challenge; to say NO when you should, and yes to fruit salad, when you really want that banana split.
Although each day is a struggle I know I am getting stronger, and that first 20 lbs., and the last 10 lbs. are supposed to be the hardest to lose, so if I can make it there (20 lbs. for Christmas!) I know I can make it the whole way. It will never be easy, and even after I get to goal, I will be struggling for the rest of my life. But I would not change the struggle for a million dollars (well... maybe!) It has made me what I am today.
All of the challenges I face, the struggles I fight, and the mountains I climb, make me the person I am, and I am thankful for that. A while ago I would have said I got the raw deal, life sucks and I was just made to be fat. But I can see the light now. Not that I have lost weight as of yet. It is really hard to explain, it was a big emotional change for me on the inside, not on the outside, and that in my life, has made a huge difference!
Have a wonderful evening everyone, and I thank you for listening to my daily thoughts (or prattle as my grandma would say) and supporting and encouraging me when needed (or for a good kick in the butt \ ( | ) right Linda!
Good - Night my Cyber Friends and Family, and God bless you all!
Pat
September 15 2001
I was surprised when I weighed in this morning and lost 2 lbs, you can view my losses and gains on my
progress page. That made me feel really good. I think journalling my food each night in my food diary has helped me stay on top of my eating, Although I made some bad choices I made up for it, by not eating to much, and continuing with my water and never giving up hope. I am feeling wonderful today and know that I can continue my success on through the next week. I feel confident as well. I am now 5 lbs into my 20 lbs for Christmas challenge, I am sure I can do it. I think I can even lose more. My complete goal of weighing 150 lbs, is August 2nd, and seems to be with in my reach now. I know there are going to be those plateaus (sp) and the gain parts, but I am sure I can do it. I have confidence in myself for once. That is an amazing feeling, thinking of yourself completing your goal instead of failing.September 16 2001
I had a good day today, went to my parents and worked in the yard for a bit, then had roast beef dinner. YUMMY. I ate pretty well. I also worked really hard on getting all my water in. I am feeling really confident after losing the weight last week.
Sometimes it is still hard. It takes a long time to get the word FAILURE out of your head, or FAT OR UGLY OR PIG. Although now I know I am none of those things, it took a long time for me to see that in myself. Years of pretending the words did not hurt had done a lot of damage to my self-esteem, and my confidence.
Who knew, we could be so easily crushed and then it be so hard to get back. It was really hard to do as well, you really have to open yourself up and find out where it is all coming from, it was a hard place to go back to, but I did. For me I think it was a great decision, dieting had never really worked for the long term for me before, and I think dealing with these issues first this time is helping me.
I did a lot of writing, thoughts, and poetry, and journals etc. It opened up a whole New World for me. I had stopped writing a few years ago, it was getting really hard, and emotional writing all these pains and angers out. But now I am thankful that I have a gift to write, because it is like an escape for me a "safe" place that we all need, and seldom have.
September 17 2001
I walked today for about an hour; it felt good, then came home and re - organized my son's room. (More like cleaned it LOL) But it was fun, and it looks a lot better now. I had an apple for breakfast, a roast beef sandwich for lunch, and mushroom chicken, potatoes and corn for dinner oh ya and a bun. Snack, Crispy Mini's 2 chocolate Chip Cookies.
Today was a fairly easy day; the chips and pop etc. were not calling my name and begging me to have just one little bite. There are other days though, that I can hardly make it through, were I come home and throw myself on my bed. When the headaches, are fearce and the shame even more so. When my life seems to be crumbling in front of my eye's and the pain is unending. When the tears are always right on the surface, and I think everyone can hear what I am thinking. Those are hard days to get through, hard days to live through. But I do, and with each one of them that I beat. I grow stronger and more secure in my decisions and myself. These hard days, and easy days, and all the in between days, have made me what I am today, what I am every day. Just a person, a human with feelings, and ideas, with hopes and dreams, and so many realities.
Every one of us on line journalers, has a different reason for doing it, and has a different thought, and Idea about how they became the way they were. We are a diverse group, and unique I think. We offer our visitors a glimpse of the real us, you have a window seat to our lives, to our deepest thoughts, You see us on our best day, and you see us on our worst day. To open ourselves up the Thousands of strangers that could stop by, takes so much courage. So I thank all my fellow journallers out there for sharing their lives with us.
A diet journal is not an easy one to write you never know what people really want to hear. Do you want to hear that I cried because I had a chocolate cookie, and thought the world was ending? Do you want to hear my dreams of becoming a published writer, or hear about my family life? Do you want to know the emotion, and sometimes pain; it takes to write these entries. I never know. So with my journal, I open myself to all of you, and share me. Just plain me, my thoughts, joy and happiness, my emotions, all the bad days, all the fun days, and just me.
My challenge to myself, my e-group and my visitors is 20 lb. for Christmas. I know it can be done. I know I will achieve my first goal. I am nothing more than what I write nothing less for that matter. I am just me.
September 18 2001
Perhaps this will be my hardest journal entry to date. I am not sure what when wrong today. My emotions are haywire. I am upset and easily provoked or angered. Everything is making me explode today. I am an emotional mess. It is not my time of the month yet. As far as I know we are not pregnant TTC 18 months, and I only had AF on the 5th so it is highly unlikely. I have been eating well uncontrollably nothing too bad (okay I had 4 chocolate chip cookies and a bag of chips!) Everything else was good though. I think this is all so much more confusing because there is really nothing wrong. I am happy with family and myself. My job is awesome, and I love it. I do not hate anything or myself like that. It is so hard when you cannot pin point what is happening in your life, to cause this emotional upheaval.
I suppose it could be a delayed reaction to the events of last week, but I don't think so. I am just not sure what is going on. I am happy with the way my diet is going this time around too. So I am not upset about that. I literally feel out of control with my emotions. I am not depressed or anything, just I don't even know how to explain it. Everything is annoying me today I mean everything. Sorry this is way way off topic for dieting, but if this continues I know it will affect the final out come of this week. I hope after a long soak in the tub, and a good sleep I will feel much more myself in the morning.
Pat (With a bad case of the grumpies!)
Sept 19 2001
I feel a little better today not 100% yet, but better. Just wish I knew what was up you know. It is the not being able to pinpoint any one thing that makes me aggravated. I walked today, and ate well to so I was pretty happy with that. But generally in a down mood again today. Frustrating to no end as well. I am hoping I see another loss this week. I am really not counting on it, but hoping. I know I didn't lose inches because other than walking I didn't do anything no crunches or anything like that. So that blows that out of the water.
September 20 2001
Hi Again, I am still not 100% but am feeling much better emotion wise then yesterday I walked today, and felt refreshed. That was while I was at work. Nothing this evening though. I am starting to get a touch of a cold, so I had a bath, then snuggles with Curtis and read tons of stories, before he went to sleep, then I just laid on the couch and watched some TV and read my book. (Cheap Sleazy Romance Novel LOL) I like reading them once in a while. I am a real True Crime fan though. My fave authors are Anne Rule, and Max Hines. So the romance ones are nice easy reading for me with a happy ending. Curtis is having a friend from school and his cousin sleeping over tomorrow night, then Saturday he is off to his friend's house for the night. So tomorrow should be pretty hectic, to say the least, but…. Fun as well. It is my day off tomorrow, So while Curtis is at school I am planning on going for a nice long walk, and having a soak in the tub.