1. Frog Story;
A man takes the day off work and decides to go
out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a
frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when
he hears, Ribbit.
9 Iron. The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Ribbit.
9
He looks at the frog
puts his other club away, and grabs a 9
Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog reply's Ribbit. Lucky frog. The man decides to
take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think
frog? the
man asks. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.
The man asks the frog, where to next? The frog replies, Ribbit,
Las Vegas. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what?
The frog says,
roulette table, the man asks, What do you think I should
bet? The frog replies,
Ribbit. $3000,black 6. Now, this is a
but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The
man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel He sits the
frog
down and says, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this
money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit Kiss Me.
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old
girl. And that, your
2.The Widower Playing Golf;
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of
the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession
on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap,
closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, Wow, that is the
most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind
man. The man then replies, Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
3. Another Common Golf joke;
Why do golfers bringa extra of pants with them, when they golf?
Answer: In case they get a hole in one.
4. Bagel Joke;
Why did the seagole fly over the sea? (Answer: Because if he flew over the bay he'd be a baygole).
5. A Doctor and His Patient;
There once was a doctor who had a patient.
So one day he decided to call him, and when the patient answer he said
"I have some bad
news and some even worse news for you" Which would you like to hear first? then the patient thought for a while and he
finally said "I guess the bad news first" The Doctor said
"well the bad news is that you only have one day to live." Then the patient
asked Him "what's the worse news?" so the Doctor told Him the worse news is that I forgot to call
you yesterday.
An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6
trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan
is suitably impressed, and buys it.The next day he brings it back and says,
This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut
down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes
the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, What's that noise?
7. German Pastor Joke;
What do you call a German paster? (Answer; A German sherpard)
8. One Word For Heaven;
Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him
God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under
one condition The man says What's that? St. Peter says
You must spell the word 'Love'.So he does and he is let in to
heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch
the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to
spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks
her what she is doing there? She says that on the
way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says
alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.
She asks What's that? He says Spell Czechoslovakia.
9. Florist's Mistake;
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became
dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed Deepest
Sympathy. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the
florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. Oh, it's
alright. said the storekeeper. I'm a businessman and I understand
how these things can happen. But, added the florist, I
accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. Well, what did it
say? asked the storekeeper. 'Congratulations on your new
location'. was the reply.
10. Young Business Man On The Phone;
A
young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office
and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the
outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and
started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and
made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, Can I
help you? The man said, Sure. I've come to install the phone!
11. Jesus Is Watching You;
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the
lawn when he hears a voice Jesus is watching you!
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn
again. Jesus is watching you! He hears it again.
So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by
the side of the house. He says to the parrot, Did you say that?
The parrot answers
Yes I did. What's your name? The parrot says
Clarence. The burglar says What kind of stupid idiot would
name his parrot Clarence? The parrot laughs and says, The same
stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'.
12. Is The Dog Dead;
A woman took her dog to the vet
Doctor, she said, I think my
dog is dead. The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and
took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't
move.
Yes, your dog is dead, says the doctor.
How much do I owe you? the lady asks.
$345, says the doctor.
$345!!? the lady asks.
Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan.
13. The millionare with alligators;
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the
pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announces, My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will
give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool
full of alligators and emerge unharmed!
As soon as he
finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one
guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept
stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was
impressed. My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must
keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million
dollars? The guy says, Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want
the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
14. At Your Funeral;
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They
are all asked, When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy
says,I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time,
and a great family man. The second guy says, I would like to hear
that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference
in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, I would like to
hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
15. Racing Snail;
There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'
The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!
As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!' !
16. Symphony Trouble ;
The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven´s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
17. Red and Furry;
What's red and furry and tackles people? (Answer: Tackle Me Elmo! )
18. The Four men and their Dogs;
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!
19. The Kindergarten Teacher;
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
20. The Ant Joke;
Why don't ants like crowds? (Answer: Because they are anti social.)
21. The Colors of The Telephone
What are the colors of the telephone? (Answer; G-r-e-en, Y-e-l-l-o-w, and Pink)
22. "Hole in one"
Why does a golfer wear 2 pairs of trousers? (Answer: Incase he gets a hole in one !!!!!!)23. The Church Painter Joke;
Their once was a painter that would often thin his paint to make it go further.
So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance the painter was able to
Put in the low bid, and got the job done.
As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffold – the job was almost finished – when he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked the painter off his Scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
(Answer: Arkansaw)
24. Noah and the Ark Joke;
When Noah first looked out the Ark what was the very first peice of land called that he saw?
25. "The Christian Horse"
Aoung the 1800's people used horses all the time to go around the place. A priest wanted to sell his horse. Then a young man bought it. The priest said,"To make the horse go forward you have to say hallelujah and to make him stop you must say amen.When the young man got on the horse he said hallelujah. when he went home he said amen. The next day he was haveing a small ride in the desert to get him going. when he was going towards a cliff he said STOP! but the horse didn't stop. He started getting closer and closer to the so he thought he was going to die. take care of my kids friends and family lord in Jesus name amen. Then an inch from the edge of the cliff the horse stopped. filled with joy the man said hallelujah!
26. "Save Early and Often"
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ... Jesus saves!"
27."golfing with jesus mosses and a man"
There was once two guys playing golf Jesus, Moses, and an old man. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It land in the water and for some reason it floats so jesus walks out on the water and hits the ball. It lands on the green near the hole. Then Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball it goes straight to the pond and sinks. Moses walks up spreads the water and hits the ball near Jesus'. then the old man hits his it goes to the pond and right then a turtle comes up and it bounces of its shell and flies in the are and lands in a seagulls mouth then the seagull drops it on the green. Then two rabbits come across the green one kicks it then the other and it goes right into the hole. The Moses says to Jesus "I hate it when your father plays".
28. "TRUCK DRIVER"
A TRUCKER IS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN HE SEE'S AN INDIAN. SO HE INCHES HIS TRUCK TOWARD THE INDIAN, AND THEN "WHUMP", HE HITS HIM. AMUZED, HE DECIDES TO MAKE THIS A HOBBY. LATER HE SEE'S ANOTHER ONE AND "WHUMP" HE HITS HIM. HE KEEPS DRIVING TILL HE SEE'S ANOTHER ONE, HE INCHES OVER THEN SUDDENLY SLAMS ON THE BRAKES NARROWLY MISSING A HITCHHIKING PRIEST. SEEING AS HOW HE ALMOST KILLED HIM, HE DECIDES TO GIVE THE PRIEST A LIFT. LATER DOWN THE ROAD HE SPOTS AN INDIAN. THINKING TO HIMSELF HE DECIDES IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT TO HIT THE INDIAN WITH THE PRIEST IN HIS TRUCK, AND FIGURES IF HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH, THE WIND COMING OFF HIS TRUCK MIGHT KNOCK HIM INTO THE DITCH. SO HE INCHES OVER TRYING NOT TO GET TO CLOSE, THEN "WHUMP". HE SLAMS ON THE BRAKES, " OH MY GO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT HIM." AND THE PRIEST SAY'S "YOU DIDN'T HIT HIM, BUT I GOT HIM WITH THE DOOR!"
29. "Vow of Silence"
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Every day he works in the fields and reads the bible in the evening, never saying a word. After ten years, the head monk calls him into his office. "Brother, today is the tenth anniversary of your vow of silence. To mark the occasion, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?" He says "The food's terrible" and goes back to his room. Ten more years of silence, working and reading and again he is summoned to the office. "Brother, you've been with us for 20 years. Again, on this special day you may speak. Do you have anything to say?" The monk says "The bed's too hard", and walks out. Five more years of silence and again he is called into see the head monk. "It has been 25 years since you took your vow of silence, Brother. Do you have anything you'd like to say to mark the occasion?" The Brother says "I quit." The head monk says "Yeah, I expected that. You haven't done anything but complain since you got here."
We all know that jokes are good
for us. After all what would life be without jokes. It would be a pretty boring
place you know.