JOKE TIME c",)

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Dan: Pare, ang bilis ko natapos buuin yung puzzle!
Nilo: Talaga pare? Gaano kabilis?
Dan: 5 months!
Nilo: Ang tagal naman!
Dan: Tanga! Anong matagal? Nakalagay nga dito "For 3 years and up!"
Tongresman: Lintik na ibon yon...Iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper...
Tongresman: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na!
Rico: John, may gift ako sayo from India.... 10 feet na snake...
John: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga...wala namang feet ang snake noh!
Father calling emergency hotline:
Father: Please send help ASAP! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue.....
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
Father: Gago! This is her father!
Mr. Estrada: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Mr. Estrada: No doc. It's Max's!
Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are you choking?
Mr. Estrada: No doc, I'm serious!
Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula
Maid: Sir eh hindi pa po basa buhok niyo
Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.

Jokes sent by kissa (West2)

PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, tumayo pagtugtog ng organ.
Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.
TINDERO: Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ISTIAN: Sige, bibili ako para sa computer ko!
TINDERO: Bakit po para sa computer?
ISTIAN: Haler! May Windows din kaya yun!
Lumindol ng malakas noon... Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki...
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isa pang lalaki...
"OK ka lang? Akinse pa lang!"

Jokes sent by Flouval (SFC Cabuyao)

TEACHER: What is the color of my teeth? (Sabay smile)
PUPIL: Pink!
TEACHER: (Nagtataka) Again, what is the color of my teeth? (Smile uli)
PUPIL: Pink!
TEACHER: Oh no! di ko pala suot ang pustiso ko!
LUMULUBOG ANG BARKO
PARI: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!
MADRE: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta. Lucia!
INTSIK: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!
Isang araw umuwi si Totoy sa bahay nila galing eskwela
TOTOY: Inay, tinuruan kami sa skul ng PO at OPO.
INAY: Oh natuto ka naman?
TOTOY: Aba'y OO!

LALAKI: Doc, duwag akong magpabunot ng ngipin.
DENTISTA: No problem, eto whiskey, uminom ka!
(Uminom ng whiskey ang lalaki)
DENTISTA: O, matapang ka na ba?
LALAKI: Oo, Doc, pag may gumalaw sa ngipin ko, gugulpihin ko!
KUMPISALAN...
TULUME: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako.
PARI: Anong kasalanan mo?
TULUME: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok.
PARI: Magdasal ka ng 'limang' Ama Namin.
TULUME: Father, 'walong' Ama Namin na po ang dadasalin ko.
Babalikan ko pa iyong naiwang tatlong manok.
INDAY: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo ginahasa.
SIR: Paano mo nalaman?
INDAY: Kasi nakalagay sa lapida nila RIP...

Jokes sent by Haydz (SFC Cabuyao)

Tinawag ng isang guro ang isang estudyante kung magaling na sa Matematika.
GURO : Rudy, four plus five?
RUDY : Ma'am, nine po!
GURO : Good! Five plus four?
RUDY : Ma'am six po!
GURO : Mali! Binaligtad ko lang ang tanong ah!
RUDY : Eh Ma'am, binaligtad ko rin ang sagot!
May isang buntis na nasa mataas na floor ang nagmamadaling nagpunta sa elevator...
BUNTIS: Ahhh! Manganganak na ako!! Ang bagal naman ng takbo ng elevator na 'to!
BABAE : Misis, ang hina naman ng loob nyo, nung isang taon nga may inabot dito sa panganganak..
BUNTIS : Eh ako din iyunnn!
LALAKI: Ano nga bang course mo noong college?
BABAE: AB, kaso hindi ko natapos
LALAKI: Sayang ! Sana tinapos mo hanggang Z.

ANAK: Inay! Inay! Si Junior nalulon nya 'yung susi ng bahay!
INAY: Ha!? Sa bintana na lang kayo dumaan!
Nagkita ang dalawang magkaibigan sa isang lugar
MORIE: Makikita ba dito ang buwan sa taas ng langit?
ALLY: Censya na, hindi ko alam, hindi rin ako taga-rito
GIRL: Am I pretty or ugly?
BOY: Both!
GIRL: Anong ibig mong sabihin? Bakit both?
BOY: I mean, you're pretty ugly

Jokes sent by Ed

TANONG: Pang-ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz da terd?
SAGOT: Pang-lima!, di ba siya si Pip?
POLICE CHIEF: Guards may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!
LATER....
GUARD: Sir nakatakas ang hoodlum!
POLICE CHIEF: Paano nangyari yun?
GUARD: Sa Entrance dumaan, Sir!
ISANG SOAP PROMOTER ANG NAGTANONG SA ISANG MISIS
PROMOTER: Misis kapag pinaghalo ang Tide at Breeze, bubula kaya?
MISIS: Aba, syempre!
PROMOTER: Mali po!
MISIS: Bakit?
PROMOTER: Wala pang tubig..

BATTLE OF THE BRAINLESS
Host : Ano ang tawag sa tagasagip sa nalulunod?
Contestant 1 : Safeguard!
Host : Mali! It begins with the letter L.
Contestant 2 : Lifebuoy?
Host : Mali! Matipuno ang katawan nito.
Contestant 1 : Mr. Clean!
Host : Anong floatation device ang ginagamit sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod na nagsisimula sa letter S?
Contestant 1 : Sirena?
Host : Mali! Hindi ito babae!
Contestant 2 : Siyokoy?
Host : Mali pa rin! Hindi ito lalaki!
Contestant 1 : Siyoke!
Host : Ano ang national flower ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter S.
Contestant 1 : Sitsaron!
Host : Mali! Flower sabi, hindi pagkain.
Contestant 2 : Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host : Mali! It ends with the letter "A".
Contestant 1 : Sitsarong bulaklak with suka!
Host : Mali pa rin! Kapangalan ito ng isang singer.
Contestant 1 : Sharon Cuneta.

Jokes sent by J Arvin

FUNNY STUFF found only in the Philippines....
* Nakasulat sa pader: "MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
* along a highway in Pampanga: "WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
* in a Baguio grocery: "FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
* on Jeepney and Bus signs: "BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
* in Cubao: "NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
* on a parking lot: "TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"
* on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue: "WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"
* on a delivery truck: "NOT FOR HERE"
* on window of a restaurant in Baguio: "WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
* at a construction site in Mandaluyong: "BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
* somewhere along San Andres: "NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"
* vacant lot near Makati Ave.: "DON'T PARKING"
* at an eatery in Cebu: "WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
* * and this is the best of them all!!
* on a building somewhere in the Philippines: "NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO

Jokes sent by Angel Pia

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
Host : What is yo ur best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.
Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contes tant : If others can't why, why can't I?
Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.
Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up.
Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25
Host : How! do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!
Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk???

Jokes sent by Flouval

You can email me your wholesome jokes. Thanks.