BestOf

Christine15 aka Space Monkey
It's About The Staff...LOL!
Gene the Jewish missionary

Gene was sent off the coast of Africa to spread and talk of his religion. Little did he know that the island was inhibited by beautiful women led by a dark skinned male patriarch. One day a baby was born but they were sworn into celibacy. Immediatly Gene was blamed and taken to the old patriarch. Gene says, "Look! I did not father that child!" he looks to his left and notices a flock of sheep with a baby black lamb in the middle. Gene points out, "See even a baby black sheep can be born among a family of whites." The chief leans over and says, "if you won't tell I won't."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Paul, along with a drunk and a homosexual were in a bar one night. Each had told each other about their indulgences. The drunk obviously had a wee drinking problem. Paul had the habit of picking up women's panties and the homosexual, well you get the idea. An old gypsy warned the three of them that if they indulged one more time they would surely die. The drunk ignored her and said, 'Yeah, well life's a b*tch" and drank his last drink and dies on the barstool. Paul noticed a pair of women's undergarments on the floor, just as he was gonna bend down to get 'em the homosexual tapped him on the shoulder and told Paul, "if you pick up that bra we're both dead."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Ace was taking a break from the tour and one night while driving in a hot summer night he stopped at the first pub he saw. He went in pulled up a chair and asked, "Barkeep, lemme have a round." and the bartender says, "Okay then but first, whats the name of your d*ck." Ace gave the guy a really weird look, 'What I only came here for a DRINK!" The bartender responded, 'Well I'm sorry but you have to tell me the name of your d*ck. This is a gay bar by the way." Ace didn't wanna go out and look for another pub so he stayed, "Okay, okay, just gimmie a minute to think." The barkeep left. Ace was thinking, and thirsty but he could get no idea. So he turns and asks the guy on the left, "Excuse me, whats the name of your d*ck?" And this guy was so effeminate, "Oh, mine's is Timex, the longer the licking the better the ticking." Ace was really freaked out, "OH SH*T!" He thought, "This IS a gay bar!" He thought some more, he then turned to teh guy on the right, "Yo, whats the name of your d*ck?" The guy on the right told him, "Mine's is Ford, its built strong and hard like a ram, have you driven a ford lately?"
Ace was freaking out even more by now. Suddenly, "Barkeep, I'm ready for my order." The bartender asks him, "Okay then whast the name of your d*ck?" Ace says, "Secret. Strong enough for a man but isn't made for a woman."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Gene and Shannon were quite the frisky couple. Even though she was expecting for the third time they were still frisky. When shannon's time of delivery came and the baby was born he looked at the doctor and asked, "Are you my daddy?" and the doctor said, "no your daddy is over there flirting with the nurse." The baby goes to Gene and asks, "Are YOU my daddy?" and gene smiles and says, 'Yes I am, come here you!" but the baby climbs onto Gene's lap and starts tapping him repeatedly on his head, the baby asks, "How does that feel huh?"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Bruce,Vinnie and ace went on a 'Bad boys" tour in merry old Swtzerland. They rented a hotel after some mean guitar rifting for the Swiss KISS Army. Pooped and tired they decided to rest ALL in the one bed, the last room vacant looking over the alps. Bruce was on the right end, Ace was in the middle and Vinnie was on the left end. They soon dozed off. When they woke up, Bruce stared at the other two lead guitarists." You know what? I had a weird dream, I dreamt that someone was pulling my d*ck!" Vinnie stares back in shock, "You now what I dreamt the same thing!" he yelled. Ace who was in the middle looks at both of them and says, "Thats funny I dreamt I was skiing!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

****PLEASE READ!!!!!****
This joke is dedicated to the late Eric C, the Fox. also not to mention this is sorta of a blonde joke so blondes don't take it seriously!******

Peter and the two Erics were sent to jail. In order to escape the unholiness in same sexed prisons and testosterone Petey and the two Erics dug a hole in their cell while the rest of the inmates slept in the dead of night. They eventaully made it out and managed to sneak into nearby bushes and walk as quietly as they could. the three of them quickly ran into bushes to escpe the night guard. He rustling in the bushes and managed to check it out. He took out his hitting pin and poked it in the bush touching Peter, he meowed, "Meow" the guard thought, "Its a cat." he heard more rustling he poked in the bush this time the pin touched Eric Carr, "Yip, yip." The guard said to himself, "Its a fox." Before he finally would leave them alone he heard more rustling, they were trying to escape, he once again poked and it touched Eric Singer. Eric squealed, "Don't worry its just another cat."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Peter's dad phoned a child psychologist. "My son Peter has a cussing problem, doc. Just the other day he told me what he wanted for christmas." The doctor replied, "Well?" Pete's dad said, "He told me "I want a f***ing bike waiting for me beside the f***ing tree wrapped in some goddamn paper with that sh*tty little bow on top waiting for me to f***ing open it!!!"
Surprised the doctor said, "Well a potty mouthed child, my remedy for that is to place dog waste around the Christmas tree instead of his bike, he should know better than to curse at you like that." Pete's dad agreed and they both hung up the phone. on Christmas eve Pete's dad went to get dog crap and placed it around the tree while everyone else slept. In the morning he woke up to a suprised Peter looking around the tree at the dog waste. 'Well?" said Pete's dad, Peter said, "I think a dog sh*t in here but I can't find the son of a bitch!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Vinnie, Bruce and Ace were trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals. The cannibal king told them, "White devils! You shall not perish if you pass two tests we shall give you." The three of them agreed, for once. The cannibal king told them "Okay, each of you must go into the forest and obtain ten pieces of each fruit that you choose." So Ace, Bruce and Ace go itno the forest looking for a fruit to bring back. Finally, Bruce and Vinnie returned. Ace was of coure a little late "Now," said the king, " one of you must go first , take your fruit and stick it up your ass without making any noise! Whoever does must be killed. Taking a big gulp Vinnie volunteered first. He had cherries. Carefully he tried not to laugh as he stuck the cherries up his rear but couldn't help but laugh and was killed on the spot. Bruce went next. He had grapes. He pulled down his pants and began to stick the fruit up his ass. Then he starts laughing his head off and was killed on the spot. Now he is in heaven with Vinnie. Vinnie glares at him, "Why did you laugh, you were gonna make it!" Bruce looks at him and says, 'I know, I know but I saw Ace walking back with a pineapple."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Florence Lobowski, also known as Gene's momma was having a warm coffee along woth three nuns at a local IHOP.
One of the nuns says, :"my son is a minister and when he makes his entrance at the church, they call him 'My Father.' The second nun says, "My son is a priest and when he walks into the room, he is called "My grace." the third nun says, My son is an archbishop and when he makes his presence known he is called "My Immanence." The three nuns look at Mrs. Lobowski who sips her drink while looking somewhat nervously at the three nuns. "Well?" they ask. "My son is a rock star and when he makes the stage people say "MY LORD!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Mrs. Florence Lobowski was in her kitchen washing dishes as every other descent wife does after a home cooked meal. Then little Chaim starts running in, "Mommy Mommy can little gilrs get pregnant?!?!?" Surprised his mother tells her son, "No my dear little girls cannot get pregnant." So then little Chaim shakes his head, "Oh, okay" then runs out again, "Its' okay guys we can play that game again."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

To The Tune of Unholy
*Unruly*

I was there at those parties
Gettin drunk, gettin hotties
You have seen me ditching school
I'm a cycle of pain of a 14 year old reign
I'm trouble and damnation the all aggravation that you brought forth from your womb.
Im the loud mouth and rebel thats drunk and at your door!
Thats why I am so, unruly!!!!!!!
Oh I was created by you, you know I'm unruly!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
I am the teen ager, I don't obey your rules, the child you carried inside you,
but you are the b***** that calls me by my name!
you sent my brother to war
to serve losers and sluts!
So now you know you created me the day he was gone!
Thats why I am so unruly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You lay down to sleep
You're worried sick
Better lock your door before you cry
and now you know
Why I am like this!
Thats why I feel so unruly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UNRULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UNRULY!!!!!!!!!!!
UNRULYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Did you ever wonder where this situation came from? You know, about Pete and Ace doing the Bill and Monica thing. We thought it was an urban legend when some of us read "Kiss n Tell". Some of us were ensured when we read Gene's book (pg. 176-177). Now for the first time ever read about its origin HERE! This joke made me laugh and I hope it will make you too. Enjoy!

It was sometime in the early 1970's. With their album going platinum, Pete and Ace decided to celebrate by going out in downtown New York for a few drinks. When they were satisfied and left the bar Pete suggested that they go to another. "But I only have five bucks left." Ace said. After a moment of silence Peter took the five dollar bill, "I know." He gestured Ace to follow him into a small liquor store. Peter came out with a packet of wieners. He opened them and pulled out a sausage and threw the rest of them away.

Ace asked him, "What are you doing?" Peter filled him in, "Okay, what we do is use this hot dog, right? And we go into a bar and when its time to pay, I'll put this hot dog between my legs and you pretend to suck, that was when they catch us we don't have to pay." Ace was a little bit more critical about the idea but gave in, "OK its your idea."

Eagerly Peter lead his buddy into another bar. The guzzled down their drinks. Before the heck came Peter reminded Ace of what they were doing. "Ready?" Ace nodded. So Peter positioned the hot dog in between his legs and Ace began to pleasure his buddy orally. Or so it looked like to the bartender. In a rage of fury he bellowed, "FREAKIN QUEERS!" he throws our drummer and guitarist out. They both some out laughing and decide to have a little more fun.

So they go to another bar and begin to fill up on drinks. When they have had their share, Peter offers to Ace that he should try. So Ace grabs the hot dog and Peter pretends to give his pal a BJ. The bartender here also got upset, "FRIGGIN HOMOS!" so he throws them out too. Success they still hadn't paid.
Now they go from one bar to another guzzling down drinks and practicing their little homo stunt so that they wouldn't pay.

Finally at the last bar, they were both so inebriated that before Ace put his head between his buddy's legs he looked up at him and said, "Listen I think this enough, we should just drop this hot dog thing." Peter looks at him and says, "Hot dog, what are you talking about? Sh*t man we lost that hot dog three bars ago!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

When Peter was a kitten, his mom would have an affair with a strange man. When Pete's dad came home, she would put him in the closet, the same place where she kept Pete while her 'friend' came over. While in the closet, a naive young Peter conversed with the man.

Peter: It's hot in here
Man: Yeah
Peter: Want my baseball? Its signed by Babe himself!
Man: How much?
Peter: $250
Man: Forget about it!

And this went on for sometime
Peter: It's hot in here
Man: Yeah it is
Peter: Want my baseball glove, it signed by the cardinal's pitcher!
Man: How much?
Peter: $1000
Man: Fine!

Peter's dad came home one day and Peter told his dad about his investment. "Guess what dad I have $1000!
His dad was surprised obviously, "How did you get $1000?" Peter said, " I sold my glove." Peter's dad was furious. "Now what did I tell you about ripping off your friends! I'm gonna take you to confess!" So Pete's dad took his son to the church to confess. In the confession room, Peter said, 'Its hot in here." And the priest said, "Don't start that sh*t with me again!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Woah oh oh,
OOOOHHHH YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I know its sounds strange from a girl like me
I've got an adult mind
Some tell me that I have mental problems
Others tell me its one of a kind

I was told that I was pristine and obscene
I just wanna know how it feels
I really want it from Ace Frehley
And like the spaceladies said
(Chorus)
Cuz f*cking Ace is my fantasy
Oh Oh OH!
Oh Oh oh!

Just 16 and full of insanity
Oh Oh Oh!
Oh Oh Oh!

To feel that body burn just for me
I really wanna hear him say, "Just shock me!"
Cos whats so sick about a girl like me
With a fantasy

The other ladies know 'bout my fetish
It was no surprise
And there are some that were really sqeamish
It really opened their eyes
I really want him to take me on a rocket ride

(Chorus)

Oh oh I really want it from Ace Frehley
I got it in my head
I really want him to just take me
And like the Space ladies said!

(chorus)

Don't try to tell me that I'm to young for this
Where I come from, everybody's free to fantasize!

(Chorus fades away)

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Every year Gene and Shannon would go to the state fair. Shannon really wanted to go on the airplane ride that would do alot of crazy loops and twirls. Gene told her, "That ride is ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars." This went on the next few times they went. Shannon wined, "Please Gene baby, can I go on that ride?" Gene told her, "Shannon honey I told you..." After he explained, the ride pilot overheard and told them, "Hey, you wanna go on this ride?" Shannon nodded, "Well then, I'll make you a deal, I will let you ride it but if you keep quiet and not say anything I will not charge you, but if you make so much as a peep its ten bucks, I've heard enough screams for today." They all agreed and Gene and Shannon got on the ride. Within a few minutes after take off the plane made crazy loops, twirls and all sorts of neat stunts and tricks that only the fearless will enjoy without second thoughts. When the ride was over and the plane was just about to take land, the pilot said, "Man, you guys are pretty brave, not a sound." Gene said, 'Well I was gonna say something when Shannon fell out but 10 bucks is ten bucks."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

(This parody is dedicated to my co workers at Lick It Up and my KOL buddies, you guys rock! I wrote this in algebra class today to release me from boredom. Enjoy! )

Swinging in the branches
Writing jokes all day
working at the diner
hoping it will stay

working with the spaceace
greyzone and DM
paying my way through school
and entertaining them!

oooooh where creatures of the zone
ooooh were creatures of the zone

breathing in the sauces
washing the dishes
starving and waiting
Til I eat some fishes

Bottle of Destroyer
Pouring from my hand
DM is the owner
She says, "Ain't life grand"

Nightme is approaching
Time to put up a show
I may be much too young
But it will bring the dough!

Ooooooh were creatures of the zone
Ooooooh were creatures of the zone!

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Paul and his daddy were walking in the park one day and little Paul notices a couple of dogs going at it. Paul asks, "DAD! What are they doing?" Bill says, "Um...making puppies." Later that night Paul catches his folks doing the dirty disco. "DAD!" Says a shocked Paul, 'What are YOU doing?" his dad says, "Um making you a sister." Paul says, "Well turn her over cos I want a dog."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

A fifteen year old is at a supermakket looking for condoms. He finds only one clerk at the register. He proceeded to ask her, "Excuse me ma'am I need some condoms." The woman asks him, "Okay then but do you know your size?" The teen says no. The clerk says, "Okay but the only way I'll know is if you let me squeeze you, I will know." The young man complies and the woman squeezes the boy's 'goodie bag' she speaks on the megaphone, "Large condoms to aisle 7, I repeat large condoms to aisle 7." Meanwhile a 15 year old Gene notices. He walks up to the woman and asks, "Excuse me miss I also need condoms." The clerk asks, "Do you no your size?" Gene says "No" So the woman tells him, 'Well the only way I will get your size is if I squeeze you." Gene complies and says, "Okay." with that she squeezes and yells on the megaphone, "Mop and bucket to ailse 7... I repeat mop and bucket to aisle 7."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

......but a joke nontheless,

whats the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
the way they both say amen.

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->-

As we all know Ace is a fan not only of Nazism but of the 'other side'. After KISS he became president of NASGAP.
National Association of Spectors Ghosts And Phantoms. One day the association was having a meeting and ace was delivering a spech at the podium. Finally he asks, "who has had the opportunity to SEE a ghost?" Thirty hands out of the hundred raise up. He pauses to think, "Who has actually TALKED to a ghost?" 1/5 of the congregation raised their hands. Then Ace asks, "Who has actually TOUCHED a ghost?" Only ten hands are lifted. THEN Ace asks, "Who has actually had SEX with a ghost?" This lone hand all the way in the back is raised. Suprised Ace is eager to hear his story. "You come up here." The one who raised his hand turned out to be a wee Scotsman complete in kilt and no less. "So you really had sex with a ghost?" Ace asks. The Scotsman looks at him and says, "Ghost?! Ay, laddie I thought ye sed goat!"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

It was after Christmas and 8 year old Peter was riding his new bike. He pulled up next to a cop who was on a horse. The cop looks at Peter and asks him, "Hey did Santa give you the bike?" Pete says, "Yep." The cop gives Peter a $20 ticket. "Next year ask Santa to give you a license for that baby." Pete looks at the cop and says, "Did Santa give you the horse?" The cop repies, "He sure did." And Peter responds, "Well next year ask him to put the d*ck under the horse instead of on top of it."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

*NOTE: Its not that I don't like the (non) originals, they're just here in my jokes, enjoy!

If Eric singer and Eric Carr both jumped off a cliff, who would hit the floor first?

Eric Carr because Eric Singer has to ask for directions
*****************************

What did Peter write when he was given the contract in 1974 under "Sign here"?

Saggitarius
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What do you call a brunette drummer(Carr) in between two blond drummers?(Criss and Singer)

A beat interpreter
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If Eric Singer was a woman and pregnant, who many brain cells would she have?

Two
************************

One day Eric singer married a lovely brunnette. She was expecting and when her due date came he was by her side helping her cope with the pain. When the baby was born it had dark hair. Eric looked at his wife in fury and yelled, "Allright! Who's the father!!?!?!"
***********************

Why did Singer get fired from the MM's factory?

Beacause he kept throwing out the Ws
*********************

Why couldn't Eric Singer dial 911?

Because he couldn't find the 11
********************************

What do you call a balloon in between Eric S and Peter?

Triplets
*****************************
How do you know if Eric S or Peter was at your computer?

If you see white out stains on the screen.
*******************************
Why did Peter fail chemistry class?

Because he thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates
*******************

What do Peter and Eric say after they were fired from KISS?

"Hi, welcome to McDonald's."

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

Peter is enjoying the later years of his life in a quiet, remote house in New Jersey. One morning he saw his neighbor's kid walking down the road with something in his hands. Peter asks, "Hey son, watcha got there?" The kid says, "Chicken wire." And Pete asks, "What are you gonna do with that?" and the kid says, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens with this." Peter laughs uproariously and yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The kid just laughs and walks off. When he returns at sunset Peter sees that the kid has returned with the chicken wire and about 35 chickens in it.

The next day early in the morning, Peter is sitting out in his porch watching the sun rise. He sees the same kid with something in his hands. Eagerly Peter asks, "Son watcha got there?" And the kid says, "Duct tape." Again Pete asks, "Whatcha gonna do with that?" and the kid tells him, " I'm gonna catch me some ducks with it." Again Peter can't believe the kid and yells out, "You damn fool you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Again the kid laughs and walks down minding his own business. When he returns, Peter sees the kid with unwrapped duct tape and about 30 ducks in it.

On the third day, Peter sees his young neighbor again with a weird object in his hands, he asks, "Son watcha got there?" and the kid says, "Its a pussywillow." And Peter says, "Hold up! Let me get my hat!

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

On their very first Japanese tour, Gene began to feel a little frisky being around the delicate beauties of the East. On the night before their big show, Gene snuck in a Japanese groupie. During their lovemaking session, she kept screaming out "Hoshimota!" He thought he was pleasing her so he continued on despite her weird cries. After all it hurts the first time.
The next night KISS performed to an audience of 100,000 in Budakon Hall. Breaking the Beatles record attendance. After Gene made his solo, he yelled, "Hoshimota!" All the Japanese audience began to look at each other and Gene strangely. Paul, Peter and Ace also gave Gene the "what did you say?" face. Mr. Udo the Japanese promoter went onstage and asked Gene, "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

You can count on me!
Sometime ago when Peter was still in KISS he decided to remain for a little while before returning to his solo career. As luck would have it his agent called and told his to head back to Jersey to renew his contract with his old record dealers. He was in LA and teh tour was gonna start in a week so he left his new wife Gigi in with care of KISS, Gene, Paul and Ace. This included Bruce, Vinnie(I'm being nice here!), Mark and the two Erics. Before heading back to the East coast he asked a friend of his who worked with mechanics to make a special belt for Gigi. This belt would cut off anything that would try and dare enter Gigi, if you know what I mean. In other words he made that belt so that she would remain loyal to him on his two day hiatus. When he returned he could see that all his bandmates d*cks were cut off. Peter of course wasn't pleased at the sight. He then saw Gene and his member was still in place. Peter then proclaimed, "Wow! Gene for once you've been loyal!" But Gene couldn't talk.

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

It's About The Staff...LOL!
(Stories written by Space Monkey at 'the LICK' diner)

So the Hottest Band in the world were dining at the very restaurant dedicated to them. Star Monkey seated them. While they were waiting, the time was erased by Callum and his jokes, our menu, and later a little tush shaking by me. :-p

Meanwhile, they all notice a very good looking platter. A huge chunk of meat dripping in sauces and steaming right out of the oven, covered in spices with a fragrant smell to along with it. Gene calls for a waiter and Star Monkey is happy to assist. "Whats that? "Gene asks. Star Monkey says, "Well those are bull testicles. Their right out of Spain after the bull is fought and mauled in a bullfight. So don't worry we didn't kill it."

The order looked so tantalizing as it was set on someone else's table that Paul said, "Give us an order of 7." Eric S, Bruce and Vinnie were also present. "Right away Paul" said the Star Monkey. 15 minutes later, their orders were ready. This time a Spanish waiter came with the orders. As they were set on the table, Gene, Paul,Peter, Ace, Eric S, Bruce and Vinnie glared at their orders. They were all actually smaller than the ones they saw earlier. "What the F@#$!" they all said. Peter roared, "What is this!!! This was supposed to be bigger!!!" The Star Monkey sent the Spanish waiter and he nervously explained, "Well, senor (pronounced : sin your), you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins......

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

The Space Monkey {that's me!} had a passion for baked beans. She loved them so much that she would eat them everyday after school. But like all of us she couldn't escape the effects of those beans if you get where I'm going. She decided to give up her passion when she bagan working at Gene's Lick It Up Diner. She didn't want to be blamed for the unpleasant odors from her meal.

One Saturday, she was flying around Planet Jendell in her rocket when it broke down in mid flight. She called DM with her cell phone and told DM, "Listen I'm gonna be late for work." DM said that it was okay, after all the space monkey was a minor.

She passed by Barney's Beanery and the owner popped out and told her, "Guess what you are the 100th person to pass by today, and you will be served our special, all you can eat baked beans." The Space Monkey refused but was tempted by the smell, and eventually she gave in. She pigged out on the bowls of baked beans. After about 5 bowls she was full and looked at her watch. It was almost time to go. The Space Money got up and put-putted all the way to Lick It Up.

When she got there DM greeted her by the door and told her, "Guess what! I have a surprise for you!" She puts on a blindfold on SM and leads her into the dining area. The phone rings just as DM was gonna take off the blindfold DM told her buddy, "I'm gonna get the phone and whatever you do, don't take off the blindfold!" SM said, "Okay." DM went to get the phone, "Hello?"

As soon as she knew that DM was in the other room SM would rid herself of the gas she was holding when she got into the door. She lifted a leg and let one rip. Not only was this one bad but it made the dishes on the cupboard rattle. But she wasn't done. She lifted her blue tail and broke wind again. This one was as ripe as rotten eggs. But there was one more. This one was a real blue ribbon winner, this one made little sparks of radioactive lighting out of her anatennas. She heard DM say, "Okay, good bye." Signaling the end of her loneliness and privacy SM folded her hands and pretended like nothing happened. DM came in and unfolded the blindfold, "Okay Space Monkey, SURPRISE!!!" Much to SM's shock, KISS along with Radioactive, sweet pain, KissVIP, gimmiekiss, spacebear, Frehleygirl, Frehleys Angel, Pauls Angel, Greyzone, guitargirl, and spaceace1218 were sitting across the table staring back.

SpaceMonkey!
@)->->->

~ CALLUM'S KISS COMEDY CORNER ~
Jokes Contributed by Our Very Own, Callum "Starchild" Stewart aka Chef!

Eric Singer loves sea food - there's is no kind of fish he wont eat. He walks into Lick it Up Diner and asks me- "do you serve shrimps?" I looked out the kitchen at him and said - "sure man, sit down - we serve anyone!"
ACK!

OK, here's a REALLY bad, cheesy stand-up comedian style joke:
I was talking to my buddy the other day and he told me he loves the studio side of ALIVE 2, and I said "which studio side, there's four!"
(because of the stupidly large number of overdubs)
Here's a little parody of HEAVEN'S ON FIRE:
Feel my meat/watch my cock rise higher/burn with me/my ass is on fire (this isn't mine - I saw it in a book)
Here's a parody of SHOUT IT OUT LOUD:
(PAUL)There's nothing worse
than a **** that just
wont fall out of your hole (fall out of your hole)
you've gotta make
that stupid ****
splash in to the bowl
(GENE)You can sit there
you can scream and shout
that **** just doesn't understand
I know it's tough
so KISS and I
are gonna lend a helping hand
Whoa-whoa-whoa
Squeeze it
squeeze it
sqeeze that **** out!

Here's a new one:
KISS get on a plane that starts to plummet towards Earth. The pilot announces that the plane is too heavy and jettisons the luggage. As KISS watch their costumes, drums and guitars fall to Earth, the pilot announces that the plane is still too heavy and would KISS please grab on to the ladders above their heads. They do and the floor is jettisoned. Still too heavy - one of them must let go. Paul decides to sacrifice himself to save the rest of the band and lets go. As he falls the rest of the band give him a round of applause.

ACK!!!

HOW THAYER REALLY JOINED KISS:
The reunion tour is coming up and KISS are rehearsing. Every week at 9:30 they meet in their apartment on 42nd Street to practise and every week one or more members doesn't turn up for one reason or another. Ace in contrast turns up for every rehearsal, every week, bang on time. KISS' manager decides to show Ace his appreaction and make an example of the other members. He gathers up the four who are one and starts:
"Look guys, the first show in make up for 15 years is next week, and only Ace has been turning for rehearsal."
"Well," says Ace, "I thought it was the least I could go, seeing as I cant make the tour."

Ace, Vinnie and Bruce all live of the same street in Detroit. One day Bruce decides to put up a sign outside his house "BRUCE KULICK: THE BEST GUITARIST IN AMERICA!" Not wanting to be outdone Vinnie puts up a sign: "VINNIE VINCENT: THE BEST GUITARIST IN THE WORLD!" Ace sees this and puts up a sign: "ACE FREHLEY: THE BEST GUITARIST ON THIS STREET!"

Paul, Gene and Peter walk into a bar. Ace ducked.

Gene and the Pope die in a tragic plane crash, but by freak accident the Pope is sent to Hell and the Demon is sent to Heaven. God and Satan work things out and the Pope is brought up, whilist Gene is sent down. They meet half way and the Pope tells Gene "I can't wait to meet the Virgin Mary." The God of Thunder rolls out his tongue and says "she's not a virgin anymore!"

Paul arrives in London for the UK leg of the farewell tour (if only!). His limo is waiting for him on the runway and, after posing for photos and meeting fans, his driver takes him to the hotel. On the way he says to his driver: "Y'know being on the road all the time, I never get the chance to drive myself - could I drive the rest of the way to the hotel?" The driver ponders this, and after a while let's Paul drive. Paul, excited by the prospect of the open road again, puts "Detroit Rock City" on the sterio and puts pedal to metal. 50mph, 60mph, 70 mph, 80, 90, 100, 101 miles per hour, faster and faster along the road. A traffic cop sees the limo going 120 mph and immediately contacts his boss. "Chief," he says down the phone, "I've just clocked a limo doing 120mph!" The police chief asks "Why haven't you pulled him over?" "Well boss, he's really important - see, I didn't want to pull him over." The chief says: "listen - he cant be that important - who is he?" The cop answers: "I dunno, but Paul Stanley's his driver!"

It's 1972 and Stanley Eisen and Gene Klien meet for the first time. They hook up with Peter Crisscoula and "Ace " Frehley and form a band called KISS. A club called Coventry offers them a gig and the young foursome jump at the opportunity to play live. During the show two young blondes arrive and stand at the front of the stage drooling over the young and naive Stanley and Gene.
After the gig, the two blondes go back stage to meet Stan and Gene and the pair seduce the boys.
"Hold up," one of the blondes says, "you boys gotta wear these." She holds up two condoms. "Now," she says, "you gotta promise me you wont take these off."
Stan and Gene promise and the foursome have a night of wild sex.

Jump to: the present day. Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons have bid rock n' roll a fond farewell and have retired. The pair are sitting out on their porch one day when Paul turns to Gene and asks:
"Hey, Gene, remeber the old days?"
"Sure do buddy!" Gene replies.
"Remeber those two girls we met at the Covetary club in NYC?"
Gene smiles: "how can I forget."

These is a pause and Paul and Gene look at each other, then down towards their crotches.

"Hey Paul, Think we can take these off yet?"

Some Peter Jokes:
1. How can you tell when Peter Criss is at your door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
2. How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You know it's coming but you cant do anything about it.
3. What is the difference between Peter Criss and a chiropodist?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet.
4. KISS want to play an all night gig but Peter is not up for it. Bill Aucoin asks Gene - how late does Peter play? Gene says: about a half a beat behind everyone else.
5. Why are KISS show intermissions only 20 minutes long?
So they dont have to retrain Peter.
6. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
7. How can you tell the drum riser's level?
The drool comes out both sides of Peter's mouth.
8. What does Peter use for contraception?
His personality.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. As long as the roadie climb up the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him?
10. Peter walks into a music store and asks for the red trumpet and the acordian. The clerk looks at him a bit funny and says: "you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays here."
11. (This is pretty sick) Gene calls Peter but his wife answers. "Can I speak to Peter" Gene asks. "I'm sorry," his wife says, "but Peter died this morning." "Oh, sorry" Gene says and hangs up. Five minutes later Gene calls again and asks for Peter. "I just told you Mr. Simmons, Peter passed away this morning." Another five minutes pass and Gene calls again: "Hello, is Peter in?" "Look buddy boy," Peter's wife starts," Peter is dead, ok? D.E.A.D. Dead! Geddit?" "Yeah," Gene says, "I just love hearing you say it!"

And here's an Ace joke to even things out a bit:
How many Ace Frehley's does it take to change a lightbulb? 15. One to climb up the ladder and hold the bulb in place and 14 to drink till the room spins.

Greyzone's Vision & More Kiss Jokes
KISS Chips

*vision - Hot and dusty, Greyzone leaves his footprints from the front door of The Palms Casino and Resort in Lost Wages, Denada, through the lobby, past all the thonged beauties lounging by the pool casting lusty glances at him, and enters the casino, whereupon the 95,000-square-foot room becomes suddenly silent, and as usual, the lead guitar has the last note. Eyes follow him apprehensively as he makes his way smugly to the blackjack table. The people part as he moseys up to the card table, throws down his canvas US Postal sack, raising a cloud of dust causing the folk next to him to cough.

The dealer makes a small eye movement and security moves in flanking Greyzone, just in case you know. "$500 worth dealer." I says, cool as sh*t.

"KISS or regular?" asks the dealer.

"KISS, five 'C' chips, thanks."

"That'll be $1500 sir."

"That include the jewel cases and pics?" eyes dealer with slight suspicion.

"Yes sir." beginning to show slight nervousness, at any argument about exhorbitant prices.

I reach into my sack...the guards reach for their guns. Before they can take the safety off, I pull out my stash and flip one buffalo ch*p across the table, "Change Please." - vision ends*

Dining Jokes

Gene & Peter Dining out

Now get this, Gene and Peter were eating at the Lick It Up Diner, and Gene was having trouble concentrating on his double, chocolate fudge, demon's food cake. Space Monkey, the entertainment, was being terribly distracting. Gene could hardly control himself so he called to Peter, "Pass the saltpetre!" Saltpetre...get it?? Sheesh, what a crowd...

Gene Paul & Ace In A Restaurant
Now this is a Gene marketing joke...

Gene, Paul and Ace were having dinner in the Lick the other night. Gene and Paul were having a serious difference of opinion, and Ace was under the table. Paul was trying to explain to Gene that trying to market the KISS Kondoms and the KISS Koffin at the same time was a serious conflict in marketing stratgey. Paul was overheard saying, "If we push the Kondoms and our socially responsible image, in the long run, there will be fewer and healthier KISS fans! So who will you sell the Koffins to then?"

Gene said, "No problem Paul. Our Koffins will be turning a profit in the short run, as our original KISS fans are are hitting the 'seniors' mark, and the KISS lifestyle takes it's toll...whatever. That reminds me, have you seen Ace?"

"He's under the table." replies Paul.

Ace hears his name and crawls on to his chair..."I'd kiss anything for a smoke?"

Gene and Paul look at each other with dollar sign eyes and smile, "Sometimes he's good for something" they say in unison.

Parody

I'm Addicted To This Board At Kissonline!
(I Pledge Allegiance to the State of Rock & Roll)

I gotta wonder what the Hell I'm doin
It's 5AM and my eyes are burning
Just one more post, but who am I foolin
The hands on my clock they keep on turning.

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!

I used to be a good employee
I went to work and did more than my share
I come back home to my wife and family
But now I tell them I must go upstairs
Yeah then I disappear
Yeah I don't even hear

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!
Yeah I'm getting twisted
Yeah that's how I want to fry!

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!
Kissonline!