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by: Angelic Guy BDSM stands for many things, and is often confused or totally mis-understood. Let me first start with a few observations of my own then move on to the real concepts behind BDSM. My thought is that everyone has, within themself, at least one 'fetish'. That is, one thing that is not usually considered part of normal sex. It may be something like a foot fetish, or a liking for stockings, a desire to dress up for sex or the need to be spoken to in a certain way. Most people, I hope and believe, find their particular turn on. Some are very lucky, and are able to live it out. People should not make judgements about others because of this. BDSM is the same as any other fetish, but unlike a foot fetishist, who can be clearly labelled, a person into Bondage, or pain does not have such a clear label. The reason that BDSM label is so vague is this: most people who are into part of it are usually into several parts. Slavery is usually linked to either bondage, pain or both. It is common to find slaves that like one aspect, but not another. This follows for Dom(me)s too. It is quite possible to be a sexual submissive, but not like pain - this does not make the individual any less 'into' BDSM. You will often find people comparing their 'likes and tolerences' - this can be counter-productive - we each have different levels of abilities, and beating everyone else is not the aim of the game! There is also a difference between a submissive and a slave: a submissive tends to desire to be dominated in sexual way and be nurtured and guarded and to be free to make their own decisions about most other things; a slave desires total ownership, and requires all things to be decided for them - sexually and otherwise. So, here are a few things that are all tied up (if you pardon the pun) with the BDSM scene... Bondage Loss of Control Mind Games Discipline Domination Submission Slavery Spanking Body Piercing Body art Branding Humiliation Public display Sadism Masochism and many many more. Quite often, some or even all of the above will be combined in one relationship. One thing is important to note here. Many people, when they realize that they have feelings related to any of the above, feel that it is wrong/dirty/perverted. It is not. It is a natural feeling. Think back to pre-historic days. In those days, that was how things were done. Remember one thing, though - everyone is different - just because you like something doesn't mean everyone else will... And in the UK especially, be careful of the law. There was a case of a group of Doms caught whipping a group of subs - all quite consentially the Doms were arrested for assult, and the subs for aiding and abetting assult on themselves! So, be careful! Even though most people think that consent is all that is required, the prosecutions usually come from the police, not from the victim. What do I have to do to start out? Be yourself! If you have dominant tendencies, try expressing them. That does not mean beat up your wife or partner - that is aggressive, not dominant! You can be a Dom without laying a finger on anyone - most submissives find 'mind games' as stimulating as physical contact. If you are Domming someone over the internet, or phone, then try getting the sub to perform 'tasks', and report back to you on how they did, how they felt etc. You obviously have to build up a trusting relationship for this to work, so that needs to be achieved first. BEWARE - there are many people out there who play at being submissive, but are just playing at it - try to work out a system that will detect this early - you don't want to waste your time with these people. There are also alot of people who pretend to be Doms, but in a real life situation, cannot deal with it. Try to find out about people from others who know them before you make any commitments. BE SAFE - do not give away too much early on - you do not know who you are really dealing with. They could be total fakes, or total psychos! DO NOT GIVE AWAY PERSONAL INFORMATION until you are sure that it is safe to do so. Your phone number in the hands of a nut is a dangerous weapon! If you have one, a mobile phone number is usually a good starting point. They are almost impossible to trace the owner. BE HONEST - lying achieves nothing in the long run - just anger. If you are married, say so. Make a rule that you will not discuss your private life with anyone, and you will not ask them about theirs. Cyber world is a strange place - neither total reality, nor total fiction - it lies somewhere between. People can get hurt, really fall in love, really believe. Do not abuse this strange cyber world - it can be a great place to learn and experiment - but it is never quite as good as the real thing! First Steps... OK, so you want to get into BDSM - you are a person who thinks that you have the capacity to Dominate, or the desire to serve. How do you progress? You need to ensure that you both know the limits of the sub - what she will accept, and what she will not. Some people cannot be marked at all, some only in certain places, so if you are told not to mark her body, don't use implements on her that will mark her. Ensure that you have a safe word, and know how to use it. Don't use it if it is not really necessary, and don't ignore it when it is used! But take this to heart - if you set out limits as a sub, don't push the Dom into a corner where he either has to break the rules you set or be beaten by you - That is not what BDSM is about. First, a few things that BDSM ISNT ! From a Doms' side, it is not an excuse to beat up a woman, or mindlessly humiliate her - she is a submissive, not a doormat. Some slaves desire this treatment, but they are few and far between. You are there to satisfy your needs and desires, but certainly to satisfy hers too - she is putting her trust in you, so don't abuse it. From a subs side, you are not a doormat, but you are not a sparing partner either. If you want a battle, take up chess! There is nothing wrong with being 'fiesty', but goading a Master into beating you up is not the usual way to proceed. D/s is a shared experience - one person being in control of another- from suggesting things to do through to demanding and punishing. It is supposed to be pleasurable to BOTH sides, not just the Dom. Some subs get pleasure from pleasing their Dom, others from the feelings of being used. Remember that you are to please her as well as yourself. As a Dom, what will I be expected to do? Hmmmm, an interesting question - I am glad you asked. There is no definitive answer to that - it will depend on your sub. Some subs require training in the ways of submission, others are far more experienced at subbing than you will be at Domming. Depending on the level of the relationship, you will be expected to look after your sub, emotionally and physically. You will be expected to look after his/her BDSM interests. For a good relationship, Real Life is preferred (cyber and phone loses some of the atmosphere). As for what a sub will expect to be done to him/her, well, that can be anything - bondage, blindfolding, spanking, caning, humiliation and plenty more. There are many aspects to BDSM play, some you may find revolting, others really exciting: watersports (that is peeing, not water-skiing), piercing (take care with hygine here), anal sex, and forced acts (be wary of safe words and your subs wishes here) can all be part of a relationship - they are like the sweet counter at Walmart - pick and mix. A few important notes, though - BE AWARE OF THE LAW - MANY THINGS THAT YOU MAY WISH TO DO IN A BDSM SCENE ARE ILLEGAL IN MANY COUNTRIES. As a Dom, you do not instantly get respect, it should be earned, so earn it. If you demand it, you stand little chance of success. Set tasks that are realistic, and set punishments that are achievable. Once your sub has lost faith or respect, you may as well give up. As a Dom, always wary of subs who either appear too good to be true, or far too eager to meet. A sub is usually more likely to be 'hurt' in a meeting and so is usually far more cautious of a first meeting than a Dom (this is not always the case, but generally). A Dom should not be demanding too much information about the sub - she will tell him when she is ready to. If you pressure someone too much, they will become disinterested, and distance themselves. Thought for the day: And when you find that ideal Dom(me) - Keep hold of them!! A good partner in BDSM can be hard to find - one that is on your level both D/s wise and in other ways. If you are looking for more than a play partner, you need to have more than just BDSM in common. 
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