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by: Angelic Guy I wish to evoke your thinking about this subject to get you out of your "box" and consider an interesting view that perhaps may differ from your understanding of submission as a "gift". Many novice submissives are terribly afraid of letting their true personalities shine through, and are holding back for fear of being branded "unsubmissive" or worse still "brats". These same women are often successful in their careers and other relationships, are well-liked in their community and are often well-educated and very bright, dynamic people. Thus we call you the best and brightest. Through many of hours of private discussions with such people one is often frustrated at finding themselves unable to ease their trepidation. One possible culprit in this mystery-drama is the classic phrase "Gift of Submission" and the assumptions which derive from it. The idea that submission is some sort of gift is terribly romantic, but perhaps we should forgo the romance and stay realistic to try to explain how this idea has the power to mislead a huge segment of the D/s population, both Dominants and submissives. None of us are "D/s experts" and most consider ourselves students, observers, and experiencers of power exchange relationships. The idea of submission as a gift to be offered to a dominant stems from the "safe, sane, consentual" rubrik embraced by the modern BDSM subculture (usually simply called The Scene). For submission to be truly consentual, they argue, it cannot be forced from the submissive, and she must offer it up without duress. This concept deters dangerous and aggressive types from preying upon naive submissives, by making it difficult for them to convince her that they can take her by force. It also gives submissives who are unwilling or unable to leave a partner who is not, infact, controlling them, a way to pretend to themselves that they are in a D/s relationship. After all, he doesn't have to do very much, simply "accept the gift" that she has presented him, as he often does (with symbolic trinkets such as a collar) just to keep her happy. Both these scenarios act to perpetuate Scene teachings, since the majority of people would certainly support the protection of submissives from forceful predators. With a majority of women discovering they are submissive after having committed to other relationships, we have a large pool of people for whom believing in The Gift is self-serving. The teaching has served them well, and they propagate it to the novice. Some have a serious problem with this. They think this Gift mentality disables in-depth understanding of the exchange of power. Further, it limits the dominant's liability while maximizing that of the submissive in a relationship where supposedly, he is the one assuming the greater responsibility. If her submission is a gift to him, and he comes home to find that she hasn't done something he has told her to do, where does the logical train of thought lead? It leads to the idea that she has FAILED TO SUBMIT to him. Not that he has failed to establish his control of her - no, she has failed to "be submissive". He'd accept her Gift if she'd only be good and keep offering it as they'd negotiated. And if she's broken her word to keep offering this Gift, she's more than likely to feel seriously conflicted and terribly guilty. Instead of the dominant realizing that he needs to gain insight into the reasons why his control has lapsed on this occasion, he is tricked into simply blaming the supposedly powerless submissive for the lapse. In such a situation, the submissive has in effect shouldered almost the total sum of the liability for failure to meet the dominant's expectations. No wonder a common derivative of Scene "gift" mentality happens to be, "submissives are the ones who in reality hold all the power." Sure they do, if it is in their scope of decision-making to offer their submission or take it away. The dominant has effectively both shed his responsibility (and liability) for retaining power, and inadvertently made his submissive partner's obedience a condition of his dominating her. It's as if he'd said "I will only control you if you will listen to me," rather than "You will obey me because I will control you." The first statement is conditional, weak and unstable, leading to fear of the submissive topping the dominant's tenuous control by simple misbehavior or resistance. The second statement is unconditional, powerful and lends a feeling of safety and stability to the relationship, making the submissive realize that she is subject to behavior control, instead of her behavior being the controlling factor in the relationship. These scenarios are played out hundreds of thousands of times between unsuspecting new couples. Often the submissive is literally convinced that her mannerisms, her behavior, her every word and action is going to determine the success or failure of the power exchange. The dominant, if he is indeed a dominant at all and not simply a vanilla man trying to give his partner what she says she wants, feels profoundly disempowered, unable to figure out why she is constantly fretting over every little nuance between them, unable to figure out how to control her since he has hit the brick wall of an emotional trap. This trap has been set by The Gift, and if he tries to control her through displeasure, scolding or punishment, he finds that she is unable to handle it and reacts with deeper self-condemnation "knowing" as she does that she has yet again failed in maintaining the power exchange through her gift of submission. If he goes easy on her and attempts to give her unconditional love, he finds that she can't handle that either, given that she actually craves the structure and reality of being controlled. We've seen such situations, if not salvaged by a competent mentor, disintegrate into the submissive sinking deeply into self-loathing and self-blame, often sincerely questioning both her submissiveness and her ability to be a good submissive. Picture the frustrated dominant roaming forever trying to find an "obedient" submissive, not realizing that obedience is not a natural personality trait, but is a response to genuine and effective control. If you would like to give someone a gift, let it be roses. Leave your submission for a dominant to evoke and nourish. For dominants, if offered a gift of submission from an unsuspecting little one, let her know it isn't hers to give, but yours to coax out of her. Enough said. 
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