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by: Unknown As defined by Webster’s Dictionary, obey means: transitive senses 1: to follow the commands or guidance of 2: to conform to or comply with intransitive senses : to behave obediently Obedience, one of the essential elements of a D/s relationship, without which the power exchange involved in the relationship, would be non-existent. Obedience, that with which every submissive struggles with to some degree in their evolution of surrender. In essence, for the submissive, obedience is the submission of his/her will to the will of his/her dominant. Obedience as a component of your submission cannot be taken by your dominant; it must be given to your dominant. To some, obedience comes more easily than to others. Depending on your personal mindset, submitting your will to the will of your dominant may be the greatest struggle you face in your evolution as a submissive. Those submissive’s who are in dominant positions in their professional lives are most likely to struggle with the submission of their will, obedience, to their dominant. As a new D/s relationship begins, the dominant begins to affect their control and exert His/Her dominion over the submissive by issuing assignments, duties and/or commands. For submissives experienced in the D/s lifestyle, obeying their dominant’s directives once trust has been established, will be almost second nature. However, for the new submissive, the realization that they are expected to surrender control and obey directives from their dominant can lead to internal turmoil and confusion. Those new to submission possess a strong desire to please their dominant, to submit to their dominion, but making that desire a reality often is far more difficult than was anticipated. A new submissive is often devastated by their failure to obey a command from their dominant. Their first failure normally has them immediately questioning the truth of their submissive nature. They expect, once they identify themselves as a submissive, to immediately put to practice with perfection all those qualities they have come to understand are innate to the submissive nature. As such, when they fail in their obedience to their dominant, they naturally begin to question whether or not they are truly submissive without understanding that the submissive nature is ever evolving, and grows from infancy into adulthood as they begin living the submissive experience. An experienced dominant, when dealing with a submissive who has only recently identified their submissive nature, will begin to exercise their dominion in incremental steps, understanding that the new submissive needs to adjust to the mindset of submission. Normally, they will exercise their dominion in small steps, testing the submissive’s willingness and ability to obey. Additionally, the experienced dominant will go to great lengths to explain their expectations for obedience and the scope of control they expect to have over the new submissive’s life activities and behavior. This is and should be a negotiation process, subject to amendments and adjustments as the impact of that scope is lived and experienced by the submissive. The new submissive needs to feel that they have the ability to ask questions about the commands, directives and/or assignments given to them by their dominant. I recently was in a discussion with a submissive who was new to the lifestyle. Her dominant had ordered her to go to bed when she was neither sleepy nor tired. Rather than question why He wanted her to go to bed, she simply informed Him she was neither sleepy nor tired and was not going to bed. A mistake to be sure, one she felt certain indicated that she was not “cut out” for the lifestyle. Her dominant punished her for her impertinence and rightly so, after which she inquired as to why He had ordered her to go to bed. Had she asked this question first, she would have discovered the reason for His request. They had been involved in a very deep conversation regarding their new relationship. He wanted her to think about what had been said and have time to absorb some new revelations that came about during T/their discussion. He does His best thinking when He is lying down, so He felt having her go to bed would allow her to take time to mull over the details of their conversation. It had not been His intention to make her feel like a child in fact, His intention had been to allow her the time and the means to gain some clarity and perspective on their relationship and His expectations of her. Her mistake was twofold; one, she did not respectfully question His request and two; she chose to blatantly disobey Him, voicing her refusal in a very disrespectful manner. Now what you need to understand is this submissive was crushed by her behavior. She strongly desires to be obedient to her dominant but finds her mouth getting ahead of her mind. She is a professional woman who supervises others in the workplace and additionally, she is single and used to making her own decisions. Suddenly, she has discovered this innate need to submit her will to the will of another and cannot understand why she is struggling with the process. She did not understand that obedience is an evolving process and a learning process. She craved being obedient without understanding what obedience entails. Disobedience begins as a thought process before it becomes an action. As our submission evolves, our thought processes evolve subtly, allowing our submission to blossom forth in expression. As our thought processes evolve, our instinctive reactions to requests from our dominants begin to change, where once we felt challenged we soon begin to see opportunity, an opportunity to please our dominant through our obedience to Their wishes. Those who possess a submissive nature often also possess a spirited nature. It takes great strength and courage to be submissive, so it is not surprising that these attributes are often found in a spirited individual. Sometimes, those new to their submission feel that their spirited nature is a liability to their growth as a submissive and seek for their dominant to dilute or destroy their spirit. A dominant's goal is not to break your spirit, but to redirect that spirit's energy into a smooth submissive stream of strength. This takes time, because unless done correctly, the dominant may destroy the very thing that attracted Him/Her in the first place. An experienced dominant will guide the spirited submissive to obedience in a manner that channels their spirit without destroying it. Most new submissives begin the exploration of their journey and their search for a dominant via the internet. This presents a whole new group of challenges to obedience, given the anonymity provided by the computer. If you expect to evolve in your submission then you must evolve in your obedience through practice. While faking a written assignment is next to impossible, it is certainly possible to feign physical obedience. After all, if your dominant asks you to place clothespins on your nipples, it is quite easy to type that you are doing so while in fact; you are filing your nails. Your dominant may instruct you to be totally nude at the computer screen. You know there is no way He/She can know if you are naked, so what the heck, why not just tell Him/Her you are as you sit there fully dressed? He/She will never know. Unfortunately, this is a pitfall that many fall into, one that not only affords no opportunity for growth in your submission but it also indicates a non-submissive mindset and a lack of any semblance of sincerity. The internet is full of game players, don’t become one of them. Your dominant cannot effect any development in the evolution of your submission unless you allow your dominant the gift of control. Feigning obedience is wasting your time and His/Her time and if you are innately submissive, faking it is denying yourself the opportunity to allow your submission to blossom forth. If you find something your dominant requests of you painful, tell Him/Her. Not all submissive do find pain enjoyable and not all dominants are seeking a relationship grounded firmly in S&M. There are as many ways to practice D/s as there are members of the community. You need to find a dominant whose sexual expectations match your sexual orientation. This does not mean that a dominant will not and should not expand your experiences. However, if your dominant is sexually gratified by S&M experiences, seeking someone who enjoys extremes in sexual experiences and your sexual make-up is geared more towards bondage and mild discipline, faking your enjoyment or pretending to do as your dominant asks is only going to end in heartache. The important thing to recognize in your struggle to obey is that you are going to fail on occasion, more frequently when you first begin your journey. It is a normal and natural part of the evolutionary process. And it is just as normal and natural to feel devastated by that failure. That devastation is further evidence of the truth of your submissive soul. Believe it or not, most dominants also feel a sense of personal let down when you fail to obey. They feel responsible for your actions, and as such they view your disobedience as evidence of some failure on their part to communicate effectively with you. Disobedience is a two-edged sword, cutting both ways. Knowing that your dominant is as deeply affected by your disobedience as you are can go a long way to curbing those rebellious instincts and motivating you to comply with their direction. Most submissives are devastated by their first experience with disobedience and the subsequent punishment. They felt they have failed abysmally, and question the truth of their submissive nature. One Master wrote the following as His description of the evolution a D/s relationship goes through, particularly as it relates to obedience: A katana is a Japanese long sword, during its fabrication the metal is hammered flat and folded upon itself 1000 times. With each hammering the metal is heated until it glows red then almost white with intense heat. While the metal is so hot it is shaped or hammered into its desired form. After that it needs to be quenched to temper it otherwise it will be brittle and easily broken when it cools. The quenching releases the heat in the metal and cures it, but it is a violent reaction, lots of hissing and steam. After a lot of hard work and craftsmanship a katana is formed...the workmanship is so fine they are passed down for generations, some being hundreds of years old yet still as strong and sharp as when they were created. Obedience is a basic element of a D/s relationship. It is from these basics that growth and sophistication in your submission will occur. Think of your submissive spirit as a seed that has been planted. Allow this seed to be nourished by your dominant. Permit His/Her dominion to water you, His/Her intellect to provide the light you need for growth and His/Her experienced hands to prune you so that you can blossom forth as all that you were intended to be. Every garden has its thorns and weeds. It is the gardener that brings forth the beauty and potential of the garden and not the plants themselves. Allow your dominant to bring forth the beauty of your submission through your obedience to them. 
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