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from the book "The Stranger in Your Bed" by: Dr. Rosalie Reichman The book deals with addressing both single people of both sexes who are looking for mates.. or couples who are trying to better understand the dynamics of their relationship. Intimacy barriers can some in many forms. They are often fears that are deeply imbedded into an individual that consitantly sabatoge any relationship they with to persue. Most of these barriers are rooted on some type of fears that are very real and very destructive. Once you begin to peel away the excuses and the defenses, they can be understood and altered. This is difficult because they are often disguised and expressed in peoples behaviors and feelings in a complex way. One behavior can represent many fears and one fear can lead to many different reactions depending on the individuals personality. Althought there are as many fears that will emerge, there are basic elements that seem to be common links to them all. These are the 6 common threads. #1 FEAR OF ABANDONMENT Abandonment that their loved ones will actually leave them or to some the fear is not purely physical desertion but psychological withdrawl.People who are afraid of being abandoned feel unable to survive on their own. They do not trust their own internal resources and believe they need others for their very existence. How do they express this anxitey? Some make sure they always have safety nets when they enter into each relationship. Some will limit their dependency on any one lover by having more that one at the same time. If abandoned.. they will have others to surround them. Others, ward off abandonment by doing whatever they can to please their mates so they will never be discarded. They feel at risk and need constant reassurance that their mate will be there for them. #2 FEAR OF REJECTION Rejection is difficult for anyone but even more so for those of us who have unrealistic fear of it. This fear is related to abandonment but is somewhat different. People who fear rejection are also afraid that they will not be accepted for who and what they are. They fear the needs can never be met. Even once they convinced that their partner will not leave them, they may continue to feel rejected because they are not totally accepted by them. Many of these people will bring on rejection themselves. Since they expect it, they interpret any indirect action to fuel this fear. Then believing themselves rejected, they can withdraw or become angry causing their mates to feel unfairly treated will then retaliate. Most will never connect their fear to the cyble of the behavior. They will continue in the cycle of unsuccessful relationship after another. #3 FEAR OF ANGER Some partners will live in trepidation of their mates anger, as if anger or disapproval will surely lead to abandonment. Unable to realize they are threatened, many are able to mask their fear and defend against it by either getting angery or pacifying their mates. Also some will react with compliance, hoping to apease the anger, often going so far as to refrain from saying or doing things that might trigger an outburst by their mates. Wheather the original anger is justified or not, they are so threatened by it that they will attempt to alter it by statements like... "How dare you get angry with me and make me feel so upset! Why are you doing this to me?" This fear is so threatening, they will avoid confrontations at all costs by refusing to make any promises or commitments to their mates to ensur that they wont disappoint them in any way. Many will confess that they "hate to be yelled at" or "dont want anyone to be mad at them" but cannot verbalize what it is that is feeding this fear. #4 FEAR OF CRITICISM Getting close to others means disclosing a great deal about yourself. It also means allowing them (and what they think) to become important to you. While this is a risk for everyone, for those who fear criticism, it is crippling in a relationship. These people are always concerned about others seeing their faults and weaknesses. They tend to anticipate criticism as well as fear it. How does someone's fear of criticism interfere with relation? Well it makes is very difficult for others to express the most minor complaint or ask of anything different from them. In an attempt to ward off criticism, some partners will cause great difficulties in their relationships. Some react in anger, feeling they must protect themselves from what they view as an attack. Others play weak and helpless, hoping to avoid the blow by making their mates feel guilty or at least sorry for them. Neither of these meathods are successful and further communication on the subject becomes destructive and drives a wedge between the two of them. Why are some people so afraid of criticism? They have low self-esteem which will also lead to low self-confidence. To feel good about themself, they can never make a mistake. They are perfectionist and are unable to forgive themselves for their mistakes. They are prone to seeing things in black and white, good or bad. Because they are so ready to believe the worst of themselves, they believe that others do also. #5 FEAR OF MERGING In some people, this fear reaches such proportions that they feel they will be "take over" if they allow anyone who they become too close to. They worry about losing their integrity yet at the same time want and need the closeness of their partner. They have difficulty knowing who they are and what they stand for. Anytime a partner asks for anything, they feel they must comply because they allow themselves to blend into their mates wants and needs, at the expense of their own. People who have difficulty balancing intimacy with individuality or fear they cannot maintain their integrity in a relationship, may do so because they were unable to separate from their past. It is possible they can feel inhibited in spending their own money,, or doing something they enjoy in their free time for fear of the need for constant approval. #6 FEAR OF DEPLETION In an intimate relationship the amount and type of giving and recieving are subjective undefined. This causes problems for those afraid of giving too much and not getting enough back. These types of people have difficulties with giving freely as they are very needy. They believe they cannot give to others as they need too much themselves. Yet in spite of their great needs, sometimes they have difficulty accepting from others. They worry others will expect more of themself than they can give. They fear the price they will have to pay for what they get will be higher than they can afford. When these people will give to others or do what others want in order to get affection, they become resentful and often become depressed. Because they feel so needy, they tend to have unreasonable expectations of others and are intolerant of their inadequacies and flaws. They interpret others actions in a way as to reinforce this belief, looking for evidence of what they have not done. These people can come to expect more than anyone can reasonably give While it is normal to want to be loved for who and what you are, these people exaggerate this desire to mean they should be loved without anything in return. In ensure their partners dont merely want them for what they can do for them, they limit the amount they give back It is impossible for the mate to get much out of this relationship at all. This group wants unconditional love, They demand their mates love them no matter how little they give or no matter how provocatively they act towards them, no matter what is sacrificed. As you can see.. there are many types of fears but the results are the same. Each causes people to create a barrier between them. A barrier that will hold them back from reaching the full experince of total intimacy. It is natural to protect yourself.. we all have certain walls to that must be confronted when exploring a relationship. They are there for our own good.. our own self-preservation. It is when they become threatening to ourrelationship.. when they continue to hold us back.. that we must face them.. and over come them. 
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