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by: Jack Rinella www.LeatherViews.com I'll be the first to admit that there is a wide range of attributes that make for good sex. Emotional, physical, intellectual, and experiential qualities improve or detract from the act of sex in all its forms. I state that with the understanding that SM is a form of sex, even if there isn't penetration, orgasm, or genital contact. To try and isolate one quality among many and call it primary is dangerous and I certainly wouldn't want to be taken literally here, as there may be lots of other aspects to good sex that need to be considered. I suppose I should re-title this column "One of the Primary Dynamics of Good SM," but I won't. Instead I'll just warn you not to take this as gospel, just as (I hope) one good idea among many. My experience shows that underlying the sexual act in all its diversity is a strong correlation between control and surrender. Let me begin with defining those terms. Dynamic refers to "Of or pertaining to energy, force, or motion in relation to force;" control is "To exercise authority or dominating influence over; direct, regulate;" and surrender is "To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion; to give up in favor of another." As Mom taught me, "It takes two to tango." In SM, then, it takes a balance between control and surrender to direct the energy of two people in (sexual) motion. In this case motion can refer to a wide range of fetish and sexual activity. This scenario does not infer an either/or situation. Though there may be relationships wherein one is in greater control and the other in greater surrender, there is nothing in this equation that denies the reality that both partners may be in control to some degree while simultaneously surrendering in some way to the other. I am taking this line of reasoning because we too often think that good technique makes for good SM, without understanding that technique is only one of the qualities which we need to possess. Without good technique we are going to be at a significant disadvantage. On the other hand it seems to me that we often miss the best experiences because we forget that there are serious attitudinal aspects to what we BDSMers do. Our largest sex organ is, after all, our brain. The best sex is all about getting two "brains" in sync. Control involves technique, as the better the technique the better is one's ability to control. The better I control a whip or paddle, the better the scene. Likewise the better I control my body, my hips, my genitals, my voice, and my hands, not meaning to leave out all the rest, the better will be the experience. There is an important relationship between the physical and the attitudinal here as well, as the better attitude improves our physical movement and improved physical movements improves our attitude. Surrender, too, is a form of technique as there are specific actions that one can take that both creates and maintains "surrender." Inspired by the good control that our partner demonstrates we are then freed to surrender, which in this case involves relaxation, affirming responses, and a submission (placing under) of oneself to the other. There is more to this dynamic than just physical technique. For that reason mutual trust becomes a necessary element. Without it there can be real difficulty in attaining the kind of surrender, and hence control, that optimizes SM. I am not sure what words to use here as there is some kind of psychic connection between partners that we often fail to consider. For good reason we have a strong hesitation about surrender as there are common barriers that we maintain around our selves. Life has shown us they are necessary, helpful, and ubiquitous. Finding ways to lower them is probably a life-long search that begins within oneself. There is an important message in the last paragraph. Good sex begins with you, not your partner. Certainly your partner is part of the equation but knowing yourself, your true desires, and allowing yourself to own them without fear, guilt, or shame is critical to making sex "good." This applies to both tops and bottoms. Tops have to own their ability to control and accept their role of directing and regulating. It isn't easy to overcome our cultural biases and embrace domination and mastery, even if we're not in a Master/slave relationship. There's going to be as much control and surrender (though in different degrees and ratios) between two versatile, equal partners, as between the most controlling dominants and their submissives. Likewise bottoms will have the best experiences when they are able to "let go." This is easier said than done but as partners get to know each other and have trust-building experiences, mutual surrender becomes more possible and the outcome more pleasurable. Putting good sex in terms of control and surrender runs the risk of inferring that these attributes are sole, when they are not. The kind of control to which I refer has a certain flexibility to it, even as surrender needs to maintain a degree of initiative and zealousness. Just demanding doesn't work, nor does just maintaining some high degree of passivity, instead there is a reciprocal kind of dynamic at work. As in playing on a see-saw, the lower one goes, the higher the other can be. Resistance on one's part is necessarily a limit for the other. Flogging presents a good example. The better I can control the whip, the environment, and myself, the better I am able to create an intense dynamic, a flow of energy between myself and my partner. Likewise his or her surrender encourages me to go further, to increase the intensity of my flogging. Control here involves a rather complete awareness of the various signals, i.e., vocal, physical, and intuitive, that my bottom sends me. Control is good listening, good watching, and good "feeling." Control is being able to tune out the rest of the world so that my focus is carefully attuned to the moment. Likewise, my bottom's ability to surrender (or not) creates his communication to me. It also allows him to transmute the pain into pleasure, to take more and therefore "go deeper." Resistance such as tenseness, fear, and doubt will constrict the flow of energy between us, send a negative form of communication, and keep us both from the highest forms of pleasure. Copyright 2002 by Jack Rinella All rights reserved. 
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