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by: Angelic Guy So your interest in domination has been piqued. No doubt, you have questions, preconceived notions, and probably many misconceptions. If you are like most of us when we started out, there is a jumble of conflicting thoughts and emotions coursing through your mind. Excitement, trepidation, a feeling of being overwhelmed at all the newness and things to learn, perhaps even a little fear. Relax. It's normal.(Does it sound strange to you to use that word in connection with what most of us have been led to believe is a perversion?) Yes, you have a lot to learn. That is one of the beauties of D/s. One never really learns all there is to know about it. Getting the basics down will require time and effort on your part. There aren't any Cliff Notes you can study for a couple of hours to earn the title of a "Master." As excited as you are about this, you will likely feel some level of frustration once you realize that it's going to take work to be a good dominant. Don't let that discourage you. The lessons can be quite delightful. You are probably anxious to try this stuff out, too. Eager to rush off and find yourself a submissive to kneel at your feet and fulfill your every whim. Take a deep breath. This is where reality steps in. There isn't some endless pool of subs out there just waiting to serve you. If you are a dominant, you can be so without owning a submissive. Right now you need to take the time to learn what is expected of you, the basics of acceptable behavior, and what this D/s thing is about. Domination is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification. Different Loving, p. 77 Brame, Brame, and Jacobs Published by Villard Books First, you should know that there is no "right" way to be a dominant. How you express your domination is as individual as your fingerprints. You may choose to be strict and demanding, gentle and nurturing, or any combination in between. One style isn't better than another. Domination is an extension of your unique personality. When I first began exploring domination. I had some vague notion about what it was but no real information. I roamed the bdsm rooms on Prodigy and AOL, observing the behavior of others who called themselves "dominants". From what I observed in others, I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to be haughty, uncaring, selfish, demanding and unforgiving. I watched as other "dominants" used the vulnerabilities of submissives to their own selfish ends. None of these traits were part of my character, but I tried to force them into my personality under the assumption that this is the way dominants must be. That didn't last. I couldn't sustain for long the mask of something I was not so I began searching for information from experienced dominants. I devoured fiction and non-fiction alike. While the novels were enjoyable, I knew they were only a fantasy conceived in the mind of the author and I had enough wits about me not to try to translate those stories into reality. It was the books of experienced real-life dominants that showed me my domination wasn't defined by what I did, but by what I am. Armed with this insight, I realized that it takes more than carrying a flogger or adding the word "Master" to your chat channel nick to be a dominant. It takes work. Each of us is attracted to the world of domination for our own reasons. For some, it is a way to spice up the bedroom. Others see it as an opportunity to increase their chances to "get some." Still others use it as a way to escape the hum-drum realities of their life, playing a role much as one would in a game of "Dungeons and Dragons." For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are. Whatever your motivation, understand something clearly: being a dominant requires you to be in control of yourself before you can ever hope to safely and successfully be in control of another. The submissive, quite literally, will be placing his/her life and emotional health into your hands. It is a tremendous responsibility you need to consider very carefully. This lifestyle isn't for everyone, and I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on what motivates your domination. If you are looking for an easy relationship where you are the unquestioned boss, you are in for disappointment. If you aren't motivated to give as much to the relationship as you receive (emotionally as well as physically), you are likely doomed to failure. The foundational principles of life as a dominant. D/s is a power exchange, which means that all involved give one-hundred percent of themselves. If you are not prepared to do that, I suggest that you not waste your time. Domination is: Safe, Sane, & Consensual An exchange of power flowing from the bottom up. Mutually gratifying to both dominant and submissive. Liberating Nurturing Courteous Founded upon trust and mutual respect Domination is NOT: Abusive Demeaning Perverted Exploitative One-sided Something you learn in a day, a week, or even a year For Everyone Domineering Manipulative An excuse to be rude Next we'll explore the basics of what it means to be a dominant. Understanding the fundamentals of the lifestyle is crucial to your growth, no matter how you choose to implement them. From that flows the term "Dominant" as one who exerts control over a consenting partner. Notice the words "consenting" and "mutual." It is important to dispel a common misconception that many novice dominants have. Being a dominant does not entitle you to lord over any and all submissives who happen your way. The critical term that distinguishes "domination" from "abuse" is consensuality. Consenuality is really the first law of D&S communities. Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S: Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins. (Different Loving, p. 52) This applies to more than just sexual activities: It extends to our interactions on every level. Unless you have a relationship with a submissive, you have no right to expect their submission to you. Waltzing into a room and commanding subs to "kneel before you" will, at best, get you laughed at and will likely earn you the disdain of dominants and submissives alike. We have various terms for such people: Players. trollers, Clueless heterosexual dom/me wannabe, HNG (Horny net geek), and several other less polite adjectives. The essence of domination is to take another's power and then use it for mutual pleasure. The Loving Dominant, p. 24 John Warren, Ph.D. From this, you can see that it's not all about "me, me me!" but about "us." Everything that occurs between dominant and submissive should be for mutual benefit, not for yours alone. It's not about the sub giving everything and you sitting back and taking it all, offering little or nothing in return. It is a power exchange. Power exchange is the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the dominant. Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns, p. 235 Miller & Devon Published by Mystic Rose Books Let's take a closer look at that. We see from the definition that the dominant is empowered by the submissive. Control isn't something that we take, but it is something that we accept. There's a subtle difference. In order for the submissive to surrender some of his/her control to you, you have to earn their trust. It isn't something that you are entitled to by virtue of your title as "dominant." Once again, the emphasis is on "consensual." Of particular note is the last sentence in the definition. This is an exchange, which means it is a two-way process. In return for your submissive's surrender of control, you have an obligation to assume responsibility for those things surrendered. This is where the idea of negotiation comes into play. Negotiation is the process of determining the practices of sexual and SM activities between a top [dominant] and bottom [submissive]. It may apply to the whole relationship or just a specific scene. Negotiating is an ongoing process that that is repeated as the players' needs change. "What? You mean it's not as simple as me giving the orders and the sub obeying?" In a word: No Fiction and the media certainly have led many to that misconception. In reality, it takes communication. Both parties have to make known to each other what their needs, desires, and limits are. Failure to do so can lead to serious physical or emotional injury and is the most common reason for a bad session or the failure of a relationship. It is more than you simply laying down the law. You need to know what your submissive's hopes, desires, and expectations are. She may need something from you that you cannot or are not willing to offer. You may need something from your relationship that the sub is not ready to give. Since you are going to be dealing with subjects that, for most people, are very difficult to discuss, it helps to have tools that make the process easier for both of you. Communicating our most intimate emotional and sexual needs and desires isn't something we are used to doing. Additionally, as a novice you or your submissive may not have any idea what kinds of activities might be enjoyable other than what they have already experienced. Most experienced dominants utilize a checklist of sorts as a negotiation tool in order to discover hard limits, high- and low-interest activities, as well as a means to expose the submissive to things they may not have even considered as potentially erotic. One very common mistake dominants make and that you should avoid: you should fill it out as well, so that your submissive knows your interests. This will help to guide them toward pleasing you better. Most dom/mes I've encountered think of the checklist as a tool only for the submissive to fill out. But if you don't express your interests, how will the sub know how best to please you? You might be amazed at how this opens up the lines of communications between the two of you. D/s relationships are built upon a foundation of trust and communication. Those two factors, more than any others, will determine how successful and satisfying your relationships will be. You can no more build a house without a solid foundation than you can a relationship. The choice is yours: Build your relationship upon sand or stone. It doesn't take an engineer to know which will last longer. This is just an overview to get you started along the path. You have so much more to learn before you can call yourself a "Master." Where do you go now? To the bookstore. Books are an absolute necessity for your personal library, not just to own, but to read and understand. The internet has links to many popular D/s books and library or articles on may of the subjects connected to this lifestyle. At this stage of your journey, you can best further your training by learning from the vast experiences of those who have gone before you. 
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