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by: Jan Hall Writer for the International S/M Leather Fetish Celebration Domestic abuse is not the same as consensual S/M. Yet abusive relationships do exist within the leather S/M community as with all groups. Unfortunately due to the sexual orientation, abused people who are into S/M may suffer additional iscolation and may hesitat to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stero typed. No group is free of domestic violence but fear, denial and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem. Domestic violence is not restricted to one particlar group within the S/M community. A person's size, gender or sex role is irrilevant, anyone is subject to abuse. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing or iscolating another without consent. Because of the intimidation factor, there can be no consent. The first step is in defining the problem, questions can help a person to define the abuse which can have characteristics that are sexual, physical, economic and psychological Does your partner ever hit, choke or otherwise physically hurt you outside a scene? Have they ever restrained you against your will, lock you in a room or used a weapon of any kind? Are you afraid of your partner? Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not something that can be agreed upon, there is no absence of safe words. Have they ever violated your limits? Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either a Dom or sub? Does your partner constantly criticize your performance or withhold sex as means of control or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you feel obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? Does your partner iscolate you from friends, family or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? Has your partner ever abused or threatened your children? Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Have they ever stolen from you or up run debt? Does your partner have an unhealthy emotional dependence on you? Does your relationship swing back and forth between alot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly critizing you, humiliating you and generally underminding your self esteem? Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger with frustration? Do you feel that you cannot discuss with your partner what is bothering you? No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone, connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in an abusive relationship, fear of the abuser, lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counsellors, anti-violece programs and crisis lines in your area. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through on Order for Protection or Harassement Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer. We can reduce domestic violence. We need to admit and to recognize domestic violence does exist within the leather S/M community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make their own choice. Keep all information confidental. Encourage victims to take legal action and seek support. Do not excuse battering by drug and alcohol misuse. Support the victims need to change their attitudes about themself. They deserve better. Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers, lead discussions, print up lists for members of what resources in the local area which are S/m supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about your lifestyle and encourage their appropriate intervention. "The Celebration" specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and distribution of this information. 
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