SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE WWF TITANPRIZE. IT'S MISSION: TO EXPLORE AND ENTERTAIN NEW SOCIETIES AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS.  TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WRESTLER HAS GONE BEFORE!

TITANPRIZE CREW:

Captain Vince McMahon
First Officer, Commander Shane McMahon
Chief Engineer, Commander Stephanie McMahon
Chief of Chiefs, Commander Linda McMahon
Chief of Security, Commander Kane
Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Taker
Diagnostics Officer, Lieutenant Commander Jericho
Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Commander Austin
Transporter Chief, Lieutenant Commander Debra McMichael
Communications Officer, Lieutenant Commander Rock
Counselor Al Snow (assisted by H.E.A.D.)

... And many more!

WWF TITANPRIZE-CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

    "Captain's Log, Stardate 103100.00. Happy Halloween to me! Waking up to this hellish holiday was about as much fun as finding razorblades in your trick or treat candy! That damn fool Foley wants to have a horror film festival in the Smackdown tonight to put everyone in a festive, ghoulish mood.....well I guess since being lost in space tends to suck morale like a black hole, I should make allowances."

    McMahon sighed and turned to the medical reports. Piro wanted private lab space? His own personal playground of terror? Hah! Vince snorted. Like hell, freak!

    The captain whistled a merry tune as he tossed that padd in the trash and moved on to the pressing Security matters at hand. Well, well, well! Up jumped the devil again, and on the Day of the Dead too. How fitting that Austin would come to haunt him on this most morbid of holidays, but this time... this time the Rattlesnake had been bitten.

    Certainly not a lethal bite, not by anyone's standards. The crime was simple, straightforward. Lieutenant Commander "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Chief  Tactical and Strategic officer, stunned by sniper fire from an illegally modified Nytron disruptor while draining the kegs in the Smackdown. Injury: a mild burn to the left arm. Witnesses: None. The deed had gone down after closing. Forensic evidence was miminal.

    "Seems that a real dumb s.o.b. with bad aim and wicked intentions shot blanks this time, but I'm concerned about a repeat performance. Lieutenants Bradshaw and Farooq are launching a full-scale investigation."

    A sip of strong black coffee couldn't snap the chill out of the air.

    "My only fear is that Austin will seek vigilante justice...."
 
 

THE SMACKDOWN

    Joe smiled. The games were about to begin.

    Halloween. The Earth-style celebration of the dead and supernatural. Ghosts, demons, and other morbid creatures coming from the dark side to haunt the living.

    But why bother raising the dead when there was so much else haunting the crew? Secrets better left buried, terrifying memories resurrected, shameful sins drawn into the cold, hard light.

    Information and Linguistics-a beautiful job. Easy access to all the tricks so Joe could treat himself to the aftermath, the stunning emotional fallout.

    "So Joe..." The rough voice of Ensign Malenko was about as welcome as spit in his synthehol. "Just what the hell is so amusing today?"

    "Just soaking up the party atmosphere, Dean." Joe said casually. "Getting myself psyched for the Halloween film festival that Foley's putting on."

    "You work Info, right Joe?" Malenko leaned against the bar, eyes sweeping the place like surveillance satellites. "You hear things....see things..."

    "Sure." Joe nodded. "All confidential. Between me and the computer." Unless of course, dirty little secrets and tainted data accidentally slip out.

    "Here's the thing." Malenko licked his lips. "I was in the hot tub with Mandy and Victoria last night... just relaxing and enjoying a few martinis. Shaken, not stirred, of course." He edged closer to Joe. "No one ever takes a ho seriously for some odd reason, they don't think twice about having conversations of a sensitive nature around them."

    Joe said nothing. Always let your victim dig their own graves - one of the golden rules of troublemaking. Once they had made themselves six feet of space, you just gave em' that little push over the edge.

    "Mandy was in the ship's boutique, picking out some... evening wear." Dean smirked. "Daffney was there, arguing with her ex, David Flair. Seems Dr. Piro is very interested in getting his own lab and resuming his medical experiments. "

    Joe raised an eyebrow. "McMahon won't grant his request for lab space. I've seen Piro's rap sheet - not pretty, not pretty at all." He thoughtfully sipped his synthehol. You could actually make a pretty decent horror movie out of Vamp's life story. "If that Nytron ghoul crosses Dr. Taker, the only thing he'll be experimenting with is boot-removal techniques."

    "I didn't put much stock in it myself." Malenko agreed. "But it makes you wonder..." He lowered his voice. "If Piro wants to dissect the crew, what other Nytron schemes could be hatched? Russo has already escaped once. There could be a shipwide conspiracy brewing!"

    Joe laughed. "Whoa there, Dean! Ease up on the melodrama! Most of these Nytron losers are just grateful they're not rotting in the brig. They're not gonna screw over McMahon after he's showed them  mercy."

    "Seems the Titanprize needs to be more vigilant." Malenko declared. "I know these Nytron rebels, was almost one of em myself. Turn your back on Russo's lackeys, they stick a knife in. Give them an inch, they take a mile. No, I can't just let them run wild on my watch."

    "I feel so much safer knowing you're on the job, Dean." Joe remarked dryly. His entire body tingled with anticipation as the lights in the Smackdown dimmed and softened. Laughter eased into quiet murmurs and whispers. Prepare to be scared, boys and girls.

    "Just between you and me..." Malenko seemed antsy, noticing a couple of scantily clad admirers making a beeline for the bar. "And I know I can confide in you, since discretion is your livelihood. My protege, Crash is developing some state of the art spy gadgets. Those Nytrons won't lose an eyelash without me knowing about it."

    Spying on people? Watching and not intefering? What a stifling bore!

    "This is on the...down low, you know what I'm saying?" Malenko gave him a sly look.

    Joe drained the rest of his synthehol. "Hey, who would even believe me?"

    "Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first annual Halloween Film Festival!" Foley warmed to the cheap pop his special holiday event received. "How's about a special hand for Culinary Officer Rikishi, who provided all the free treats! Back that ass up for us, man!"

    The crowd clapped politely. Stephanie sighed, the empty seat next to her a glaring reminder of the loneliness she couldn't shake. Kirk Angel was in Sickbay, shuffling papers, and Chris....."Cut it out, Hardly!"

    "What?" Jeff steadied his lazer pen, a red dot glowing between her eyes. "Do you find that annoying?"

    "First, I'm gonna shine your new toy up real nice." Steph said through gritted teeth. "Then I'm gonna turn it sideways. Connect the dots, Jeffrey."

    "Just bring it, baby." He grinned at her.

    Foley cleared his throat. "And of course, a warm round of applause for Edgester and his little buddy, who will be operating the holoprojector for us tonight!"

    Christian nodded and smiled, sliding a glowing pink holocrystal out from under his glossy black trench coat. "This is so totally the pinnacle of coolosity, brother! Who do you think left these illegal videos in our quarters?  The awesomeness fairy?"

    "Mind your heinosity, Christian." Edge frowned. "Jeff Hardly was never in our room. Attention, Smackdown patrons!" He whipped off his crazy ass sunglasses. "Christian and I are proud to present.....Terror on the Titanprize!"

    "Oh god!" Jeff groaned loudly. "Are we gonna be forced to watch you and Christian strike poses and comb each other's hair for six hours?"

    "Oh no, my chairalicious little friend." Christian smirked. "Introducing our first totally awesome feature - Stephanie does Engineering!"

    "What?" Stephanie gasped.

    "Did I miss anything?" Jericho spilled popcorn on her lap as he stumbled into the last empty seat available "Geez sweetie, you look terrible. Correct that. More terrible than usual."

    "Steph did some porn." Jeff said matter of factly. "And Edge and Christian have found the X-rated evidence."

    "Would it kill you to grow up?" Lita sighed.

    "Wanna make out?"

    "Oh yes, Jeff." Lita rolled her eyes. "If the movie doesn't scare me, your frightening inability to kiss will."

    "A simple yes or no would suffice, love muffin."

    "Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley." Edge intoned dramatically. "Nine months ago, you celebrated an extremely special birthday. No, no, no. Daddy didn't remember, as usual. Shane could've cared less. But there was one young stud on board who was more than willing to"give".

    "Let us hop into our totally awesome time machine, Edge, and step through the magical invisible portal that will allow us to partake in Stephanie's private, intimate birthday celebration." Christian's eyes gleamed. "Naturally, being a filthy, disgusting, dirty, brutal, nasty, bottom-feeding trash bag ho, she unwrapped her sparkling new ensign in the bedroom!"

    "Hey." Jericho frowned. "That's my line."

    "No." Stephanie's face paled. "Oh no...they wouldn't.....I mean, there's no way they could even have...."

    "Hmmm, let's not be so hasty, Christian." Edge scolded his younger brother. "Perhaps our enterprising Lieutenant, oh - my bad, former Lieutentant Hardy was merely there to scan Commander McMahon-Helmsley's mattress. It's no doubt seen so many species that it's worthy of scientific study."

    "True, true." Christian nodded. "And Jeffrey, being such an industrious young officer, wanted to investigate the substructure of her mattress to see if there was some technical secret to its durability."

    "Please Chrissie... just kill me now." Stephanie whispered, and at that moment her heart ached so much she thought it might break in two. Maybe she could eat her phaser or a wonderful wormhole would open up in the middle of the Smackdown and swallow her. This wasn't right. This was just plain sick. The "slut" chant transformed her eyes into sparkling pools of tears, her stomach twisting as she watched herself melt in the lustful embrace of the ship's biggest idiot. "This is a nightmare, right? I'm not a slut! We - we all had that virus that made our hormones crazy. I didn't know what I was doing!"

    "Neither did Jeff." Jericho shook his head in disbelief. "Damn, you weren't kidding when you said he was romantically challenged. You know, if his hands are really that clumsy, he should be nowhere near a warp core."

    "Go to hell." But she cried like a baby, her tears warm against the cool fabric of his civilian hockey jersey.  He couldn't push her away.

    "Hmmm, I suspect that looks very bad to the untrained eye." Jeff said innocently, slouching down in his chair. He felt his hair turning green, which was nice, since it would match his face.

    "I'm no expert in these matters..." Matt didn't crack a smile. "But I'd have to conclude that you and Commander Happy Pants are about to engage in a hot game of pillow tag."

    "You know what this looks like?" Lita asked evenly, while her finger ached to unholster the firearm at her side. "It looks like you lied to me. You said you never got past second base with Stephanie. It looks like you're rounding third and heading for home!"

    "That's it!" Jeff snapped, jumping to his feet. "I did not score with Stephanie! I haven't even scored with my own girlfriend! Got it, everyone? I have never scored with a woman in my whole entire life, and now I'll probably go without for all eternity! Satisfied?"

    Dead silence. Even Steven Richards, who'd been ready to seize the holoprojector, stood still as a statue.

    Christian cleared his throat. "That's an excellent question, my rainbowlicious friend. Obviously, Steph was not satisfied, although now that we've all seen you in action, it's clear why."

    "Never let it be said that Commander McMahon-Helmsley wouldn't do a Hardy for anything." Edge blushed. "Excuse me. I mean, that she wouldn't do anything for a Hardy. In this feature, we see she's decided to move on to big brother Matt, who conveniently forgot that he was dating Lita at the time."

    "You guys have to share everything, don't you?" Lita's eyes shot jade-green daggers at her slimy ex-boyfriend.

    "Ummm Steph, weren't you supposed to be helping your ex-husband Triple H pull off a daring mutiny at this time?" Christian frowned at her. "But here we find you once again climbing the Hardy family tree, kissing Matthew in Shuttlebay 8 when you're supposed to be killing him!"

    Hunter raised an eyebrow in her direction, smirking. God, what a slut. Why do I miss her so much anyway?

    Joe chuckled softly in the shadows. Perfect. Especially now that Boy Wonder had tucked himself into a dark corner of the Smackdown, eyes slipping between the screen and his sister with a flat, dangerous coldness burning in their depths.

    Shane took several deep breaths to steady himself. He should've been mad at Edge and Christian for humiliating his sister, but she'd done it to herself. No one had put a phaser to her head and forced her to make out with Jeff on the bed she was supposed to be sharing with Hunter. Stephanie hadn't even been ill when she'd locked lips with Matt.

    Note to self. The next time you attempt to murder the Hardy brothers, make it stick.

    Although if he was too busy disassembling Chris Jericho, Jeff and Matt might be granted a reprieve. Heck, Shane would rather enjoy forcing those dumbass Aerialians to perform that dirty job. How dare that titanium toad publicly console his baby sister! How dare some toy robot touch her and whisper comforting words in her ear!

    Note to self. Crush Jericho's career, effective immediately.

    "Holy heinosity batman!" Edge exclaimed, as the screen flickered. "Those are... ho's, but - but not a single one of them resembles Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!"

    "Whoa!" Christian exclaimed. "But that looks like Senor Sucktitude approaching, money in hand. Latino Heat is shopping for some late night pervosity!"

    "Eddie!" Chyna reeled back in shock. "What the hell is this? While the cat's away, the rat will play? You like trash Eddie? Is that what I am to you? Cheap, meaningless trash?"

    "No Mamacita!" Ensign Guerrero cried, dropping to his knees. "Please, please listen to me! Si, those are ladies of the night, mommy, and yes I had many credits in my hands, but I was not paying for those kinds of services! I was buying-!"

    "Oh my god, Eddie!" Tears splashed down Chyna's pretty face. "You disgust me! I don't want to know what you're trying to buy! I give you my forgiveness and you make a damn fool out of me! Take your stupid flowers back!" The thorns lashed at his skin in a blur of silken red petals.

    "Mommy, don't walk away!" Eddie wailed. "If you would only hear me out! If you walk out on me now, you take my heart, and I die! You're my whole life! Mamacita!"

    "Latino Heat." She spat the words at him, feeling something break inside her heart. It used to be they were so close that there was nothing between where she began and Eddie ended. Now the distance was as cold and infinite as the universe itself. "You wanna be hot stuff? Why don't you burn in hell forever?"

    "You dumb bastard!" A Texas-sized boot was buried in Eddie's gut as his neck twisted around like a good-old fashioned southern tornado.

    "Stunner! Stunner!" Jim Ross yelled from the back of the lounge.

    Tears sparkled in Chyna's big dark eyes as she fled, but somewhere in those sad depths also lay a glimmer of laughter......

    "Love totally sucks." Christian shook his head. "Especially unrequited love. I like to call this montage.... The Olympic Flame!"

    Stephanie wiped her eyes on her sleeve as the image of Kirk Angel in Foley's office blazed across the screen. The All-American wimp was obviously agitated, the cause becoming crystal clear.

    "I can't just make any old match that any old crew member wants, Kurt." Mick was saying apologetically. "My rulings are final. And by the way....my rulings rule! Have a nice day!"

    "Have a nice day?" Kurt was spluttering, his face red. "Perhaps you didn't hear me! I want Triple H's ass!"

    "Wait!" Edge held up a hand. "Perhaps none of us heard that either! Let us rewind."

    "I want Triple H's ass!"

    Christian smiled and nodded. "Dude, we better test the time travel abilities of our machine again. Let's go ten seconds into the past and review that footage!"

    "I want Triple H's ass!"

    "That is enough!" Angle cried from the back of the room. "That's not what I-"

    "The holocrystal is caught in a temporal loop!" Christian cried in mock alarm. "I can't stop it!"

    "I want Triple H's ass! I want Triple H's as-"

    "Bradshaw!" Hunter waved at the poker-playing, beer-swilling security lieutenant. "I want coded locks installed on my bedroom door now! Dammit Kurt, all this time I thought you were after my hot, sexy wife and now the ugly truth.... comes out! I always wondered why you had to brighten our quarters with flowers and always begged to fold my laundry. I'm gonna lose my lunch right now, swear to God!"

    "That ex of yours is alright, Princess." Jericho was grinning.

    "Oh well pardon me for trying to bring a little neatness and decorum to our quarters, Ensign Helmsley!" Kurt cried out indignantly. "We are Wrestlefleet officers and should have enough integrity not to live in filth! Stop it!" The crowd wasn't chanting slut anymore. "I am not a sissy!"

    "Take it easy, fellow ensign." Edge said pleasantly. "We don't care if you engage in pansyosity. You're so steeped in goldage that you totally reek of awesomeness."

    "But seriously dude." Christian frowned. "If you ever...like...try and sample our merchandise, we'll go medieval on your Olympic ass!"

    "Little buddy!"' Edge hissed. "Don't get him all excited!"

    "Would a pansy have Olympic gold medals?" Kurt demanded, holding his precious awards up for all to see.

    "That depends, Kirk." Jeff piped up, relieved that no one was staring at him anymore. "Are virginity, pansyosity, and being a sissy athletic events?"

    "You would dare call me a sissy?" Angle demanded, eyes flashing. "Look at you! You're wearing your girlfriend's shirt and pants!"

    "Perhaps." Jeff shrugged. "But there's still video of me playing kissy face with your hot little honey. The only thing you've starred in tonight is that classic epic, "I want Triple H's ass" and it's sequel, "I want Triple H's ass"

    "Would a sissy do this?" Stephanie squealed with shock and surprise as Angle yanked her out of her chair, fingers twined through her silky dark ringlets, lips bruising her mouth in a way that sent shivers of repulsion down her spine.  She froze, the instinct to fight paralyzed. Her breath came in startled gasps as Kurt was thrown to the floor with superhuman force.

    "Don't ever do that again, Angle." Jericho leaned over him, his voice a thin whisper of ice, menacing in its lethal calm. "I will cut your throat if you even so much as look at her the wrong way. I'll kill you in your sleep. Do we have an understanding?"

    Kurt blinked. He knew the android was mildly unstable, probably a glitch in his emotions program. But this...this was real. And it was scary. "Aye sir."

    "What did you say to him?" Stephanie was gulping down a cup of cold, clear water, desperate to wash down the horrible taste of Angle's kiss. "He looks like he's seen a ghost."

    Jericho could feel the synthetic blood drain from his face. Shane was watching them together, a nasty smile playing at his lips. "I told him that you and Jeff went all the way."

    "You bastard." Stephanie flung the water in his face.

    Shane's smile grew all the more wicked. He knew a cover-up when he saw it. You're good Jericho, but not that good.

COUNSELOR SNOW'S OFFICE

    "Stunning people at random will not yield the culprit or aid in his apprehension, Steven."

    Austin's fingers stabbed at his beer, jagged nails nearly tearing a hole through the cheap aluminum. He'd been called a lot of things in his rough, nasty life, but not that. Never that!

    "Maybe your twisted mind doesn't process English so well, son." The Rattlesnake wiped frothy foam from his lips. "Listen good, cause I'm only gonna lay the law down once, Stone Cold style. Until the dumb son of a bitch who shot me comes to face his judge, jury, and executioner like a man, I'm taking it out of everyone's ass. And that's the bottom line!"

    "I see." Snow tapped a few words into his padd. RCD-Repetitive Catchphrase Disorder. "Agreed H.E.A.D, Lt Commander Austin was sent to anger management therapy in the nick of time. We're lucky no crew members were murdered considering the levels of hostility and-"

    "Now wait just a damn minute!" Austin swaggered to his feet. "No quack in a dress is gonna tell me that I'm a psycho,  I don't care how many damn fancy words you use to pretty it up!"

    "Dress?" Al blinked. "Why excuse me, this is a kilt made from genuine Scottish wool. See, I've recently gotten in touch with my European roots and-"

    "Get in touch with this, ya silly bastard!" Given the proper respect in the form of a Stone Cold Salute, Snow was summarily kicked in the stomach and felled by a mind-numbing neckbreaker.

    Al's new personal assistant, a jobber secretary known simply as Michael Cole, shook his head.

    "That was a tremendous maneuver!"

THE SMACKDOWN

    "Gonna have to cut you off at the pass, honey." Trish's sincerity in refusing Commander Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley another hot Kanatian brandy was about as real as her surgically enhanced figure. "There's only so much hurling on the bar the other patrons can take."

    "Trish, you ignorant slut." Stephie slurred her insults, the delicate McMahon princess hiding inside her tough shell unable to handle the liquor. "I ain't quittin' until the heinous images of Hardly on me like white on rice are blotted out. I've been traumatized."

    "Anyone who has to watch Ensign Jeff fumble his way around a woman is bound to be scarred." Trish agreed in that honeyed voice. "I suppose it's worse for a cheap trollop like yourself who's use to quality passion."

    The commander's eyes darkened like storm clouds, tears falling lightly like a spring rain. "It's bad enough to be assaulted by Kirk Angel, but did you hear me on that video from hell....ohhhh Jeff that feels sooo good. You've got such amazing hands, Jeff. Oh god." She paled. "I'm gonna be sick again."

    Trish frowned. "So am I."

    "Don't you have some cowboy hat you need to stick your fat, bleached head into, Trishy?"

    "Pardon me." Trish haughtily pulled Stephanie's empty glass away. "I didn't realize we were holding a meeting of the Jeff Hardy fan club in here tonight. You two are pathetic."

    "I guess I must now face my dark and deadly fate." Commander McMahon-Helmsley was too sloshed to find the balance and coordination required to stand upright, so she was kissing carpet in two seconds flat. Lita sighed and helped her inebriated superior back to her seat. "What's it gonna be, Red? Twist of Fate? Moonsault? Just make it quick."

    "I'm not gonna kick your ass, Steph." The Aerialian ensign gestured at X-Pac to bring her a synthehol and some Houdinian coffee for the drunken McMahon. "Well I'm not being completely honest. I was gonna tear you up, but Jeff tossing his cookies all night convinced me that neither of you are proud of your actions"

    "I made him throw up?" Stephanie smiled weakly.

    "Jeff was disturbed." Lita explained. "You don't personally turn his stomach or anything but... he does love you like a sister and that was sickening to watch, total heinosity to remember. I guess I needed to see him puke to realize I've been acting like a jealous jerk."

    "What are you trying to say?"

    "Are you deaf?" Lita scowled. "That was an apology. I suggest you accept it."

    "Oh." Hmmm, must have learned that brand of apology from her new hero Shane. "Alrighty then. You better marry the poor idiot now. I'll feel like I've ruined everything if you don't."

    The redhead flashed a radiant blue gem at Steph; it looked like an icy sapphire gone supernova on a band of gold. Lita was sooo lucky...what did the men in her life ever give the Princess besides heartache and regret? "How could I say no to a man who proposes while losing his supper on my shoes?"

    Stephanie giggled. "You and Jeff will never be Romeo and Juliet, that's for sure."

    Lita rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding? He's such an idiot, he'd survive our star-crossed love affair and I'd be alone in offing myself for passion."

    "Did I hear someone mention Shakespeare?" Etiquette cadet William Regal smiled and straightened his bow tie, his tea cooling as he eavesdropped.

    "Excuse me ladies." Lt Commander Austin stuck a steel toe in Regal's ribcage, spun his neck around, grabbed a mug of beer, and strolled to a dark corner to sip his brew.

    "Anyways..." Lita nudged the Brit's crumpled form with a foot. William groaned, so no need to alert Sickbay. "I uhhhh don't have many girlfriends aboard the ship, sooo...that's made the search for a maid of honor mission impossible."

    "Ahhh." Stephanie bit down on her lip. She didn't have many girlfriends either, but for different reasons. Lita was just an adult tomboy and intimidated the more feminine crew. Steph happened to be a catty witch who offended crew of both genders. "What does this silly little maid of honor thing involve?"

    "It's very simple." Lita said casually. They were never going to be warm, ooey-gooey, sisterly, huggy, touchy feely friends with their emotions pouring out like a flood, were they?  No bonding over chick flicks and designer coffee for them. "Wear a fancy dress, smile like all that romantic drivel makes you warm and fuzzy inside, and poke Jeff with a cattle prod when he gets that idiotic gleam in his eye. If that moron ruins my big day, he's dead meat."

    Stephanie nodded. "I can do that. High or low voltage?"

    "High." Lita polished off her synthehol. "Little bugger is very resistant to pain."

    "Considering the amount of torture you'll be enduring on your honeymoon, I sincerely hope you are too." Stephanie squeezed her eyes shut - the blinding pain of a classic hangover headache was creeping up on her brain. "Scariest thing about Jeff is that he genuinely believes he's a great kisser."

    "I caught him practicing on his pillow once." Lita whispered with a devilish smile. "Begged me not to tell you or Matt."

    "I'll inform Matt immediately." Stephanie managed to smile herself, despite the sparks of agony flaring behind her eyes. "Oh god... my shift in Engineering! That titanium toad will have my backside in a sling if I breeze into work stoked on liquor." The oval mirror behind the bar mocked her cruelly, glistening with the image of a drowned rat instead of a dignified commander. "Congratulations on bagging yourself an idiot."

    "Thanks." Lita smiled. Steph'd be alright. Jericho would forgive all her sins, even though he was blind to the soft spot in his mechanical heart. "Oh two things before you hit the warp core, Commander. One, Jericho will be Jeff's best man. Two, there's a tiny technicality that could prevent you from being my maid of honor and that's having a creepy Olympic stalker escort you to the ceremony."

    "Understood." Stephanie exhaled, happy not to bear that cross anymore. She could say no, but it was nice having a legit excuse to lay on the freakazoid.

    Freakazoid? Note to self... stop hanging out with Shane's loser friends so much!

THE BRIG

    "Well, well, well." Jeff grinned. "Who's the jack-ass now?"

    "Ummmm." Edge carefully holstered his diamond alloy, shatterproof mirror. The glare from the silvery-blue force field deflected light at an unflattering angle anyway, dulling the natural luster of his hair. "Taking into consideration the sheer and overwhelming heinosity of that ridiculous headband..." He smiled. "Well I guess that would still be you, Jeffrey."

    "Chill out, dude." Christian patted his brother on the shoulder. "Perhaps this is young Hardly's Halloween costume. He's dressed as the pinnacle of dorktitude!"

    "Dorktitude to the max!" Edge high-fived his little buddy.

    "And being in the brig totally rules, I suppose?" Matt shook his head in disbelief. "McMahon has charged you both with insubordination, invasion of privacy, spying... by the time you get out of here your perfect skin will be dried up like a raisin and your pretty hair will be gray."

    Edge and Christian gasped. "How dare you!"

    "Vinnie Mac is so totally down with us." Christian said defensively. "Once he gets that stick out of his you know what and takes a chill pill he'll set us free. What kind of square gets uppity over tonsil hockey highlights where his daughter scores a hat trick?"

    "That was sooo not coolosity guys." Jeff sighed. "Unfortunately, the sucktitude has come back to bite you on the ass. See, Lita didn't ditch me. We're engaged now."

    "You're marrying a chick?" Edge cursed under his breath. "I guess I owe you five credits, little buddy."

    "So Lita's wearing your ring now?" Christian asked pleasantly.

    "That's right."

    "Why didn't you just buy her a leash instead?" Edge asked with a smile. "No offense, my chairalicious friend, but....woof! I mean a face like that could reverse the orbit of the entire Resian Galaxy."

    "And dude, underwear is so totally meant to be worn under your pants...hello?" Christian shook his head. "I don't mind her kicking my ass for you sissies during matches, but should I have to look at the full moon while she's doing it?"

    "Repeat after me guys." Edge said solemnly. "Thongs are wrong."

    "Jeff!" Matt held the squirming hyper brat back by the scruff of his neck. "Letting these jerks get under your skin is a good way to get zapped by the pretty blue forcefield, 'kay? Now get out of here before I sic Nurse Saturn on you with a long-range tranquilizer dart gun again."

    "I couldn't sit down without a cushion for two weeks." Jeff whined. "And I'm not done taunting them yet. I want to poke them with a stick and mess up their hair."

    "You can feed the animals later, junior." Matt tousled his hair and then gave kid brother a hard shove out the door. "Okay you nitwits. What the hell do you want?"

    "Listen and listen good you redneck computer freak." Christian glared at him. The laid back valley boy facade faded into thin air. "This is how it's gonna be. You will hack the lock on this cell and weaken the force field so we can escape during the shift change. Do it. Now."

    "Let me think about that." Matt laughed. "Uhhh....no."

    "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Hardly." Edge smiled coldly. "That footage of you playing kissy face with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is only scraping the surface of sucktitude. See this?" He moved his black coat ever so slightly to reveal a flash of bright, glowing pink. "That's right, Matthew. A holocrystal."

    "Blackmail?" Matt raised an eyebrow. "What could you possibly-"

    "Garden Deck, three weeks ago." Christian's tone grew nostalgic. "A troubled, heartbroken Matt Hardly....a miserable, confused Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. Drawn together by the flames of unrequited love."

    Matt shrugged. "Great, you morons. That steamy platonic conversation will so totally scandalize the Smackdown crowd! Say, which one of you is using the brain today?"

    "Would we be this arrogant if we weren't absolutely certain you were now our own personal bitch, Matthew?" Edge demanded. "You know, your confessions of love for that Aerialian tart Lita are so beyond pathetic and disgusting that I almost hurled watching this! Grow up and get bent, Hardly!"

    "You wouldn't."

    "Who in the heck do you think you're talking to, Matty?" Christian sneered. "A couple of saints? If we're not out of here in four freakin' hours, Jeff and Lita will get their own personal copies of the twisted soap opera that is your life."

    "Little buddy, how do you think Vinnie Mac would react to Stephanie's wrenching emotional conflict over that android?"

    "Well Edgester, I suspect the backlash might be quite violent. Something about a pretty girl loving a computer makes me personally want to toss my cookies."

    "Ensigns Buh Buh and Devon will relieve Lieutenant Bradshaw and Ensign Chyna in two hours and forty-five minutes." Matt said quietly. He felt like backbiting slime, but deceiving his brother and selling out Stephanie seemed so much worse. . . "Just to be safe, I'll rig a major malfunction in the security mainframe, a virus or something. It won't actually hurt anything, but it'll look like a disaster."

    Edge and Christian smirked. Didn't the Hardyz realize the score would always be in the Cocky Kanatians favor?

    "You'll have thirty seconds to slip through the weakened field." Matt went on. "After time expires, you'll fry."

    "You don't want that to happen, Matty. Guess what we leave Jeff and Lita in our wills?"

    "Excuse me, has anyone seen Ensign Helmsley?" Angle was glancing about nervously.

    "No, we haven't seen your girlfriend, Kirk." Christian snickered cruelly. "Matt's free though."

    "Shut up." Matt didn't need this. Extortion was bad enough. "My, my, Angle, why does it not surprise me that you're now suddenly drawn to the men's prison wing?"

    Angle bit down a nasty reply as Matt wandered off. They'd all pay, every last one of those mocking, sarcastic, evil, vicious, rotten, immature...... He took a deep breath, knowing he had to keep his intensity in check.

    "Is that a tear rolling down your face, you Olympic jack-ass?" Austin demanded. "Crying like a little girl?"

    Kurt blinked. It's true, it's true. You don't hear the Rattlesnake coming until it's ready to bite you on the a- no I don't really want to go there. "Er...good evening Lt Commander Austin. I think I may have dust or a lash in my eye that Dr. Piro needs to look at and-"

    "Oh yeah, I see something in your eye, son." Stone Cold smiled, treating the Olympic ribs to a vicious kick while using Angle's prized golden discs to wrench his neck 180 degrees. "And it sure as hell ain't mercy! Now pick your crying ass up, go get a Kleenex, and blow it out your-"

    "Pansyosity rules!" Edge and Christian high-fived each other. "That was totally stunnerlicious!"

DECK 38-INFORMATION AND LINGUISTICS

    Cold steel melted and wires liquified into gleaming toxic puddles beneath the blue fire of a plasma torch. Holocams worth their precious weight in gold dying for such a noble cause....

    Pink crystals became rivers of memory, terrible secrets vaporized for all eternity. Oh but the damage had been done, fiery emotions in the darkest hearts stoked into raging infernos of hate.....

    Ahhhh Commander Shane McMahon had to be the best. Granted, he resented Matt, Jeff, and Jericho, but surely the little slideshow had whipped his sick, evil mind into a frenzy of murderous fury? Joe wondered which one would take the bullet first.

    Kirk Angel....well, maybe he'd get the therapy he so desperately needed - creepy predator that he was. Then again, maybe that insanely jealous Y2J Unit would give the Olympic twit the kind of shock treatment only a disruptor could provide....

    Speaking of which....Joe grinned maliciously as he spun the dials on the sophisticated, high-encryption cyberlocks that sealed the sleek black case on his desk. The titanium hinges whispered nothing but silence as the cover popped and the glittering barrel of an illegally modified Nytron disruptor winked at him.

    He chuckled softly in the dark. Anything for a laugh.....