SEASON EIGHT
EPISODE 1: THE SHIP THAT TIME FORGOT
SEASON EIGHT
EPISODE 1: THE SHIP THAT TIME FORGOT
SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE WWF TITANPRIZE. IT'S MISSION: TO EXPLORE AND ENTERTAIN NEW SOCIETIES AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS. TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WRESTLER HAS GONE BEFORE!
TITANPRIZE CREW:
Captain Vince McMahon
First Officer, Commander
Shane McMahon
Chief Engineer,
Commander Stephanie McMahon
Chief of Chiefs,
Commander Linda McMahon
Chief of Security,
Commander Kane
Chief Medical Officer,
Dr. Taker
Diagnostics Officer,
Lieutenant Commander Jericho
Tactical Officer,
Lieutenant Commander Austin
Transporter Chief,
Lieutenant Commander Debra McMichael
Communications Officer,
Lieutenant Rock
Counselor Al Snow
(assisted by H.E.A.D.)
... And many more!
WWF TITANPRIZE-CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM
"Chief of Engineers Log, Stardate 080200.00. This is Commander Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. It seems he Titanprize is adrift in an unknown quadrant of space. Planet Earth is several centuries from our current location. My ship must travel billions of light years to arrive at the border of any known Federation galaxy, if any exist at the time of our return. I will not be alive to see that day, nor will any crew member presently aboard the Titanprize."
Stephanie felt like a wilted flower, starved of light. She could barely hold her head up, the tears that splashed on Daddy's marble desk miraculous in their existence, as she felt she had no more left to give.
I miss my Mommy! The little girl inside her was screaming.
All that's left now is to speak to the future, Stephie. Her father's voice has been tired but unwavering with its resolve. I've failed the crew. I allowed myself to be captured. I allowed this.
"A wormhole was opened in the heart of the Milky Way after Nytron criminal Vincent Russo detonated an unstable quantum explosive inside the inactive black hole that resides there. Russo is now rotting in the brig. Long-range scans and sensors indicate that the wormhole has disappeared forever."
This was the only home they had left. A cold, hollow titanium bird winging its way aimlessly through mysterious stars and nebulae, no longer tethered to its nest.
Dr. Piro shouldn't have bothered poisoning her heart.
It would've broken on its own eventually.
***
THE SMACKDOWN
Terri sighed. She was lonely, crabby, tired, and most importantly, bored out of her pretty little head. She missed the fizz of synthehol bottle being popped open, the drunken laughter of Lieutenants Bradshaw and Farooq as they gave their boots a workout on Ensigns Edge and Christian's sorry behinds.
"You sure do know how to rain on a good parade, Vinnie Mac." she murmured to herself.
His speech to the troops wouldn't have been mistaken for a pep rally, that was for sure. The Captain would do everything in his power to get the Titanprize home yet they shouldn't cling to false hopes. The crew still manned a ship of exploration and had a duty to tend to the danger and discovery that waited for them out there.
Wherever out there was.
Future generations aboard the Titanprize would share the research with Wrestlefleet, not these men and women. Hard to get whipped into a frenzy over scientific advancements with that hanging over your head...
***
"Make-up making out rules!" Jeff high-fived Matt, not about to let a little detail like being lost in space crush his spirit. Hey, if death wasn't able to slow him down....
"Number one - stop quoting the surfer boy sissies." Lita was pulling on the back of his blue and purple hair. Hard. "Number two - keep bragging and the only things your lips will touch tonight is the business end of my phaser."
Jeff winked at his older brother. "Foreplay."
Lita smacked him. "Is everything a joke to you?"
"I'd like it to be." He rubbed the new bruise on his arm. "But you and Matt keep slapping me around."
Matt smiled weakly. What turned his stomach more? His kid brother flirting with his ex-girlfriend or the sight of his commander sipping Olympian cocktails with the American Zero Kurt Angle? "Poor Steph. That toad is more boring than watching Ensign Blackman watch paint dry."
"Jealous." Jeff nudged his girlfriend. "He's seen what's up her shirt and now he can't get enough."
"Oh yeah - I'm so hot for Steph." Matt said acidly. "Because I so want the crap kicked out of me by Hunter."
"He wouldn't even care if you took her on the bar in front of the whole ship." Lita didn't mince words. "You know I've actually fallen asleep during one of Kurt's self-worshipping epics. He didn't even notice."
"Maybe Steph's asleep too." Jeff lowered his voice. "Secretly, she's genetically related to Aerialian vampire bats who are able to hibernate with their eyes open and Kurt doesn't realize she's actually dreaming about Jericho on a beach somewhere."
"Secretly." Matt leaned across the table and whispered. "You're an idiot."
"I don't get the joke."
"There isn't one." Matt said with a smirk.
"Alright kids." Lita patted them both on the head. "I'm going to say hello to Commander McMahon now, see how his wounds are healing. Try not to kill each other in the next five minutes."
"Try not to give him a tonsil probe while you're over there."
"Shane saved my life." Lita's eyes threw daggers. "Deal with it."
"Deal with it?" Jeff mocked her snide tone as she blew off in a flash of fire-red hair. "Hah! It's not like she ever caught Stephanie smooching on me after I heroically snatched her from the jaws of death!"
"Ummmm...." Matt sighed. "An entire planet almost got destroyed cause you and the Commander couldn't keep your hands off each other long enough to save it."
"Right." Jeff bit down on his lip. "Say Matt, you ever hear of something called "selective amnesia?"
"Take a look at this." Matt threw a padd at his brother.
Jeff's eyes clouded over. "Does Dr. Taker know you have this information?"
"No." Matt replied calmly. "And I'd thank you to come down with a case of selective amnesia if he asks."
"Well this isn't so bad." Jeff shrugged. "I mean, this is actually good. The passcodes to that little gizmo in Stephanie's chest aren't valid anymore. So she's cool."
"She's not cool." Matt said scornfully, snatching the padd back. "You can't take that thing out of her without killing her."
"Don't bite my head off, Matt." Jeff frowned. And to think at one time they called him the moody one? "Can't she just co-exist with it?"
"Yes. She's got fifteen years to live."
"Fifteen?" The younger Hardy blinked. "Is it that unstable?"
"I had to pretend my tri-corder couldn't scan it." Matt's tone was as bleak as the empty space around them. "But it's got structural anamolies at the sub-atomic level. They'll worsen over time and eventually the device will suffer a major malfunction. She'll die."
"We could show this to Jericho-"
"No." Matt shook his head. "I promised he would never learn the first thing about this."
"I see." Jeff thought for a minute. "You know, you promised Chris you wouldn't tell Stephanie about his feelings for her. Now you're keeping secrets from him for Stephanie." He poked an accusatory finger at Matt's chest. "I'm starting to think it's your fault they're not together."
"Someone has to tell Steph." Matt stared hard at his brother.
"Oooohhhh no." Jeff shook his rainbow head vigorously. "No way am I doing that. Dammit Matt, I'm her guardian angel. She'll expect me to save her."
"She likes you more." Matt protested.
"I have a better idea." Lita was walking in their direction.
Matt smiled and high-fived his brother. "Having a girlfriend to do your dirty work rules!"
At a table nearby, Edge and Christian pouted.
"They are sooo gonna pay for mocking us." Edge declared.
Christian nodded. "Totally."
***
COMMANDER MCMAHON-HELMSLEY'S QUARTERS
"Well, well, well my blushing bride from hell." Hunter was rifling through Stephanie's dresser drawers, looking for anything that belonged to him. The open pack on the bed stated his intentions very clearly.
Killing Steph... it just wasn't working out. Now that the Titanprize was in uncharted territory surrounded by bizarre species and phenomena, Hunter would thrive. He was a rebel, adept at fighting and surviving under conditions scarier than this. It was time to be a good soldier, rebuild his disgraced career in the middle of nowhere and rise from the ashes.
Mucking around in a worthless marriage was too distracting. Ignoring Stephanie, leaving his side of the bed cold, out and out treating her like so much garbage...
She just couldn't read the writing on the wall, could she?
"What the hell is this, honey?" He removed a gleaming sliver of metal from her nightstand, watched curiously as it caught the light.
It was awfully handy being married to the Chief of Engineers, Hunter thought with a grim smile as he slid the delicate, complex wafer of silicon into the diagnostics tray of Steph's modified tri-corder. Silly girl was always leaving things lying around, thinking he didn't notice...equipment, charming little birthday gifts from her android lover....
He punched in a request for specifications.
"You slut." Jericho's emotion chip? "You want him to have feelings, Steph? You want that - that toy robot to feel something for you?"
She'd left a lazer scalpel in plain sight too. "I got news for you, sweetheart. Jericho will never feel anything again!"
***
THE SMACKDOWN - the next day
Captain McMahon stood on the podium and looked out at his crew. The bar had been filled with folding chairs for this very special meeting, and his crewmembers had been ordered to attend. "Due to our current situation, and the influx of waitresses in the Smackdown," he looked at the Nytron girls now wearing aprons and waiting tables, "My first point of business is to grant Chyna the rank of Ensign, due to her brave actions in freeing my daughter from the holodeck, and the gut instincts we should have listened to regarding Kimberly. She will make a great addition to the security team!"
Chyna stepped forward, smiling in her WrestleFleet security uniform as McMahon pinned an Ensign star to her collar. The crew applauded.
"Next order of business," McMahon continued, "... is a new position we've opened up. Since our journey will be long and tedious, I have assigned a morale commissioner!"
Crewman Foley, who hadn't been seen for a while, stepped forward, "I just want to say I'm going to LOVE being your morale commissioner here aboard the WWF Titanprize!"
The crew cheered at the mention of the ship's name. Foley smiled and gave them a thumbs up. He then stepped back again.
"And last but not least, we're cutting down on replicator use due to energy constraints, and we are going to start making home cooked meals!" McMahon explained, "I'd like to introduce you to the man who volunteered to make your meals, good ol' JR!"
JR stepped forward, and the crew applauded. He bowed and spoke, "Let me just tell you... once you've tasted good ol' JR's Bar-B-Que sauce, you'll never want any other kind!"
McMahon grew serious, "Now as you know, Russo and Kimberly are currently in the brig. But I ask that you accept the other Nytrons as part of the crew, and allow them to fully prove their abilities to you!" he looked at the back of the bar where the Nytrons sat in their civilian WrestleFleet uniforms, "We will need their help if we want to get home safely!" he said, then smiled, "Ok! Everyone's dismissed. Back to work!"
The crew got up, and returned to duty.
***
McMAHON-HELMSLEY QUARTERS - later
"What are you doing?" Stephanie's eyes were wide with panic as she watched her husband throw clothes into his pack. She felt like someone was cutting off her air, the terror of being abandoned strangling her as nicely as a pair of hands around her throat.
"You're not blind." Hunter's blonde head was stuck inside their closet as he scraped it dry. "And you're not stupid."
"But...but why?" She was frozen. Maybe Steph was only watching a movie of the man she loved turning his back on everything. Yet the pain in her chest felt so real...."Hunter, Matt and I weren't doing anything, I swear it. What you saw in Engineering was completely innocent!"
"Oh yeah." Hunter rolled his eyes. "The thing with Matt was innocent, the thing with Jeff wasn't your fault, the thing with Jericho doesn't even exist! I am so sick of you being so devoted to my face and then whoring around behind my back! I am the Game, not a damn fool!"
"You think I'm a whore?" No. That was it. She slapped him so hard he actually staggered backwards into the bedpost. "Ever check the pedigree of that flea-bitten dog you squire around the ship, tiger?"
"Trish?" Hunter sneered at her. "She just looks skanky. You bring skanky to life."
"God Hunter!" Stephanie's heart was racing a mile a minute. The crueler he was, the more she wanted him to stay. What was wrong with her? "I'm not letting you leave until you look me in the eye and tell me you believe I never cheated on you!"
Hunter went rigid. "Get your damn hand off my arm."
"I only acted like a tramp so you'd notice me!" Stephanie didn't care how pathetic she sounded anymore. "Nothing ever happened!"
"Liar!" Hunter was consumed with fury; a thousand of his bride's betrayals ignited in his heart by her oh so innocent denial. He flung her away, mouth twisting into an evil smile as her head snapped back against a bookshelf. "You won't stand in my way, Steph."
"Where the hell do you think you're gonna stay?" Stephanie managed a woozy smirk. She could taste blood. "All the ensigns have had to double up since Daddy turned some quarters into extra jail space."
"I'll be staying with Ensign Angle." Hunter said gruffly, zipping up his suitcase. He ignored the twinge of guilt he felt watching Steph rub the back of her neck, knowing he could've broken it.
"Angle?" Stephanie laughed out loud. "Oh you'll be happy hon. Kurt Cute has some fine quarters."
"Give me a break." Hunter shrugged the pack over one broad shoulder and signaled the door to open. This was it. "Angle's got too much integrity to let the ship's slut steal his innocence, and last I heard, he was still proclaiming himself King of the Virgins like it was some damn badge of honor. That to me says you haven't gotten your claws into him yet."
"That's because Kurt treats me like a lady." Stephanie said proudly.
"Well I hope you and your Olympic twit have a great life together." Hunter shot back. "It's true, it's true!"
Stephanie gasped. "How dare you!"
"I'm not even out the door and you've got a hot date all lined up." Hunter shook his head in disbelief as his wife's newest plaything Matt Hardy strolled purposefully down the corridor. "Big evening planned, Ensign?"
"Oh man." Matt groaned. "Look, just come on out here and kick my ass and get it over with. I'm tired of waiting."
The Games snickered. Finally, an officer who knew enough to be intimidated. "She's all yours, kid. Don't blame me when she tears your life up."
"What did you tell him?" Matt demanded.
"Forget Hunter." Stephanie glared at her husband's back til it disappeared around a corner. "You want something Matt, cause I am really not in the mood."
Ensign Hardy stared at the cut on her lip and the bracelet of black and blue decorating her wrist. He really needed to mind to his own business, but...."We need to talk. In the Holodeck. Now."
***
HOLODECK-9
"This is hopeless."
"Oh excuse the heck out of me, Hardly!" Stephanie snapped, trying to preserve what little dignity she had left as she brushed invisible dust from her warm-up pants and tugged her unkempt ponytail tight. If she landed on her ass one more time....."You don't have to be so rough with me!"
"Oh well why don't you just come over here and I'll give you a little hug?" Matt taunted her. It wasn't like he wanted to get nasty with her, but Stephanie had damn well been coddled enough. "That'll teach you how to defend yourself!"
Stephanie swallowed her tears, not wanting to be humiliated. "Daddy would throw you in the brig if he knew you were teaching me how to fight. He wouldn't even allow me to join Kane's classes."
"You're a Wrestlefleet Officer." Matt shook his head in disgust. "How could he not let you learn hand to hand combat?"
Stephanie shrugged. "You know how Vince McMahon is. Arrogant enough to think he could protect his little girl 24 hours a day. Hey!" She brightened. "Teach me one of those cool Aerialian moves you and Jeff always do."
Matt sighed. She could barely handle a simple dropkick. "Alright. Just one though and then we get back to basics. This is one I perfected on my brother when we were growing up on Aerialia. You lock your opponents head underneath your arm like this, and then you twist their neck around like I'm gonna do to you."
"Ow! What if you break my neck?"
"Steph." Matt counted to ten under his breath. "Your enemy is gonna eat you alive if you spend all your time screaming like a little girl."
"Sorry. But still, this whole neck-twisting thing doesn't seem too safe."
"If your neck breaks, then I guess you die." Matt was almost ready to cry. He was starting to understand Jericho's whole attitude towards the spoiled princess. "This'll sting."
"How much-OW!" Stephanie was writhing on the floor, trying to massage the sharp jolting pain that danced down her neck. "You did that to your own flesh and blood?"
"Heck yes." Matt grinned as she staggered to her feet, still shaking off the move. "You don't think Jeff's being a pain in my backside is a recent development do you?"
"Maybe he's the way he is cause you kept doing that to him." Stephanie muttered, leaning against the wall for a minute to catch her breath. "Can I twist your neck around now?"
"In a minute." Matt toyed with his water bottle, weighing the odds of Steph actually snapping his spine with that move. Her coordination left something to be desired. "Actually Commander... I need to talk to you about something."
"Okay." She was better at talking than fighting anyway.
"Lita was gonna tell you this..." Matt's voice trailed off for a moment. "But I'm the one who lied to you about my tri-corder readings in Engineering the night Jeff and I escaped from stasis. That thing in your chest-"
"My new cardiac accessory?" Stephanie smiled darkly. "Come on Matt. I'm not a fool. There's a little computer hardwired to my heart for pete's sake. I know that can't be good for me."
"Dr. Taker can't remove it."
"I know." Stephanie looked down at her feet. "I thought about telling Hunter, thinking maybe he'd feel bad and want to take care of me. You know, he'd stay and turn what little time I had left into the whirlwind romance I'd always dreamed of. Pretty pathetic huh?"
"I'll tell him we slept together before I let you go back to that creep."
Stephanie laughed. "I get a big kick out of you and Jeff. You're both so noble, but not in a stupid way like Ensign Angle."
Matt wasn't smiling.
She took a deep breath. "How long?"
"Fifteen years at the most."
"I see." Stephanie closed her eyes. Her life suddenly seemed so small compared to the time it would take to get home. A mere blink of an eye, a whisper at most. Meaningless. She'd be a faded memory before the Titanprize made it halfway to earth. "So...can I twist your neck around now?"
"I'm sorry Commander."
Matt gathered her into his arms, holding her while she pretended not to cry. Even while her tears soaked through the fabric of his uniform, it was still difficult to accept that Steph could be so weepy or fragile.
"I'll live." Stephanie was so ashamed of the way she clung to him like a scared child. She was a McMahon dammit - death should've been scared of her! "For fifteen years anyway."
"You two lovebirds are sooo sweet!" Trish was beaming at them. "The way you can't enough of each other is just darling!"
"Why me?" Matt sighed. "Does this look like Makeout Point, Trish? I'm teaching Stephanie how to fight."
"What a coincidence." Trish smiled. "Hunter's meeting me here so we can go over some holds." The sweetness and light disappeared "Five minutes cupcake and then this holodeck is mine! I sooo want to get my money's worth."
"I'm not your cupcake." Matt retorted. He couldn't wait for the day Stephanie tried out some of her new moves on this blonde witch. Somehow he suspected Hunter wasn't teaching Trishy anything too technical.
"Tell Hunter we said hello." Stephanie's voice was iced sugar as she brushed past the catty little waitress.
Life was suddenly too short to waste on trash like her.....
***
ENGINEERING
"It has been 4 days, 23 hours, 6 minutes, and 37 seconds since I last saw Commander McMahon-Helmsley." Jericho frowned. "Has anything happened to her?"
Jeff and Lita exchanged glances. Cute!
"Uhhh...well....." Ensign Hardy thought for a moment. "Stephanie's been kinda busy. She and Matt are in love."
"Jeff!" Lita hissed. She couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw Jericho flinch. No. Impossible. That would involve feeling something - love, jealousy, anything, and he wasn't capable of that right now. "Stephanie is finishing up with some sick leave, sir."
"I see." Chris nodded. "Has her health been adversely affected by the trip through the wormhole?"
"You could say that." Lita shot Jeff a very familiar "You better shut-up or I'll never kiss you again" look.
"Ensign Lita. Ensign Hardy." Stephanie nodded in greeting. "You're excused from Engineering until further notice."
"Am I in trouble?" Jeff asked. "And if so, how did you find out?"
"You're not in trouble Jeff." Stephanie sighed. "I just want to be alone with Chris, okay?"
"Alrighty." He winked at her as he escorted Lita into the turbolift. "Just don't break my brother's heart, girl."
"Sometimes I'd like to break that one's legs." Commander McMahon-Helmsley muttered. "Are you busy?"
Jericho was running high-level diagnostics on the warp core, his vibrant blue eyes reflecting the glowing sapphire plasma in a way that took that Stephanie's breath away. "I am trying to increase warp speed in a manner that would make our arrival in Federation space more timely. It's crucial to calibrate the energy flow exactly so that the stress on the engines does not lead to a fatal event and-"
"I have something for you." Stephanie gently took his hand away from the computer. "If you want it."
Jericho blinked. Something silver flashed against the delicate white skin of her hand. "A model of my emotion chip."
"It is your emotion chip, Chris." Stephanie assured him. "Not the original one of course, Kimmie destroyed that. Matt and I spent hours making this for you."
"Was it such close proximity to Matt over such a long period of time that encouraged your romantic feelings towards him?"
"Chris!" Stephanie laughed. "I am NOT in love with Matt Hardy!"
"My apologies, Commander." Was Jericho actually smiling? "My assumptions were obviously based on false data."
"Otherwise known as Jeff's big mouth." Stephanie agreed. "Pop your fingernail for me?"
"With all due respect, Commander-" He hesitated. Logically, his next statement would hurt her. Illogically, he was reluctant to make it, despite the necessity of saying something here. "With all due respect, you and Matt Hardy could not possibly recreate in a few hours what the brilliant scientific minds at Irvine, Inc took years to build. Your emotion chip must be deeply flawed."
Stephanie felt like she'd been slapped in the face. "Fine. You know...Hunter doesn't want me as a wife, you don't want my freaking emotion chip, Kurt doesn't want to listen to me talk...fine. I'm starting to think dating Matt is a good idea!"
Chris resisted the sudden urge to ask about Stephanie's marriage. Androids simply didn't care about human relationships enough for him to want to know.
"Commander, I simply meant that your emotion chip has very little chance of success."
"I'm a brilliant engineer! Of course it'll work!"
"There's no harm in trying it." Jericho figured rationally that humoring Princess would somehow soothe her anger . "Proceed."
Oh it would be sooo wonderful when that horrible 'bot talk just went away! When Chris came back, smart mouth, nasty insults, and all! "Well...it's in. Do you feel anything?"
Jericho waited. It doesn't matter if I wait forever and a day. I'm never going to feel again.
"Chris?"
He ran a lightning-quick self-diagnostic. The chip might have been sufficient, had it not been sabotaged with a sharp object. The Y2J Unit was no detective by any means, but he had a pretty good idea who the prime suspect was! "Commander...." He was going to tell her it didn't work... he was, but...
Stephanie's brown eyes were luminous with hope.
Telling her that the chip was a failure would upset her... and for some reason, he didn't want to do that. He opened his mouth to speak, and paused. It couldn't hurt to pretend for a little while. Maybe Stephanie wouldn't even notice...
Jericho reached back into his memory banks, trying to come up with an appropriate reply/insult... and found it. "Well." He smirked, "You actually did something right and you weren't even lying on your back! Congratulations Slutephanie!"
"Hah!" She was equally smug. "I told you I could!"
"So Hunter dropped you like hot rock huh?" Chris was sneering at her. "How many times did he have to catch you under an ensign to make him snap?"
Stephanie's eyes flashed. "You made your point, Chrissie!"
"Oh I have a lot of points saved up, sweetie." Jericho assured her. "Now that you've been with both Hardyz, which one do you rate higher on agility? Matt or Jeff?"
Stephanie's mouth fell open. "Hey guess what I just remembered? I HATE YOU!"
"You should've just asked." He gave her his most insufferable smile. "I could've reminded you."
"I'm going skiing in the Holodeck with Ensign Angle." Stephanie informed him coldly. She was tempted to tear that emotion chip out of him. "I recommend you go to hell!"
Angle? Jericho shook his head as she flitted off in a fit of rage.
What would Stephanie say if she knew that while she was smoldering with fury, he was merely reciting insults from his memory banks?
Her hate was so passionate... and his was completely fake.