SEASON SIX
EPISODE 3: HAUNTED SHIP
By:
X_C
SEASON SIX
EPISODE 3: HAUNTED SHIP
By:
X_CSPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE WWF TITANPRIZE. IT'S MISSION: TO EXPLORE AND ENTERTAIN NEW SOCIETIES AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS. TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WRESTLER HAS GONE BEFORE!
TITANPRIZE CREW:
Captain Vincent K. McMahon
... And many more!
WWF TITANPRIZE-CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM
"Genetic Jackhammer's Log, Stardate..awww what's time when you're feeling the feverish bliss of rekindled romance? I could tell stories about Linda and I that would make a ladies man like Ensign Malenko blush, but I don't wanna burn out the data chips in my computer....
While we're on the subject of the McMahon family's grapefruits, let's talk about sweet little Stephanie, who recovered from total paralysis just a few weeks ago. She's taking bumps like big brother Shane, and Daddy is so proud. I wish I could have been by her side the day of the operation, but Linda and I did have that island paradise reserved months in advance and I'm certain Hunter was holding her hand all the way."
Captain McMahon shot a glance at the padd that Lt Commander Jericho had left on his desk. Being an android, Chris rarely made irrational leaps of logic, but some of the things he was suggesting about Hunter...impossible. Vince would know if his daughter was in danger. Heck, Steph was a McMahon - she'd know. He pushed the padd away dismissively.
"The TitanPrize has received a distress call from the surface of Waltman-10, a stormy Federation moon at the edge of the Syxian Galaxy. It's been decades since the last mission to this lunar world, and the signal is very weak. Chances are good that there are zero survivors and plenty of wreckage. An away team led by my little darling will perform search and salvage."
The Captain closed his log book. Waltman-10? Piece of cake!
* * *
SURFACE OF WALTMAN-10
"Trash."
"Yes, Lieutenant Hardy?" Stephanie said absently, as she kicked at a piece of twisted metal on the scarred surface of the abandoned Federation moon.
"Ummm..." Jeff grinned. My, Jericho did have her nicely trained, didn't he? "This emergency beacon - it's garbage. Thing's only giving off signals due to an internal malfunction."
"Oh okay. Whatever you say." Commander McMahon-Helmsley hugged herself tightly as a gritty blast of air whipped at her uniform. The weather was violent, unfriendly. Unstable ion clouds created multi-colored streaks of lightning that stabbed the rocky lunar skin. Why couldn't Daddy send her on exciting, glamourous missions?
Missions that would allow her to show off bravery and talent! Missions that would force Hunter to notice her!
Lt Hardy tapped his comm badge. "Lt Commander Jericho? Stephanie and I didn't find jack-"
"You and Stephanie hit the sack?" Jericho's voice crackled through the electrical interference.
"Oh yeah, jerkweed." Commander McMahon rolled her eyes. "Jeff is just the catch of the day."
"Well, speaking of fish-"
"This is a waste of our valuable time." Stephanie cut him off. "Lieutenant Hardy and I are transporting back to the ship. Care to join us?"
"A three-way... transport?" the Y2J Unit asked slyly. "Golly, I think Jeffrey's a bit young for that Stephie baby."
"Drop dead Chris. That's an order."
"Three to beam up, McMichaels." Jericho and his beloved commander could finish their flirting on the safely shielded TitanPrize.
"Aye Lieutenant." Debra's bubbly voice responded. "Stand by please. Attempting to compensate for ion interference."
Stephanie closed her eyes, waited for the bright, ethereal wash of blue light to scatter her molecules. Some officers were spooked by the transporter, thinking it stole slivers of their D.N.A with each journey, afraid it might spit them out as something completely different on the other side. Commander McMahon-Helmsley loved it. The warm tingling sensation, that quick, magical feeling of free-fall....
When you were nothing more than a genetic ghost in a beam of light, there wasn't a thing in the universe that could hurt you...
* * *
WWF TITANPRIZE-TRANSPORTER ROOM 1
"-signals are weak!"
"Electrical interference is playing havoc with the matter streams-" Commander Shane yelled from across the room. He'd been summoned seconds ago, when his sister failed to materialize.
"Lt Hardy is locked in, the Commander is locked in-" Debra was ready to punch the console. "Jericho...we've got a wicked chemical rain in the lunar atmosphere, he's fading-"
"Get the damn humans back, McMichaels!" Come to think of it, Shane really didn't give a flying leap if Jeff Hardy's molecules were splattered all over the surface of Waltman-10. "Now!"
Stephanie went limp with relief as she felt the familiar static rush of the transporter pad beneath her feet. Coinciding aftershock and loss of adrenaline dropped the little princess to her knees.
"Commander." Her rainbow-haired inferior was helping her up. "Geez Deb, I've never had a ride quite like that before!"
"Oh please Hardy." Stephanie stubbornly shook him off. "You're so innocent and saintly that you've probably never had a ri-"
"Have you been talking to Matt?"
"Don't listen to her Jeffy." Jericho winked at him, as the sapphire blur of the transporter morphed into the steely, well-lit interior of the ship. "If bed-hopping was a religion, we'd all be worshipping Stephie as the patron saint of dirty, filthy, skanky, nasty, brutal, bottom-feeding trash-bag ho's!"
Stephanie's eyes narrowed serpent-like in his direction. "McMichaels?"
Debra shook her head. "Nothing-"
"Move!" Commander McMahon-Helmsley pushed her out of the way. "You're obviously too blonde or too smashed on your boyfriend's cheap beers to handle this!"
Jeff stepped over Debra's crumpled form, ignoring the spite that blazed in her eyes. "There's nothing in the buffer Commander. We've lost the damn lock!"
Stephanie manipulated the transporter array with shaking hands. "No! We can get it back! We can get the signal back!"
"Steph?" Jericho frowned as he watched her work almost feverishly, racking his memory banks to remember if there had been an ensign on the Away Team with them. The rough trip back must have jolted something loose in his positronic net..."The gang's all here, unless you secretly took your own portable love slave along."
She whirled around, flushed and angry. "Do something Hardy!"
"Oh man, oh man." Shane was sweating up a storm. "Pops will murder me if I lost his best gadget! I'll be working off millions and millions credits down in Sanitation to pay for this."
"Shut the hell up you idiot!" Stephanie yelled at her big brother. "Don't just stand there Jeff! Scan the moon again - just stop looking at me like that!"
Lieutenant Hardy had to forcibly wrench his commanding officer away from the console, his expression neutral as she kicked and screamed and flailed around like a petulant child. Holding onto her was like trying to embrace unstable plasma-damn near impossible and potentially dangerous.
He felt something wet and warm slide down his cheek - blood.
"He's gone Steph."
She stopped scratching at him, trying to escape. Their eyes met, and she knew.
"You bastard."
Commander McMahon-Helmsley started to cry.
* * *
CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM
"I said the damn credits were already on their way!" Captain McMahon growled at the placid face of the Irvine Inc. swine who had contacted him by vidphone. Oh how tempting it was to punch a nice ragged hole through the screen..."What more do you want out of me?"
"Damn suits." Lt Commander Austin wiped some foam away from his mouth. "Listen up you dumb s.o.b, you got the money coming back at ya, you want more? You'd have better luck getting blood from a stone. We don't owe you-"
"The Y2J Unit was perfect." Vince was chilled by the stoic blue eyes that accompanied the voice. "A technological masterpiece! We thought it could be trusted with the WrestleFleet flagship, but we were wrong! You should be demoted back to Ensign-"
Captain McMahon threw the phone across the room, watching with unconcealed pleasure as it shattered.
"Cap." Jericho leaned on his desk. "This was funny for about five minutes, but come on! I'm too gorgeous to be ignored!"
"Silly son of a bitch." Austin shook his head. "You'd think a 'droid would know better than to stand under an ion storm during transport."
"I didn't detect it until I was in the matter stream!" Jericho protested.
"Steph's taking it hard." Vince buried his head in his hands. "Like she blew his molecules all over the moon personally."
"You know Vinnie Mac." Jericho needed a new approach. For a shipwide prank, this was pretty bizarre, not to mention annoying. "Just caught a glimpse of your old bag stepping into the shower. I've seen raisins with less wrinkles. I mean have you got failing eyesight? Senility? Insanity perhaps?"
"I always thought that robot was a second rate jabroni." Rock muttered, turning his head so no one could see the drop of liquid forming in his eye. "A monkey's ass could've held his rank and done a better job."
"So when do you take my place, Crocky?" Jericho smiled bitterly.
If he didn't know any better, didn't have the benefit of android logic... he'd think....
* * *
HOLODECK 4
"Alright, just think. Think!" Stephanie flung her long, dark hair out of her face, hair that was getting tangled and mussed from neglect. "Jeff and I came through a window in the ionic interference. We weren't caught in the matter stream long enough for our signals to degrade. Neither was Chris...."
She stood in the middle of Transporter Room 1. Actually, it was a grim re-creation, painted over the yellow and black grid of the Holosuite. Time had stretched past the midnight hour, but minutes, hours...they were irrelevant here, in this piece of frozen history.
"There are trace amounts of Carellium, Resium, Titanium in Lt Commander Jericho's matter stream." Stephanie said wearily. But so what? There were millions of crazed chemical atoms bouncing around in the moon's atmosphere.
"Jericho's unique genetic material cannot be detected on Waltman-10 by our bio-scans." Again, so what? Interference might drown out such specialized readings. "There are no traces of him in the transporter buffer."
Stephanie looked down at her uniform. Normally she would have pitched a fit to see herself in such a wrinkled get-up.
"How can he just disappear?"
"Computer. End program."
Commander McMahon-Helmsley stared blankly as her fake little world was stripped away.
"You're obsessed, Steph. We left orbit five hours ago. Jericho isn't coming back."
She shivered. "Man you're cold Hardy. I thought you were the sensitive one."
"Believe me, I am." Jeff smiled at her. "But I also remember how much of a jack-ass I was when I let my grief and anger almost eat me alive. Dr. Taker was scheduling personality transplants and Chris kept scanning me to see what I had up my - well I guess you know how his mind works."
"Straight from the gutter."
"Funny, that's where he thought you were plying your trade." Lt Hardy teased her. "The thing is Steph, Jericho wouldn't want you to let yourself go like this. If 'droids have souls, then Chris is out there somewhere wondering what happened to your sharp tongue."
"That's not true." Stephanie's eyes were glistening. "He's probably waiting for me to stick it down some ensign's throat."
Jeff laughed. "I could call you Slutephanie for the rest of my service aboard the TitanPrize if it helped."
Stephanie felt the corners of her mouth twitch. "There's no body. How can someone be dead and there just be no, no trace of them?"
"Poor Chris." Jeff stabbed at the control panel, easing the doors open. "He really wanted his gorgeous body put on display. Had a town square in Kanata all picked out."
"Tell me you're kidding..." Stephanie's voice trailed off as she followed the Aerialian through the twisting corridors.
Lt Commander Jericho raked a fingernail across his skin, watching as manufactured blood oozed through the cut, as perfectly crimson as any human's.
For once in her skanky life, Stephanie was one hundred percent right.
He had a body. He couldn't be dead.
* * *
MATT AND JEFF HARDY'S QUARTERS
"Darn it. I totally forgot about tonight." Lt Hardy bit his lip, feeling awkward as Stephanie scornfully swept her gaze around the shadowy, candlelit room. His brother and girlfriend would soon be stepping off a shuttle after another grueling round of classes at Wrestlefleet Academy, and well... he'd thought he'd take a shot at a romantic evening with Lita, complete with her favorite Aerialian chocolate and soft music.
"Gee whiz Hardy." Stephanie shook her head, making a beeline for his closet. "You really are the original sap aren't you?"
"What are you doing?" he demanded.
"Oh nothing." Commander McMahon-Helmsley was doing a whole lot of nothing with his clothing. "Just checking the rumor that you and Lita traded outfits."
"Maybe you should sit down." Jeff steered her away from his wardrobe and towards the sofa. "You look tired."
"Maybe I should just go." Stephanie stood back up. "You've obviously got some sickening Aerialian mating ritual planned and I really hate to be a third wheel." She frowned. "I hate to be a liar. Actually I don't want to gag all over the place while you and Lita mush and gush all over each other."
"Well, thanks for sparing my feelings." Jeff said dryly. "But with Hunter on the bridge...."
"I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if no one watches me?" Stephanie laughed.
"Of course not, but-" Lt Hardy hovered over the replicator, trying to recall what Chris said was Steph's favorite drink. Strawberry malt maybe?
"How'd you know?" Stephanie accepted the glass, smiled sadly at the sweet-looking pink liquid.
"Can't keep my eyes off of you." he said sarcastically, trying to make excuses for Lita appear out of thin air. But all Jeff could think about was what Jericho had asked him just weeks ago, after the failed mutiny by the degenerate rebels. Hunter could be dangerous. He could just be a terrible husband. Lt Hardy suspected both.
"If something happens to me, someone has to watch out for Stephanie, protect her from Helmsley. I trust you Jeff...."
Logic told him that androids didn't become ghosts, but instinct told him he didn't want to tangle with the idea of supernatural vengeance either.
Jeff had almost needed to sign an oath in blood, promising, swearing on Matt's life he would never repeat the conversation to Stephanie. So if the commander found his behavior a little strange... too bad.
"It's funny." She was twirling the straw around in her drink, watching it stir up cotton-candy colored bubbles. "You don't even question my grief."
"I may be a saint, Steph. I'm not naive." Jeff left it at that.
"Whatever happened between you and Lita in that turbolift, St. Jeffrey?"
"You want some chocolate or something?" His skin slowly turned eight shades of red, only to be outdone by his hair.
"Nah." Stephanie watched enviously as the young Aerialian picked up a slender box wrapped in shimmery silver paper that had been resting on the table, glowing beneath the flames that tipped the candles. Roses. Lita was getting roses. Hunter had bought her flowers once... hadn't he? "Better not. Yesterday Hunter said my thighs looked chubby."
"Yeah well, Hunter's a-" Jeff finished the sentence with a choice Aerialian curse once he was safely inside his sleeping quarters. If he said that to Lita, he wouldn't be able to apologize thanks to the life support tube crammed down his throat... He probably should put the roses away for the night - wouldn't be too romantic, what with his commanding officer present and all.
"Hey baby!" Lita called out, after punching in the override code for his door lock and waltzing into the room. "Your brother met Eddie out in the hall and they're gonna go to the Smackdown, shoot some pool with Edge and Christian. Actually, they're probably going to hustle them, but those two geeks could use a few less credits to buy shampoo with anyways. Oh wow!" She suddenly noticed the mood music, the beautiful candles. "Is this for me?"
"It sure isn't for me." Stephanie smiled sweetly.
"Commander?"
"It's not the Easter Bunny."
"Steph, you really need to get out of that uniform." Jeff emerged from the bedroom, carrying a pile of clothes. "I know you don't like Lita's style, but - Lita."
"I knew you had a soft spot for her Jeff." Lita said coldly. "But I didn't know you had such a freaking soft head."
"This really is not what it looks like." he assured her.
"It sure isn't." Stephanie chimed in. "I don't think little Jeffy is ready for his first time yet."
Lita stared her down, one hand on her hip, considering whether or not proper Wrestlefleet protocol was enough of a barrier against her volcanic temper. If only Etiquette Officer Richards had been here to advise her...she could have punched him in the mouth and gotten it out of her system.
"Chris is dead, Lita."
Stephanie's wet, sparkling eyes were fixed on the carpet. She wouldn't - she wouldn't dare utter those horrible words...no, as much as the two women resented each other, the fact was Lita had recently saved Stephanie's life. The commander would never sink so low as to hurt her like this...
"How?"
"Transporter accident." Jeff said quietly.
"Geez, I thought that guy was immortal." Lita sank into the sofa, shell-shocked.
Stephanie sighed. "When I was paralyzed from the neck down, and I couldn't feel anything....I wish I was like that again - comfortably numb."
"I'm sorry Commander." Lita hugged her.
Jericho hadn't doubted that the Aerialians would take care of Stephanie - they all had those painfully good hearts, even the hot-tempered Lita, who was now coddling little Miss McMahon like a baby sister. Course, Steph would make the ensign pay for the warm moment in spades....
Lt. Commander Jericho grinned. When he figured out what the heck was keeping him hidden from the crew, he'd have so much dirt to bury the little tramp in...
* * *
"Your dad said what?" Lita sugar had turned to spice with lightning speed. She paced the room, eyes blazing. "I wonder how he'd like to be fed his grapefruits!"
"If anyone deserves a funeral, it's Lt Commander Jericho!" Matt was furious. "He's not just some damn footnote in Wrestlefleet history!"
"There's no body." Stephanie hugged herself tightly, wondering what Jericho saw in these Aerialian geeks. They were just so caring and kind and concerned - what the heck was it all about? Didn't they realize she'd just as soon step on them as to look at them? "No exact proof of death. He's missing in action."
"Missing means they can be found." Matt insisted. "And yet no one's trying to find him."
"He's gone." Jeff said firmly. "No point in deluding ourselves."
There was no point in hurting Stephanie with wishful thinking is what his little brother meant, Matt realized. The commander hadn't come out and said it...but she acted more like a widow than anything.
"I don't accept this." Lita was fired up again. "Chris Jericho's memory deserves better than to be spit on!"
"Er Lita." Jeff frowned. "You're not gonna do anything crazy are you?"
"I'm going to the Smackdown!" Lita declared. "Dammit, if we can't acknowledge the guy is dead and mourn like a normal crew, we are sure as hell going to celebrate his life!"
"Count me out." Stephanie seemed bored as she watched Lita storm out of quarters. "As far as I know, all Chris had for a life was calling me a slut and picking on Hunter. Unfairly I might add."
"You could at least say good-bye as a fellow officer." Jeff couldn't get angry, even though the spoiled brat had no idea how much Jericho would've given to protect her. Steph was only trying to shove her misery some place dark and deep inside, and he couldn't fault her for that.
"Kiss my-"
Lt Hardy grabbed her arm, prevented her from leaving. "I think I've kissed you quite enough. Don't you think I don't know why you're so messed up right now. You shoulda told him Steph. You know you should've!"
"Tell him what?" Stephanie jerked away, but her smile... angelic innocence with the devil in her eyes - "Unlike Jericho, I have no secrets to take to my grave..." and with that, she walked out.
This time, Jeff didn't stop her escape.
* * *
COMMANDER MCMAHON-HELMSLEY'S QUARTERS
"Are you even listening to me, Steph?"
"Yeah, something about Lt Benoit throwing a drink in Rock's face or something." Stephanie murmured, watching her sad eyes stare back at her in the full-length mirror. Onyx-colored silk shimmered in the starlight; the blouse was modest compared to the skirt, which none of Ensign Godfather's girls would have the nerve or beauty to pull off with such class...
And Hunter was wrong-her legs were perfect!
She actually smiled. Jericho could now call her a slut from the other side, if there was such a place. She hoped if there was a hell for androids...
Oh god, I don't want him to be there.
She blinked. "Hunter, I'm sorry. What was that?"
"Baby, you're too tired to go out tonight." He was standing in front of her, studying her pale, drawn face. "Especially to a party for that - that toy soldier of Vince's!"
"He was a fine officer." she said faintly. "And he was under my command..."
"He was scrap metal waiting to happen. A freak."
"Don't Hunter." Can't he see I'm dressed like a sl-all sexy? Doesn't he have a single hormone in his body?
"Are you defending it?" Hunter demanded. "Why? Cause maybe he kissed you?"
Stephanie's jaw dropped. "How did you-?"
"This!" Hunter threw a padd at her. She squealed and stumbled backwards. "You won't even deny it?"
"You - you read my personal logs!" Her heart was beating a mile a minute, but not from being intimidated. Those were her private emotions, hers and hers alone! Stephanie could feel her face burning. "You invaded my privacy! How - how dare you! I'm your wife, not to mention your freaking superior officer! Where do you get off?"
"Don't shove this onto me!" Hunter growled. "X-Pac was goofing around in here and you know what a computer whiz he is! He hacked a few of your files. Like I don't have the right to find out?"
"I wonder how your little fuzzy friend would like to fool around in a Wrestlefleet Prison Colony?" Stephanie was screaming - she didn't care who heard her.
"Take it easy." he hissed. "I don't care if you were being held hostage by the Ja'Ret! How could you let that thing put its slimy synthetic lips on you?"
"The Ja'Ret?" Stephanie's shoulders sagged with relief. That was it? "I was about to be executed. He was providing a distraction. In his own perverse way, I guess he was trying to be kind."
"Robots don't have emotions Stephie! They don't have the capacity for kindness."
Don't you dare Hunter! Don't tell me Chris can't feel!
"Lt Commander Jericho is dead." she reminded him. "It's over. There's no point...."
"It's lucky it's dead." Hunter laughed, an ugly, chilling sound. "Cause I would take that bucket of bolts and a disruptor out to a shuttlebay and make it wish the hell it had never been assembled!"
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" He laughed again. "God Steph, he's the one who forced himself on you when you were frightened and scared. He took advantage, violated you! Why didn't you tell me?"
The way he was looking at her right now, like he genuinely cared that another man had harmed her, the jealousy burning in his hard, dark eyes... and it was all based on a lie, that Chris was some sort of monster. She shook her head. Why did everything in her life come with all these strings attached?
"Don't go." Hunter took her hands, gently. "After what he did to you, he doesn't deserve to even have you fake it."
"Ensign Helmsley!" Lt Rock snapped over the comm. "You are two minutes and the Rock means two minutes away from your candy ass being late! Know your role jabroni, and get to the helm before I vaporize this piece of monkey crap Edge!"
"Dude!" Edge cried. "Don't stress me out! It causes wrinkles!"
"I'm on my way." Hunter tapped his badge off. "Lt Crock."
"I'll think about what you said." Stephanie sat on the foot of their bed. It was actually more like her bed - she couldn't recall the last time they'd slept in it together.
"C-ya in the morning." Hunter kissed the top of her head and was gone.
"After what I did?" Jericho seethed, kicked the bedpost so hard it should have shook. "You kissed me that day Stephie baby!" He could put his hands around her throat and strangle her and she wouldn't even know it. So tempting...."Hey what should I expect really? Honesty and McMahons go together like Ensign Too Hottie and decent dancing! You even deceive yourself in your personal logs!"
Stephanie picked up the dented padd, erased the data that X-Pac and Hunter had seen. "You just see whatever you want to see, don't you Hunter?"
"Like you don't?" Jericho was yelling at the top of his lungs. Damn! It felt good! "You think he loves you now cause he's a little jealous? Here's some headlines news for you sweetie! He'd be laughing it right up now, spending your money hand over fist if you'd been zapped by the transporter! Where was he when your spine was being operated on, when you thought you would be on your back forever? Ol' Trip was shooting pool and guzzling synthehol with his backstabbing degenerates buddies like you meant nothing!"
Her head was down, and a waterfall was pouring from the little princess' eyes. "I know what you'd be saying right now if you were here, Chris. That I'm a naive, desperate, insecure fool! But Hunter... he's not a wussie like Lt Hardy, always running around, wearing his heart on his sleeve. He just doesn't know how to show me..."
"I don't understand you, Steph," Jericho shook his head, sat beside her. "You're a brilliant engineer, tough as nails, as slutty as all get out, well, never mind that part...how on earth did you come down with this case of selective blindness?"
"I could be wasting these tears too." She laughed bitterly. "What if I'm believing what I want to believe, that you're even capable of feeling? Anything you experience, even with your emotion chip, is just complex programming and chemical reactions. If I just swallow that, then this pain goes away."
Stephanie touched her hair, shivered as a cool breeze fluttered a few strands.
Jericho brushed a few glossy dark locks out of her eyes, which shined with moisture in the dark. "I don't think I'm self-aware enough to answer that one, Sl-Stephanie. You know, if you keep missing me like this, I won't even want to come back. Kind of awkward you know? You're supposed to be evil 24 hours a day."
"I wish I'd never met you, Chris." Her voice was as brittle as glass. She meant it.
"Feeling's mutual." He touched her hand, lightly, careful to avoid the gold band that kept her bonded to Hunter. He kissed her on the cheek. How can I taste her tears if I'm dead?
Stephanie stood and smoothed out her revealing piece of silk. She reached up, gently wiping away tears with the back of her hand. Sometimes, if she concentrated hard enough, she could feel his lips on her skin... and she didn't want to go there ever again! Not as long as she lived!
"Too bad we can't go back in time and avoid each other altogether." Jericho watched her leave. "And by the way, what are you doing attending a party in my honor dressed like a high-priced tart?"
* * *
THE SMACKDOWN
"Ey Mamacita... it breaks my heart a thousand times over to see your pretty eyes filled with such sorrow!" Ensign Guerrero clutched a hand to his chest as he and Chyna sat on the counter behind the bar of the Smackdown.
Loud music shook the walls, balloons and confetti swirled in the air as strobe lights shot rainbows through the dark, and it should have seemed just plain callous and wrong. Yet, no one there disagreed that Lt Commander Chris Jericho wouldn't have loved this party atmosphere.
"Oh Eddie." Chyna managed a smile. "You're too sweet. Jericho would have just said to me, hey, life's a bitch and then you die."
Ensign Guerrero laughed. "See, we need to focus on that! What a great guy he was!"
"Lt Commander Jericho swore?" Crash asked, wide-eyed.
"Er, only when he was tipsy." Chyna assured the little Houdianan. Man, he was just the picture of innocence! "One thing I am happy about is that Chris and I made nice before - well I'm just glad I finally had his respect. Didn't think it was possible after that big fight we had..."
"I still maintain it was your fault." Jericho winked at her, even though she couldn't see.
"He was the funniest officer on this ship." Eddie grinned, remembering as he sipped at an old-fashioned rootbeer. Didn't want to influence Crash the wrong way of course. "That Rock thinks he's so clever, but Chris, his material was so fresh! Engineering could be like comedy hour if Commander McMahon-Helmsley wasn't there to shut him up."
"I don't think Miss Stephanie had much success in that department." Crash said. "What was that one Lt Commander Jericho was telling me a couple days ago? There were these two er...sluts and this one skank who walked into the Ensigns training camp, and-"
"Come on Elroy!" Jericho frowned. "You didn't even get that one! And it was two skanks for pete's sake!"
"Speak of the devil." Chyna's eyes strayed towards the entrance. "Could her skirt be any shorter?"
"Sure." Eddie tried not to gawk at Stephanie, who strutted into the bar like she owned the place, moving like she was meant to wear as little clothing as possible. "Then she'd be naked."
"Oh golly." Crash turned so red Chyna thought she might have to hail Dr. Taker, who of course, was not at this fiesta. "Golly, golly."
"It's kind of cute." Mamcita had to admit. "You know that would be the perfect outfit for Chris to see her in. Stupid Jericho could start World War 7 with the kind of nasty comments he'd make, and she'd love every minute of it!"
* * *
"Commander!" Ensign Angle huffed and puffed his way over to Stephanie, wrapping her slim body up in a red, white, and blue earth-style windbreaker. "I don't mean to alarm you, but some amoral prankster had transported half your skirt off the ship."
"Kurt," Stephanie snapped. "It's supposed to look like that!"
"Pardon?" He seemed baffled. "Whoever sold you this scrap of cloth obviously has no integrity! You should get your money back from this heinous seller of inferior garments! Why, you look just like a common streetwalker and it reflects very badly on your virtue!"
"Angle." She sighed. "You wouldn't know virtue if it kicked you in the ass, and guess what?" Steph smiled. "I hope it does."
"Commander!" Kurt spluttered. "That is some very unladylike language. The Captain needs a bar of soap to wash your mouth out with!"
"Fashion DON'T!" Christian stepped in front of her. "Uhhh hello - everyone knows micro-minis went out like three months ago! Totally tired, girlfriend!"
"Let us not be so hasty, brother." Edge said. "Perhaps Stephanie is attending the ho convention on Copeland-9 tomorrow. Such an outfit and make-up combo would be all the rage!"
"Uhh talk to the hand boys."
"What hand?" Christian asked.
"This one." Stephanie slapped them both across the face and slipped into the mass of people, until she found a quiet table by herself where she could look at the stars and not be bothered. She hoped no one would ask her to speak about Jericho....
As the dizzying whirlwind of music and lights hypnotized her senses, she thought back to her desperate attempts to find the key in the holodeck...
"Jericho's signal is lost. His D.N.A. is lost. Trace amounts of Carellium, Resium-"
Carellium! Of course!
Stephane zig-zagged through the crowd until she stumbled across Lt Hardy, who was pulling Lita onto the dance floor.
"Hey-Rainbow Bright!" she gasped, out of breath. "You're with me in Engineering."
"Aw geez Steph." Jeff sighed. He had Stephanie to thank for putting he and Lita together, and lately he had her to thank for keeping them apart at every possible moment. "Have a heart."
"Maybe later." Stephanie said impatiently. "Right now I'd rather save Lt Commander Jericho."
Lita nodded at Jeff, silently communicating that they should give Steph this one last shot in the dark. Maybe she had to realize the truth on her own...."I should rescue Matt from the evil Tori's clutches anyway."
* * *
ENGINEERING
"What do you know about Carellium, Lieutenant?" Stephanie's eyes were bright, nearly feverish with what must have been a profound discovery.
"Carellium." Jeff frowned. "Uhhh...gosh, they haven't used that for fifty, sixty years. It's a man-made element, created by a top Wrestlefleet scientist."
"What did they use it for?"
Was this a pop quiz or a rescue mission for pete's sake? "Well, I learned in Technological History that it was standard base element in primitive cloaking devices."
"Not as dopey as you look, huh Hardly?" Stephanie grinned. "I found Carellium particles in the matter stream that should have contained Lt Commander Jericho. I didn't think anything of it at first, but I should have. Maybe it wasn't enough to hide a ship, but there are atoms enough to cloak a human being, or android as it were."
"Of course!" Jeff exclaimed. "Carellium is man-made. No way should it occur naturally in Waltman-10's atmosphere!"
"It had to come from that old Wrestlefleet wreckage!" Stephanie felt the familiar adrenaline rush she always got when she solved some complex engineering problem. "And how do you expose a Carellium-cloaked ship? You hit it with a concentrated blast of Resian oxide. All we do is flood the ship with RO and we get our pain in the butt back!"
"Not to mention knock us all out for about 30 minutes." Jeff frowned as he uploaded some data from the Waltman-10 wreckage site. "Commander, we should have seen this before. Carellium is so powerful that it’s hard to dilute with other elements. Wrestlefleet stopped using it because it would eat away at the hulls of ships and cause minor breeches. That's what happened to the ship we found-Carellium degraded the titanium alloy skin so badly it crashed the vessel."
"Well then..." Stephanie had already accessed environmental controls, preparing to send the Resian Oxide in breathable form throughout the TitanPrize. "We'd better get moving hadn't we?" A sudden realization struck the Commander. "Oh my god! All this time that pig could have been watching me sleep, take showers, get undressed..." She shuddered.
"Jericho is invisible, Commander, not desperate," Jeff smiled, wondering if Chris had been around to hear that. "Shouldn't we warn the crew they're about to pass out."
"Heck no, Hardly." Stephanie said firmly. "Jericho is running out of time."
* * *
THE SMACKDOWN
"Chrissie?"
"Eyes in the back of your head now, Skankanie?" Lt Commander Jericho sat across from her, eyes wandering carefully around the half-full bar.
"No." She looked up from the padd she'd been slogging through. "I can smell pond scum from a mile away."
"Guess being married to Hunter helped sharpen that sense." Jericho nodded at Chyna to bring him a nice, stiff synthehol. "Miss me?"
"Oh yes." Stephanie smiled. "As much as being paralyzed from the neck down."
Jericho returned the smile, much more coldly. "So I hear you and Lita went shopping down on Kanata yesterday. Didn't realize you liked those Aerialian's so much."
"We weren't doing any female bonding if that's what you're thinking!" Stephanie snapped. "Like I'd ever be friends with the jobber crew! I mean, it was a charity case - when you and your boyfriend are dressing alike it's a cry for help."
"Here I thought Lita's style might rub off on you." the Y2J Unit said. "You know, introduce you to skirts that cover your fat a-"
"That is enough, Lt Commander Jericho!" Stephanie lashed out. "I'm still your superior, or better yet Chris, you are still my inferior! And when I say inferior - wait... What happened to your eye?"
Jericho reflexively touched the tender bruising that marred one of his gorgeous blue orbs. "Why you're hubby Trip punched me in the eye. Cheap shot too. Typical Helmsley maneuver."
"Hunter did that?" Chris had pretty realistic human skin, but it still took a lot to scar him.
"Yeah." Jericho nodded. "Seems a little birdie told him that I forced my beautiful lips on you."
"Oh that?" Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Hunter is a jealous brute. What can I say?"
"Here's an idea Stephie." Jericho leaned across the table, his posture menacing. "How's about....Oh Hunter, I was the one who tried to suck Lt Commander Jericho's face off, or oh Hunter it wasn't the first time I tried to vacuum all the spit out of Chris's mouth!"
"I explained-"
"Yeah, you explained I was coddling you while the Ja'Ret planned to ice your sorry behind." Jericho hissed. "But then you let him believe I violated you in some way!"
"Chris." Stephanie sighed, kept her voice low as Chyna set a foamy glass of synthehol in front of Jericho. "He just....it seemed to wake him up you know? He cared, I mean, more than usual."
"I don't really give a damn about your unholy union, sweetie." He pushed his drink away. "I have a reputation. I don't need the officers on this ship thinking I'm some sort of predator."
"Robots don't have reps, Chrissie." Commander McMahon-Helmsley couldn't meet his eyes. "Like Hunter says, how can an inanimate object really care?"
"Oh god!" Jericho laughed. "He's brainwashing you now, and with so little material to work with!"
"It's not like it's gonna leave Hunter's and my bedroom." Stephanie said impatiently. "If it helps me out, just leave it the hell alone!"
She was so pathetic it almost hurt. Jericho shook his head. "Stay in your bedroom? Like the inter-galactic STD's that have colonized in your wake? I don't think so honey. Only thing bigger than Trip's nose is his mouth."
"Like all those losers you hang with will believe anything Hunter says!"
"Fix this!" Jericho seethed. "Before he melts me down for spare parts and your dad ships me back to Irvine Inc. in five pieces! I will not be looked at like some skank-loving freak of nature!"
"I think you should look at this." Stephanie thrust the padd in his direction. "Ensign Edge lodged a personal complaint against you, considers it a faux pas of the highest magnitude for you to be copying his haircut. I'm not the person he needs to file this with."
"I know exactly where that pretty boy can file this!" Jericho spat, snatching the padd up off the table. "Just when I think you're as bottom-feeding as you can get, you manage to chew your way down another layer."
"Good-night, Lt Commander." Stephanie lowered her eyes, watching him walk away through her long, dark lashes. She hoped he hadn't detected how hurried her respiration had become...
To think, she'd come so chillingly close to giving into some insane feeling, something that couldn't be real if it couldn't be returned...it had been the grief talking of course. Grief made you believe in emotions that didn't exist or were exaggerated. If it could nearly drive Lt Hardy to a nervous breakdown, why couldn't it lure her into caring when she really didn't?
It's just a bundle of wires and data chips and titanium and complex chemical reactions. It's not human.
Jericho strode towards Engineering, Steph's words ringing in his ears. He was a robot, when you came right down to it. It shouldn't bother him to hear it said so bluntly.
And if he were just a robot, and his "emotions" were really just based on mathematical calculations performed by his positronic net, then there could be a glitch, a malfunction.
Jericho would let Ensign Hardy get in some valuable training, allow the kid to perform an in-depth diagnostic and mess around with his emotion chip.
Whatever he found, Matt could be trusted to keep his lips sealed....