SEASON FOUR

EPISODE 9: BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN

By: X-C

SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE WWF TITANPRIZE. IT'S MISSION: TO EXPLORE AND ENTERTAIN NEW SOCIETIES AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS.  TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WRESTLER HAS GONE BEFORE!

TITANPRIZE CREW:
Captain Vincent K. McMahon
First Officer, Commander Shane McMahon
Chief Engineer, Commander Stephanie McMahon
Chief of Chiefs, Commander Linda McMahon
Chief of Security, Commander Kane
Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Taker
Communications Officer, Lieutenant Rock
Counselor Al Snow (assisted by H.E.A.D.)
Diagnostics Officer, Lieutenant Commander Jericho
Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Commander Austin
Transporter Chief, Lieutenant Commander Debra McMichael
... And many more!

WWF TITANPRIZE-CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

    "Captain's Log, Stardate 061305.00. Wrestlefleet has granted the TitanPrize a vacation! Of course, the crew will maintain normal day to day operations, but the ship will be in orbit around Copeland-9, a lunar paradise in the Resian Galaxy. My officers have been encouraged to embrace their leisure time and visit the surface of this gorgeous moon as often as possible!"

    Vincent K McMahon smiled as he relaxed in his luxurious chair, thinking that maybe this could be the golden opportunity he needed to repair his failing marriage. Recently, he and Linda had clashed over some of the more outrageous decisions she handed down from her damned "ivory tower" at Wrestlefleet headquarters where she was now stationed.

    "This break comes at a perfect time for a couple members of my crew. Ever since coming through the temporal rift, Stephanie, my little angel, has been sulky and depressed, while Lieutenant Jeff Hardy has displayed an extremely short fuse and violent mood swings.  That fool counselor Al Snow has been the next closest thing to useless; my fear is that he himself is suffering from a split personality, which I thought  psychiatrist-in-training Ensign Blackman had cured,"

    "On the lighter side of TitanPrize life, I've had to ban Ensigns Christian and Edge from beaming down to Copeland-9's surface. It seems the young men have become minor celebrities among the teenage girls there, and several overprotective daddies have hailed me to complain. The ensigns were especially pouty after I forcibly cancelled their photo shoot with some interstellar rag known as Galaxy Beat,"

    Captain McMahon closed his logbook and reviewed a personnel padd his daughter had given him during Evaluation Week. "Daddy, I hate to say this, but Ensigns Edge and Christian are 1/4 Aerialian and 3/4 nitwit. The only rank they can hope to attain is that of resident pretty boy!"

    Vince chuckled and headed for the turbolift. The big man was going to enjoy all the pleasures that Copeland-9 had to offer....

THE SMACKDOWN

    "Brother, I suggest we lodge a formal complaint with Captain McMahon." Ensign Edge's pearly whites were hidden behind a boyish pout. "Lieutenant Jeffrey is being completely unreasonable!"

    Ensign Christian was studying his flawless complexion in the wide lounge window. "You know, he is what we in the business call a total heel. Fellow ensign, have I mentioned yet how wonderful this moon's gravity is for your pores? My face is positively glowing!"

    "Like a photon flare," Edge agreed. "In two hours, we should be changing the history of flash photography on Copeland-9, but that tyrant Aerialian has scheduled us to perform diagnostics on the warp core! Doesn't he know plasma radiation dries out hair?"

    "From the looks of him, Lt Hardy is no expert on cosmic style." Ensign Christian shook his head  disapprovingly. "He's been soooo totally, like, catty ever since he came back from that parallel universe! Perhaps he discovered  the Jeff Hardy in that world had a better wardrobe!"

    "His ego has become unbearable ever since he saved Commander McMahon-Helmsley from that righteous crab!" Ensign Edge sipped at his white wine spritzer. "And if there's something I can't stand, it's an officer being full of himself!"

    "Totally!" Ensign Christian exclaimed. "Of course, it will take more than Jeffrey Hardy to cure Stephanie of that particular problem!"

    "Hello Ensigns," Kurt Angle was hovering by their table, a delicious looking red, white, and blue Olympian Cocktail in his hand. "Mind if your Wrestlefleet Communications Ensign sits down?"

    "Well...er...since there's no where else to sit...." Christian said grudgingly, his eyes darting around the Smackdown. Ensign Angle had a lot of appealing traits, including a healthy confidence and opinions that seemed to gel nicely with the blonde brothers, yet ... there was something about the American that rubbed them the wrong way....

    "Wonderful," Ensign Angle beamed. "Did I hear you mention the name of the virtuous, honorable Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley?"

    "You heard us mention Stephanie," Edge replied. "We were just considering possible dates to the Interstellar Ball aboard the TitanPrize tonight. Christian and I will make great trophies for some lucky ladies tonight!

    "Ah yes." Angle nodded. "Turns out that Ensign Hunter has the helm tonight, so I have graciously volunteered to protect the fair Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley from all the sexually frustrated vultures that will no doubt be trying to sully her innocence. As a Wrestlefleet hero, I'm up to the task."

    Ensign Christian rolled his eyes. So Angle had pushed Captain McMahon out of the way of an errant phaser burst? He needn't beat the whole drama to death. "I'm thinking of asking the lovely spitfire Lita. My blonde good looks would totally be complimented by that whole red thing she's got going on!"

    "Goodness knows that Lieutenant Jeffrey won't be able to dance tonight, what with that stick he's got stuck up his-"

    "Ensign Edge!" Kurt snapped. "Please! Commander McMahon-Helmsley is in the room. Although when it comes to Hardy and said stick, that IS true."

    "I didn't see any ladies." Christian told him. "Hey, guess what-I, like, heard the juiciest gossip! Ensign Too Hottie passed me this note today during Commander Kane's fighting class and he says that Lt Commander Jericho and Commander Stephanie have, like, the hots for each other, but the Y2J Unit likes to pretend she has Carrellian cooties or something!"

    "What?" Ensign Angle wrinkled up his nose. "You know, back on Earth they have nursery rhymes about humans mating with androids-it serves as a warning to little children everywhere about the poor moral fiber of robots. Would you like to hear it?"

    "Golly we'd love to Kurt, but Christian and I have to go over these padds for Lt Hardy." Edge said hastily. "Mr. I'm Such Hot Stuff Because I Went Through A Temporal Disruption."

    "Someone with hair that loud can't be the boss of us!" Christian protested. "It's a crime against fashion! It goes against all my shallow beliefs!"

    "Well obviously Jeffrey was willing to "lay" a lot more on the line than we were, brother." Edge said slyly.

    "I doubt someone of Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley's integrity would be bribed like that." Ensign Angle frowned at them. "As for Lt Hardy...well it is common knowledge that Aerialians are simply too lazy to work for a promotion. Back on my home planet of earth, we have certain rural people known as rednecks. I would have to say that Jeff Hardy and his brother Matt are the cosmic equivalent of those backwards, mooching, low-class hicks."

    "Ensign Edge, the reason I am the boss of you is because you are a mind-numbingly shallow and moronic toad with a galaxy-sized overbite and I am a dedicated Wrestlefleet officer." Lt Hardy's breath could have frozen in mid-air, his tone was so icy.

    "Lieutenant Jeffrey!" Edge's voice was sickeningly warm and oozing sweetness as his head whipped around so fast it almost gave him whiplash. "What a delightful surprise! I love what you're doing with your hair! That shade of blue goes very well with that spiffy Lieutenant's uniform!"

    "I have had it up to here with your insubordination!" Lt Hardy grabbed Edge by his collar, hauling him out of his cozy seat. "Maybe having those perfectly polished teeth punched down your throat would teach you some respect."

    "Hey you little punk-what the hell do you think you're doing?" Lt Bradshaw was breathing down Jeff's neck, having left his poker game with Lt Farooq to cool the young man's heels. No one, but no one created  havoc while was enjoying his damn beer!

    "I can solve my own personnel problems without you sticking your beer gut in where it doesn't belong, Bradshaw." Lt Hardy lashed out.

    "Son, you about earned yourself the ass-kicking of a lifetime right there." Bradshaw unholstered his stun gun. He knew he was supposed to treat the troubled Aerialian with kid gloves, but you didn't use the word beer in vain like that.

    "I'll handle this, Lt Bradshaw." Ensign Matt grabbed his brother's arm and steered him away from the trouble that was starting to boil. Bradshaw shrugged and returned to his cards and brew. There'd be other beatdowns, and hell it was almost cliche to use Hardy as a beating stick.

    "I can handle myself, Ensign." Jeff shook off his brother's arm as he slouched onto a barstool. He didn't like Matt touching him, speaking to him, not after what happened in the parallel universe. It gave him the creeps.

    "Obviously." Matt didn't hide his sarcasm. "Uhhh Tori, two of the strongest drinks you've got please."

    "Sure thing handsome." Tori winked flirtatiously at the ensign and turned to fill two glasses. She shared a meaningful smile with fellow Smackdown servers Road Dogg and X-Pac as she pushed two sparkling glasses of thick, shimmering aqua colored  liquid towards the Aerialian brothers. "You sure look like you could use this Lt Hardy."

    "What the hell is it?" Jeff frowned into his glass.

    "Ahh just something I learned to mix down on Copeland-9." Tori replied, her smile almost painfully bright. "From a very sexy Resian bartender with a flair for the exotic. I think you'll looove it."

    Ensign Matt shrugged and took a careful sip-it was so sweet and rich it took his breath away, the flavor so intensely pleasing it defied description. He closed his eyes and sighed as a warm, tingling sensation spread slowly through his veins. "Wow...."

    Was it just him or were Tori's eyes not quite focusing properly? Lt Hardy wondered, studying her face from behind a curtain of blue and purple locks. Probably his mind was playing tricks on him, lack of sleep did that. Jeff had thought Wrestlefleet Academy had prepared him to stomach a war, but he was wrong, waking up screaming from nightmares about the parallel universe proved that. He took the beautiful blue liquid into his system in one gulp. His eyes widened as the most amazingly free feeling seized his mind...

    "Did it work?" X-Pac asked.

    Jeff smiled. Matt smiled.

    "When do we begin?" they chorused.

HOLODECK 7

    "Make it go away. Make it go away." Stephanie whispered those four words over and over again, sing-song like as she rocked back and forth on the soft, silky golden sand, warm, foamy ocean water gently tickling her bare toes. Her eyes were squeezed shut, despite the radiant sunshine that was there to enjoy.

    Dammit, she was a McMahon! The wife of the Game! Empathy was not a part of her genetic make-up, but still she mourned the death of all those officers,  smelled the flames from the bridge, which had gone up like a roman candle, and felt the disruptor fire pierce her spine, spreading hell through her nervous system...

    The beach was supposed to be her safe haven-she'd loved her family's seaside home as a child, building sandcastles with the nanny, splashing in the shallow water, collecting shells....but there was no place that felt safe anymore....

    She looked up and brushed her eyes, which were damp, irritated by the sand that was blowing in them. At least that's what she told herself.

    Someone had entered the holodeck.

    "Lt Commander Jericho." Stephanie's face hardened. "This is a private program. Leave at once or you'll be cooling your circuits in the brig."

    Jericho said nothing, merely lifted Stephanie up by her long dark hair. She howled with rage, but felt her body go wonderfully limp and relaxed, an almost magical tingling flowing with her blood. She never even flinched at the prick in her neck or the hissing sound of the hypospray. She couldn't even see the blue mist that formed around the miniature needle hole in her flesh.

    "Oh god Chris...what have you done to me?"

    Lt Commander Jericho merely smiled.

THE BRIDGE

    "For the last damn time son, I don't believe that's the purpose of a llama's nipple!" Lt. Commander Austin growled at the Communications officer, banging his beer down at Tactical. "And while Captain Mac is on Copeland-9, I'm gonna keep a little law and order here, and that means you shutting up. Uh-uh Lt Crock! That is ALL I got to say about that!"

    Lt Rock was smoldering with rage. "Do you think the Rock gives a damn about who Vinnie Mac, the biggest pile of Wrestlefleet monkey crap there is, puts in charge. The Rock doesn't need a captain, doesn't want a captain, especially one who's the biggest piece of trailer park trash walking god's green TitanPrize!"

    "Enough!" Commander Kane bellowed from his post at Security. "I demand silence, or I will beam First Officer Shane McMahon back from the surface!"

    Silence struck like a thunderbolt. Commander McMahon certainly had the ambition and the grapefruits, but most of his plotting and strategy tended to well...backfire.

    "Degenerates on the bridge!" All eyes turned towards the turbolift, as X-Pac, Road Dogg, and Tori stepped off, phasers in their hands.

    "You little jabronis-"

    "Rock, I've been wanting to do this for a long time." Road Dogg stunned the Lieutenant with a light phaser blast. "And if you don't like it, well I've got two words for ya." Jesse stood over the fallen officer and performed an insulting crotch chop.

    Lt Commander Austin and Commander Kane, the only two members of the bridge crew on active duty that night, had already been paralyzed by Tori and X-Pac's weapons. Road Dogg leaned over each victim, pushing a hypospray against their throats.

    "Tori to engineering." The young waitress tapped her comm badge. "The bridge is secure."

ENGINEERING

    "Lieutentant Hardy." Stephanie nodded briskly to the blue-haired Aerialian, who greeted her with a dopey, intoxicated grin. "Lt Commander Jericho? Shall we?"

    The other officers in Engineering gasped with shock as they were sealed off from the main engineering computers and the warp core by a powerful forcefield.

    "Preparing to disable all TitanPrize shields." Commander McMahon-Helmsley announced.

    "I am programming the computer to eject the warp core in one hour." Jeff said happily.

    "Sending the hypospray chemical through the ventilation system." Lt Commander Jericho actually laughed merrily, his emotion chip experiencing incredible surges.

    Stephanie squealed and clapped her hands together like a little girl who'd just been told Christmas was everyday of the year. Deep somewhere in her mind, the nagging question of just what she was so joyful about began to surface....

THE SMACKDOWN

    "Well, fellow ensigns, it certainly is quiet in here for an Interstellar Ball." Ensign Edge straightened his dress uniform as he stepped dramatically into the lounge, nearly shell-shocked by the absence of flash photography that should have accompanied his grand entrance.

    "God, I can't believe we actually showed up without dates!" Christian hissed. "I'm like sooo mortified."

    "You mean, you can't believe some desperately fortunate girl didn't arrive with us on their arms." Edge corrected him.

    "I found my own witty conversation so stimulating, I barely noticed the silence." Ensign Angle commented looking around the eerily empty bar.

    "Boys!" Tori rushed up to them, her eyes sparkling so brightly they were hard to look at directly. "You're early! Would you care for a drink? It's on the house!" She thrust a tray containing three tantalizing blue cocktails at them.

    "Tori." Christian frowned. "You want three hard-working young ensigns to just mooch off the TitanPrize bar when they have the credits to pay their way? That's just irresponsible, unethical, and well, wrong!"

    "Do you want it or not?" she asked, exasperated.

    "Duh." Ensign Edge was already halfway through his. Suddenly he spat the liquid out. "Swill! How dare you serve this to my brother and I! The blue color will stain our teeth."

    "I-" Tori gawked at them. They seemed completely unaffected by the drink.

    "Lord knows you have the integrity of a gutter snake." Ensign Angle shook his head sadly. "But there is absolutely nothing intelligent about serving this heinous concoction to your customers."

    "Noooo!" Christian wailed as he looked down at his clothing. "How could you spit that out Edge? You've sullied my freshly laundered dress uniform! This is definitely a fashion don't!"

    "No worries brother." Edge smiled. "It seems there's time to change your outfit before the gala event starts."

    Tori merely rolled her eyes as the threesome left the Smackdown. They were so frivolous and self-absorbed that they'd be no threat to the master plan. And if by some miracle they were able to discern what was going down, they could always be eliminated....

ENGINEERING

    "Dude, it is so radical that you're helping me and Edge complete our diagnostics!" Christian told Ensign Angle, as they quietly tip-toed through the oddly quiet Engineering. "Lt Hardy would have soooo blown a fuse if he figured out we played hookey to get facials."

    "I believe this is what we in the business call a run-in." Edge added helpfully, as he scanned his computer. "Hmmm, this is troubling."

    "You didn't break a nail did you?" Christian asked, "That manicure cost you 50 credits!"

    "Nothing like that." Ensign Edge frowned, making sure to frown attractively. "Why it appears that Jeffrey Hardy has programmed the warp core to eject in seven minutes. Perhaps the hair dye has finally eaten through to his brain cells."

    "Ensign!" Angle barked with alarm. "The TitanPrize's shields have all been lowered to five percent of their power. All weapons are off-line!"

    "This is sooo not the time for that!" Christian moaned. "I'm reading a ship with fully powered photon torpedos off our starboard bow! I'm not dressed for a surprise attack!"

    "But you are dressed for a proper Wrestlefleet funeral." Lt Jeff Hardy pulled his phaser on the three ensigns. "You have messed with me for the last time you obnoxious little Aerialian half-breeds."

    "Pardon my intensity, sir." Ensign Angle unleashed a beam of hot white light that struck Lt Hardy in the chest, causing him to groan and slide to the floor. "Darn! There's something weird going on here fellow ensigns-the enemy ship is jamming our communications array and sending an encrypted signal over our subspace frequency."

    "Wow!" Christian seemed duly impressed. "Where did you learn to talk like that?"

    "Well, that's what you people in the business call a promo." Angle replied.

    "This is a subliminal signal that's being sent throughout the ship!" Edge tossed his blonde hair, waiting for it to fall lightly to his shoulders before he continued. "I'm raising shields. Ensign Christian-please counter that jamming of our array. Ensign Angle-please strike a battle ready pose!"

    "Aye sir!" Ensign Angle paused.

    Wait a minute, he thought, Edge wasn't the boss of him...

CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

    "It's the damnedest thing I ever did see Big Mac." Dr. Taker was sprawled out in a chair in front of Captain McMahon's desk. "That hypnotic substance had no effect on these three twits here. While it attacked certain parts of the other officers' brains, it couldn't seem to seep through the parts of their minds that controlled ego-those lobes were just too massive."

     "And Commander McMahon-Helmsley said having a fat head would never get us anywhere." Christian beamed with pure pride.

    Dr. Taker spat on the floor, making Captain McMahon cringe. Where on earth did the good doctor pick up such a filthy habit? he wondered.

    "The substance that Tori brought aboard the ship simply made the crew suggestive to the subliminal signal being broadcast by the rebel ship U.S.S. Mushnick." Dr. Taker explained. "She had been infected with it on Copeland-9 and was then ordered to get the chemical into the rest of us anyway she could."

    "Now there are some space-travelers with no integrity." Ensign Angle seemed disillusioned.

    "It seemed what these renegades wanted was to destroy the morale of Wrestlefleet by capturing and destroying the federation flagship." Captain McMahon couldn't resist laughing at the foolhardy endeavor. "I guess not everyone understands that Wrestlefleet has too many loyal supporters to be toppled by such a pitiful attack."

    "The captain of the U.S.S. Mushnick is being evaluated on Starbase 0044 for dementia." Dr. Taker said with a smirk. "He seems to be ranting and raving and full of some wildly out of date notions. "

    "I have no doubt." Captain McMahon shared the big man's smugness. "And I suppose you three would like a reward of some sort for stumbling onto this little escapade? We really don't have any promotions available right now...."

    "Promotions?" Christian wrinkled his nose. "Extra work would lead to most unattractive perspiration!"

    Edge nodded at his brother. "Although larger mirrors in our quarters would be nice..."