| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet | Mouth not open while drinking or Glass being applied to wrong part of face | Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;beer usually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass the other way up so that the opening end is pointing toward the ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self control. | Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after awhile complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. |
| Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. | Insert a broom handle down the back of your jacket. |
| Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not complain that you are being hi-jacked. |
| You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it. | You have fallen over backwards. | If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
| Everything has gone black and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth. | You have fallen over forwards. | Same as for fallen over backwards. |
| You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie-in. |
| Everything has gone dark. | The pub is closing. | PANIC!! |
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